Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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I Can’t Believe I Ate Those Bears’ Porridge – They’re Zionists! by Goldilocks


Tewkesbury, January 23 - This is so embarrassing. I must do better. It turns out the home I sneaked into the other day when I was tired and hungry, and where I ate and rested, was occupied not by just any ursines, but ursines who want to genocide the Palestinians and establish a Jewish ethnostate! I cannot believe I platformed them like that.

I could make excuses, as some do, when they fail to adhere in any meaningful way to the Boycott, Divest, Sanction principles. We see it all the time with technology and pharmaceuticals. But I refuse to compromise on this. Well, except for technology and pharmaceuticals, without which you would not be reading this. My point is, I will own up to not doing due diligence on the political leanings of the home occupants - excuse me, occupiers, not occupants, since it's Zionists we're talking about - and resolve to take greater care going forward not to legitimize Zionists even inadvertently by sharing space with them.

My colleagues have asked whether there were any indications in the house itself that the bears held Zionist ideology. I must confess I recall nothing that aroused suspicion. In retrospect, perhaps that should have raised a red flag, because Zionists work extra hard to portray themselves as normal, even good. See: pinkwashing, or participation in international sporting competitions. But I was probably too hungry and tired to notice.

The chairs of various hardness and softness gave no sign of having been violently taken from indigenous Palestinians. Sure, hindsight now tells me I should have understood the metaphor of assuming I was "entering an empty house" like no one lived there, and treating it as my own. I get the analogy. But it's not intuitive if you're not already thinking that way. I have to do better and think that way all the time. Stay angry.

And the porridge! You'd think porridge is porridge. But I've since been told that indigenous Palestinian porridge is different from the swill that Zionists now claim as their own, whether it's too hot, too cold, or just right.

This is neither here nor there, but someone should look into the hows and whys of a family of bears leaving their porridge on the table long enough for a little girl to spend a good bit of time in the house and only then begin tasting the gruel, yet each serving of porridge remains in its paradigmatic state of too hot, too cold, and just right, respectively, the entire time.

Anyway, I'm glad I got out of there when I did.



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Monday, January 20, 2025























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Thursday, January 16, 2025


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Supermarkets Banking A Little Too Much On Shoppers' Enthusiasm For Tu BiShvat  

Jerusalem, January 16 - Retail grocery stores have again decided to assume a far greater interest among Israeli consumers in dried fruits, nuts, date spread, and various fruit preserves than actually exists among the buying public, industry observers noted today, as evident in the elaborate displays of such products, either individually or in gift packages, in honor of the upcoming New Year for Trees.

At Osher Ad, a chain of large supermarkets that caters in the main to Haredi consumers, store managers at the Giv'at Shaul branch have created an elaborate spread of such delicacies in anticipation of buyers snatching them up ahead of Tu BiShvat, the fifteenth of the month of Sh'vat - a day that in Jewish tradition and law marks a new year for various agriculturally-related commandments such as tithing fruit. Tu BiShvat will occur this year in about four weeks. Whether shoppers intend to buy anything for it, however, remains a tenuous assumption.

"It's gonna be huge," predicted Polly Anna, an assistant manger. "Lots of ads mention it. Companies give their workers fruits and stuff for it. Preschools make a big deal of it. Must be a tremendous time for sales. I remember bringing home Tu BiShvat stuff from school such as dried figs and dates, and my mom would get so excited! We never ate any of it, though. Just kind of put it out with dessert over the next several weeks until acknowledging no one wanted."

The origins of the day's observance comes from ancient texts that identify the fifteenth of Sh'vat as the day by which most of the winter's rain has fallen, and thus it became a harbinger of spring and the next season's harvest - an intuitive line to draw for defining fruit-tithing seasons and for uniform determination of what year of a tree's productive life yielded fruit (the first three are forbidden, while the fourth must be eaten in Jerusalem). Later centuries saw the harbinger-of-spring aspect of Tu BiShvat evolve into both a time of hope amid cold, dark exile and persecution, and a celebration of the bounty of land to which the Jews longed to return; it sits at the annual pole opposite Tu B'Av, a day of hope and potential for love even after catastrophe.

Since the only way to obtain fruits at all, and certainly the more exotic fruits associated with the land of Israel, in climes such as Eastern Europe, involved dried figs, dates, or raisins, those items became associated with Tu BiShvat even though no one actually likes them.




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Thursday, January 09, 2025

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Red Triangle Shortage Hampering Hamas Achievements

Jabaliya, January 9 - Israel's restrictions on materials that may enter the Gaza Strip have put a strain on terrorist logistics there, with the most acute lack the supply of small red shapes to place just above images of IDF soldiers or vehicles in "Resistance" footage, local sources disclosed today.

Recent months have seen a dramatic drop in the number of available inverted red triangles that Hamas use to identify Israeli targets, figures within the organization acknowledged Thursday, partly as a result of their profligate use in the first few weeks and months of the current war, and partly as a result of Israel successfully clamping down on both the smuggling of the items into Gaza and destroying production sites within the coastal territory.

The initial phase of the IDF incursion into the Gaza Strip in early November 2023 followed the October 7 Massacre, in which Hamas men and Gaza civilians went on a murder, destruction, looting, torture, rape and kidnapping spree in southern Israel. 100 hostages and bodies of hostages remain held in Gaza.

