Thursday, June 02, 2022
Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Isfahan, Islamic Republic of Iran, June 2 - Online activists with skill in compromising the security of internet-connected remote computers celebrated a milestone today in the ongoing campaign to undo the Zionist project, now that they have succeeded in taking down the interface that a Kiryat Motzkin-based small laundry business uses to advertise its services, location, hours, and contact details.
The team of Iranian hackers exchanged high-fives and virtual congratulations upon crashing the website of Levi Dry Cleaning, run by local resident and second-generation proprietor Yehoshua Levi and his wife Nitza. Temporary neutralization of the enterprise's site marks one more important step in the generations-long effort to eliminate Jewish sovereignty on land that Islam once dominated; the existence of Israel represents a never-ending source of shame for those who associate Islamic superiority with everything good in the world. As soon as anyone notices the site not functioning, they will realize the enormity of Iran's capacity to penetrate Israel's cybernetworks.
Experts differ on when, if ever, the breach will gain the proprietors' attention. "Most of the online interface with customers takes place via WhatsApp and the business's Facebook Page," argued cybersecurity and defense commentator Moshe Sharatt. "I'm not sure they've even checked their website this year at all."
"It's bound to happen soon," countered network specialist Laura Itti. "They're going to have to change the banner about COVID-related policies, which haven't been relevant in months."
The hackers plan not to rest on their laurels after this accomplishment. "We've already identified a dozen other prime targets, of immense strategic value," boasted a hacker calling himself Chow Khamein. "There's a 24-hour billiards hall in Jerusalem that has lousy cybersecurity on its site - should be a cinch to hack that one and put up a message glorifying the Ayatollah and promising the demise of the Zionist Entity. That will bring our victory even closer."
Chow Khamein and his associates already envision the decoration they expect to receive from Tehran. "Medals, and maybe a computer-shaped trophy," suggested the hacker calling himself 4Chinzz. "Remember, we also took down that arrogant site advertising a two-for-one special at a family restaurant in Modi'in. Neutralizing evil of that magnitude deserves recognition, and maybe we can parlay this into more permanent work for the government. I could use a steady job. Maybe overseeing cybersecurity for a government ministry or two. But if the money's right I might consider selling secrets to the Mossad."
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