Saturday, June 12, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jen PsakiWashington, June 10 - A representative of the current presidential administration assured reporters today that they will do whatever possible to reach an understanding and arrangement with the Islamic Republic over the latter's pursuit of atomic weapons, spread of international terrorism, and goal of destroying the home of six million Jews, no matter how formidable the obstacles to facilitating that arrangement.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki informed reporters at a Thursday press conference that some issues fall by the wayside when larger values come into play, as in the current situation where preservation of Jewish sovereignty and safety must cede priority to the overarching objective of cementing Iran as the hegemonic power in the Middle East by means of genocidal campaigns across the region and a bevy of puppet states and terrorist groups that target opponents of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's regime.

"There are more important values than keeping a Jewish homeland safe," explained Psaki. "One of those is allowing Iran to ethnically cleanse Syria of non-Shiite populations with its multiple militias and colonizers, a similar process to what's been going on in Yemen for the last decade or so. In Lebanon, as well, Iran's proxy Hezbollah has spent the better part of the last forty years cementing Tehran's control over that once-idyllic country and sowing violent discord. These are the values that animate this administration, and that animated the Obama administration, before Trump and his cronies disrupted everything with their peace deals between Israel and Arab states. We decided upon assuming office this year that such irresponsible foreign policy could not continue."

"The point is, Iran might not be the most righteous regime on the planet, but who is, really?" she continued. "We all have our faults to one degree or another. Some people accuse China of doing nothing to curb carbon emissions, which is like the worst thing that country has done in the last hundred years, I think. So we're not talking about nations with pristine reputations in the first place. I'm not comfortable with the way Iran treats women or homosexuals, but every progressive knows that empowering repressive, homophobic, misogynistic regimes takes precedence over getting them to improve their behavior. If we're not going to let those repressive policies get in the way of a deal that legalizes, normalizes, and smooths Iran's path to nuclear weapons, what makes anyone think that the far-less-pressing issue of Jewish safety and sovereignty has any importance whatsoever?"









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