During that initial ground operation, Hamas propagandists took great pride in posting to social media footage of attacks on IDF troops, with the characteristic flashing red triangle indicating the target as the clip paused for a second to let the viewer know what was bring shown. The propagandists intended for the clips to both boost Palestinian and pro-Hamas morale at home and abroad, and to demoralize Israelis. However, the distribution of the clips conflicted with the primary pro-Hamas narrative in which helpless Palestinians faced genocide.

In late December 2023 or early January 2024, Hamas leaders decided to scale back the deployment of red triangles, in consideration of both the cross-purposes of the propaganda and the Islamist organization's dwindling polygon stockpiles. "We can't aim properly if we don't have the triangles," admitted one of the group's few surviving field commanders.

Humanitarian organizations have tried to secure more red triangles for the Palestinians in Gaza, with no success. "Israel deprives them of these essential items as part of the genocide," lamented Agnes Callamard of Amnesty International. "I'm sure this is a core element of the case against [Prime Minister Binyamin] Netanyahu at [the International Court of Justice at] The Hague."

Experts explained that other shapes, even if available, do not offer the versatility and efficiency of the triangle in battlefield situations where the speed and precision of each tactical element can make the difference between a good and a bad propaganda shot.




Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   
 

 

Don't forget to buy my book of cartoons, "He's a Zionist Too!
















Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   
 

 

Thursday, January 02, 2025

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.


London, January 2 - Supporters of the Palestinian cause who take fabricated reports of Israel targeting innocents at face value, resulting in what they claim to be hundreds of thousands of deaths, and who therefore demand that the international community act to aid the helpless Palestinians, simultaneously believe that the Palestinian militant group fighting against Israel kills Israeli soldiers at will and has sent them packing not just from battlefield after battlefield in Gaza, but from Israel itself.

"Stop the Genocide!" and "Victory is imminent from the River to the Sea!" cries emerge concurrently from the same quarters the world over, as activists struggle to decide on which message will resonate with the target audience: Hamas prowess or Palestinian victimhood. They therefore proclaim the slogans of both axioms.

The cognitive dissonance necessary to engage in both rhetorical avenues appears not to trouble those who engage in both lines of argument at the same time, observers say. "Hamas is this powerful military force that can strike the deepest fear in Zionist soldiers," noted journalist Hoyt Petard. "At the same time, every single Gazan is a journalist doctor humanitarian aid worker pregnant child woman. So who's killing all the Zionists?"

"What are the Zionists fleeing from?" wondered Dilly Hussein, a keyboard activist. "We have all these credible reports of Israelis crowding the airports to leave because of October 7 and rocket attacks and the Resistance, but of course there are no acts of violence by Palestinians, who are totally innocent and blameless. Do the glorious rockets exist? Only if you think you're talking to people who can either be intimidated or already want to back a strong horse. Otherwise, the rockets are either a desperate response to oppression which somehow succeed in striking enough terror into Jews to make large number of them level, but not enough terror to get them to stop the genocide."

A puzzled Hussein appeared stunned into silence by a reporter's suggestion that mighty Hamas do something to protect Gazans from the Israeli onslaught, the death toll from which ranges from somewhere around 40,000 - about half of them Hamas or affiliated men, according to IDF sources - to in the hundreds of thousands, as some activists seem to want.

After several moments, Hussein responded. "Since when is it an elected government's responsibility to provide for and protect its people?" he demanded. "What universe do you even live in that that's an expectation?"



Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   
 

 

Thursday, December 26, 2024


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.



Berkeley, December 26 - Jewish households continue in the coming evenings to kindle their octuple lamps with wax or oil in celebration of a rededication to purpose and holiness even amid rampant degradation and hopelessness - but one observer has determined that the ancient Jewish practice in fact marks something far more sinister: the addition of one light each night glorifies, by analogy, the growing number of Palestinian casualties in an ongoing genocide.

Hassan Phipps, 20, made his discovery through logical deduction. "Once you start with the axiom that anything Zionists do is evil, or motivated by evil," the Students for Justice in Palestine campus activist explained, "the truth emerges quickly. Start with the realization that what they do is nefarious and deceitful - so lighting the candles is never the innocent or pure thing they make it out to be - and then the possibilities are limited to the obvious conclusions."

"No one celebrated Hanukkah until the Zionists made it a thing, to establish a fake connection to Palestine," he elaborated, repeating a talking point popular among Palestine propagandists. "They also must have fabricated any ancient sources that talk about it. It's pretty straightforward. So what are they really celebrating? Palestinian deaths, as they always do. It's the only thing that animates them. Nothing else explains Zionist behavior."

Phipps found various details of Hanukkah observance that also bear out the perversity. "The whole dreidel thing - it's not a simple game of chance - it's about plundering Palestine," he asserted. "It was a peaceful place where everyone lived in harmony until the Zionists came and slaughtered everyone so they could take the olive oil. That's why so many Zionists insist on using olive oil, and not just plain candles, to light their menorahs."

"I don't know why people don't see it. It's staring them in the face."

The activist's circle of comrade in social justice have followed similar reasoning in analysis of other aspects of Jewish practice. "Jews stole victimhood from Palestine," stated Palestine Action activist Yusuf Massoud. "They invited the Holocaust to happen so they could have the moral high ground to then do the same thing to Palestinians, and they keep trying to pretend Jews are still in danger when we all know there wouldn't be any danger to Jews if the Jews would just let Muslims have what's rightfully Muslim, which is everything."

Massoud, Phipps, and their comrades refused to hear anything about the ancient sources that mention no such ideas, calling those sources "satanic and Talmudic."




Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   
 

 

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

Don't forget to buy my new book of cartoons, "He's a Zionist Too!" Makes a great Chanukah present!















Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   
 

 

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