Wednesday, November 26, 2014

  • Wednesday, November 26, 2014
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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All Palestinians Wish To Become Martyrs - Well, Those Not In Office

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President

I have said it before and I shall say it again: all Palestinians desire to become holy martyrs in the struggle for our land. Well, all Palestinians except us, the ones in power. Let's be honest here.

The fight for justice and our dignity is our national goal, and everyone with a Palestinian heart is willing to sacrifice his very life in pursuit of that goal, unless that Palestinian heart beats inside an official or politician, because, you know, power. Somebody has to sit in these comfortable chairs, in luxuriously appointed offices, making big decisions. We do it for your sake, O noble Palestine!

There is nothing more admirable than giving up one's life in dramatic, violent fashion while striking a blow against the Crusader oppressor , which is why I encourage all of our youth to take up arms, or whatever is available, and become a shaheed in the epic war. While you do so, we unfortunate officials with access to tremendous amounts of cash, influence, amenities, and decadence will have to settle for an administrative role in the conflict. Please do not feel sorry for us. We accept this set of responsibilities, and everything that entails, with open eyes.

O, to be a shaheed! The thought of every noble Palestinian turns toward the fulfillment of the national dream! We must each consider how we might transform our lives into vehicles for national liberation, and if it results in our deaths, Palestine is the richer for it! And so am I, considering the funds that those of us in charge divert for our personal interests. But you pay no mind; it is the price we pay for serving the public.

Remember noble Abu Amar, who died a heroic death of old age and infirmity. How many times did he express his deepest desire to become a martyr for Al Aqsa, but for his duties as a wealthy international playboy? And what of our brethren in Qatar, who operate with the very real risk of being wined and dined at Doha's finest hotels? Do it for them! Me, I'm busy with this redecorating project we have going on at the Muqata right now.

Let the blood that courses through your veins also flow into the sacred streets of our land in the struggle to oust the Zionist interloper - that is, if you actually spend time on the streets like some prole. Those of who walk the halls of power have other obligations, and, well, duty calls.

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