Thursday, January 30, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory


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Netanyahu
Jerusalem, January 30 - Israel's embattled prime minister promised his citizens today that he will not allow the historic moment facing the country to disrupt his administration's horse-trading, bickering, and cynical manipulation of the public and its institutions.

Binyamin Netanyahu returned from a dramatic overseas trip to the US and Russia with a triumph in hand: de facto official American endorsement of Israeli sovereignty over much of the territory the country took in the 1967 Six-Day War, with an ultimatum to the Palestinian leadership that further intransigence and avoidance of negotiations will result in loss of potential statehood. The premier stood at President Donald Trump's side as the latter made his historic announcement and urged the international community to back the plan which, he and his staff contended, dispenses with the failed formulae of the past and focuses on what works, effectively siding with Israel and Netanyahu on every major issue. Several Persian Gulf Arab states sent representatives, as well, indicating the historic shifts taking place. The prime minister assured his constituents Sunday that this once-in-two-millenniums opportunity, as important as it may seem, will not impede his ongoing effort to make everything about petty politics.

"I stand before you with the most important proposal Israel has accepted in two generations," he declared at a rare press conference upon disembarking. "The State of Israel faces an opportunity of epic, perhaps even Messianic, proportions: US recognition of Israeli sovereignty over the Jordan Valley and other strategic locales in our heartland, the cradle of our culture and history. Already I have instructed my cabinet to prepare for such a move, but in the meantime, I say to you, my fellow citizens, that I will continue to work as hard as I can to make sure this episode causes no interruption in my use of power for personal gain; my machinations to assert and retain control of my Likud political apparatus; and my famed refusal to do anything remotely right-wing of lasting significance despite my campaign promises, lest the unelected officials of the Attorney General and the High Court veto them."

"It's nice to always have them to blame for my lack of political will, so you can rest assured I will not lift a finger to reform anything," he added.

In addition to the question of annexing disputed territory, Netanyahu has been indicted for bribery, and must conduct yet another election campaign for a contest scheduled at the beginning of March, which experts believe will help, rather than hinder, his efforts to make every move with maximum cynicism.



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