Translating Abbas' UN speech into plain English

I come before you today from Palestine, compelled to sound the alarm about the grave dangers of what is happening in Jerusalem, where extremist Israeli groups are committing repeated, systematic incursions upon Al-Aqsa Mosque, aimed at imposing a new reality and dividing Al-Haram Al-Sharif temporally, allowing extremists, under the protection of Israeli occupying forces and accompanying ministers and Knesset members, to enter the Mosque at certain times, while preventing Muslim worshipers from accessing and entering the Mosque at those times and freely exercising their religious rights.

Jews have no religious rights in Jerusalem.

This is the scheme that the Israeli Government is pursuing, in direct violation of the status quo since before 1967 and thereafter.

Jews have no religious rights in Jerusalem.

By doing so, the occupying Power is committing a grave mistake, because we will not accept this, and the Palestinian people will not allow the implementation of this illegal scheme, which is aggravating the sensitivities of Palestinians and Muslims everywhere.

Jews also have no real religious feelings about Jerusalem - only Arabs.

I call on the Israeli Government, before it is too late, to cease its use of brutal force to impose its plans to undermine the Islamic and Christian sanctities in Jerusalem, particularly its actions at Al-Aqsa Mosque, for such actions will convert the conflict from a political to religious one, creating an explosive in Jerusalem and in the rest of the Occupied Palestinian Territory.

If Arabs don't have exclusive religious rights in Jerusalem, they will start a religious war, and I won't lift a finger to stop them.

The question of Palestine was one of the first just issues brought before the United Nations from the time of its inception, and yet it remains unresolved until this moment, as the organization and its Members continue to be unable to end this injustice inflicted upon our people and to assist our people to exercise their right to self-determination and freedom in their independent and sovereign State.

I don't want to negotiate with Israel because negotiations mean I have to give things up. So I want the international community to impose a solution on Israel while retaining my right to do whatever I want.

Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,I ask you to consider the history of the question of Palestine and the relevant United Nations resolutions to realize the obvious truth: that a historic injustice has been inflicted upon a people and a homeland, a people that had lived peacefully in their land and made genuine intellectual, cultural and humanitarian contributions to mankind.

We are particularly proud of our contributions towards airline hijackings, suicide bombings and bombing pizza shops and discos.

This people do not deserve to be deprived of their homeland, to die in exile or be swallowed by the sea, or to spend their lives fleeing from one refugee camp to another.

Even though I keep tens of thousands of my people in refugee camps myself. I could build them houses but Id rather keep them in misery.

Our people have placed their hopes on the countries of this organization to help them to gain their freedom, independence and sovereignty, so that their wish and right to their own State, like all other peoples of the Earth, can be achieved, along with a just solution for the Palestine refugee issue in accordance with General Assembly resolution 194 and the Arab Peace Initiative.

Not only do I want the international community to impose a solution; I want that solution to include the destruction of Israel by pretending that they have a right to "return."

We are calling for rightness, justice and peace.

Words that we decide how to define for our purposes.

While Palestine was partitioned into two States - according to which Israel was established 67 years ago - the second part of that resolution still awaits implementation.

My fellow Arabs never accepted partition that included a Jewish state but now we pretend that we are all for it as long as it is a stage towards the end of the Jewish state,

Do the votes by democratic countries against Palestine-related resolutions and the legitimate rights of our people serve peace and those who believe in the two-State solution? Or do they serve and encourage extremists and increase their hatred and racism, making them believe that they are above the law, to the point where they commit the burning of a Palestinian family in the town of Duma in the West Bank, claiming the lives of an infant, Ali Dawabsheh, and his father and mother?

Calling every Palestinian a terrorist is racist. Calling all Jews terrorists is acceptable speech to the UN.

Due to the time constraints, I shall not be able to discuss in detail how many Israeli violations are being committed against our people and how many repressive laws have been issued by successive Israeli governments, the latest of which is the formal legislation of instructions to fire live ammunition at and arrest and repress peaceful Palestinian demonstrators.

My definition of "peaceful" is "people who throw stones that can kill Jews."

Mr. President, Ladies and Gentlemen,We do not respond to the Israeli occupation’s hatred and brutality with the same. Instead, we are working on spreading the culture of peace and coexistence between our people and in our region.

Actually, we are adamantly against any form of coexistence with the hated Jews. It is hard to keep a straight face while I feed these lies to you, but I know that you'll believe anything.

Is it not the time for the six thousand Palestinian prisoners and detainees in Israeli jails to see the light of freedom and to live among their families and communities?

People who murder Jews are heroes, not criminals!

Despite all the obstacles imposed by the occupation, we, since the establishment of the Palestinian National Authority, and until this moment, have worked incessantly to build the foundations of our State, its infrastructure and sovereign national institutions.

We might have a joke of a justice system, a corrupt executive branch, and no new universities since Oslo, but we do have an Olympic team and membership in UNESCO!

We have made real progress on the ground, as affirmed by several international bodies, especially the United Nations, World Bank, and International Monetary Fund.

We promised to be financially independent and off of international charity by 2013. And you believed us then, just like you believe me now.

As for the internal Palestinian situation, we are determined to preserve the unity of our land and our people.

In fact, only last week I worked with Egypt to flood Gaza's smuggling tunnels.

Mr. President, Ladies and Gentlemen,Palestine is a country of holiness and peace. It is the birthplace of Christ, the messenger of love and peace, and the Isra’ and Mi’raj (ascension to heaven and night journey) of Mohammed, peace be upon him, who was sent as a mercy unto the world.

But the land is meaningless to Jews.

This is Palestine that is still looking for peace, and its people want to live in their homeland in safety, security, harmony, stability and good neighborliness with all peoples and countries of the region.

Except for...well, you know.

Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,You are all aware that Israel undermined the efforts made by the administration of President Barack Obama in past years, most recently the efforts of Secretary of State John Kerry aimed at reaching a peace agreement through negotiations.

I have been dead set against negotiations since Netanyahu was elected, and since the US and EU hate him as well, I can claim that he is the roadblock to peace without fear of contradiction.

Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,The transitional Oslo Agreement and its annexes, and the subsequent agreements signed with Israel, stipulated that the agreements would be implemented within five years, ending in 1999 with full independence for the State of Palestine and the termination of the Israeli occupation.

We waited out the five years without offering anything for peace, and then the first chance we had we started an all-out terror war against Israeli Jewish men, women and children. We should be rewarded for this decision.

We therefore declare that we cannot continue to be bound by these agreements and that Israel must assume all of its responsibilities as an occupying Power.

I threatened a bombshell and instead I am repeating that I am threatening to do something that sounds ominous but is meaningless.

May the peace, mercy and blessings of God be upon you.

Unless you are one of those...you know.