Thursday, December 02, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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By My Calculations, We Only Need To Sacrifice Three Hundred More Children And Palestine Will Be Free

by Itbah al-Yahud, PhD candidate, Al-Quds University

nerdAbu-Dis, December 3 - Sir, I've come close to finishing these equations, and I've some exciting news: it looks like we only need to throw a few hundred more children into battle against the Zionist enemy, and Palestine will be restored to its legendary glory when Jews were an underclass!

Just look at this, sir. I've double- and triple-checked my calculations, and it's clear as day: somewhere between three and four hundred Palestinian children have to die when we put them out in front during any of our confrontations with Israeli security forces, and then, as you can see from this graph, the parabolic function kicks in and all the Jews get pushed into the sea in a matter of months.

Let me elaborate. It doesn't have to be literally out in front during a face-to-face confrontation, though of course those count toward the total. This area, where you can see the coefficient effects emerge, demonstrates that placing children in harm's way, in a general sense, in the context of conflict with the Occupation, will produce congruent progress toward freedom. That obviously includes children who die because Israel blew up a Hamas position or stockpile, but it also includes children who die when our own weapons fall short, misfire, or malfunction.

You don't have to be a tactical expert to realize that makes success so much more attainable and likely. With a modicum of planning, we can hit, even surpass, that threshold in the next Gaza conflict! We really have to get this paper to the leadership in Gaza - better yet, in Doha and Ankara, perhaps our friends in Tehran - so they can make optimum use of it.

There is one thing I still need to figure out, though, and I'd love some guidance, sir. In defining "children," I remain unsure which data set to use: the legal definition of "child" prevalent throughout the world, which by and large pertains to those under the age of eighteen? Or our propaganda-definition of children, which includes basically everybody? Because my initial assumptions and variables use only the restrictive definition. The numbers might not work the same way if you have to plug in everyone that NGOs and Ministry of Health claim was a child killed by Israeli fire. I need at least a few more weeks if those are the parameters to use, and I can't guarantee coherent results.

Either way, though, we an look forward to glorious martyrdom for our kids. I postulate that there's nothing more precious!


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