Thursday, July 16, 2026
Elder of Ziyon
The petition argues that full-time yeshiva students engaged in spiritual protection of the Jewish people should not be required to take up arms, even against an enemy that God commands the people to blot out. “Moses, we respect the divine directive,” read the document, signed by leading rabbis and community askanim who made the journey all the way from future exile. “But with all due respect, our boys are already fighting a higher battle — the battle against the yetzer hara. Drafting them would constitute bittul Torah on a national — or, in this case, desert-wide — scale.”
"It's like the future Holocaust in Europe," explained a Haredi petitioner. "The post-Holocaust yeshiva world will look back at the pre-Holocaust yeshiva world and consider it an ideal toward which to strive - and look how much protection all that Torah study provided. QED."
“King Saul will get in trouble for sparing Agag, but that's before there's such a thing as daas Torah,” explained one rabbinic adviser, pausing to adjust his black fedora against the desert sun. “Today we have committees. Moses will understand. Oh, and by the way, we want extra quail stipends for yeshiva students with six or more children.”
A spokesman for the Agudas Yisrael Party acknowledged the sensitivity of the issue. "Our first draft demanded exemption for yeshiva students from military service across all existential wars," disclosed Rabbi Gershon Freerider. "That would have been an explicit departure from the rule that, while a man who has taken a wife is exempt from military service for a year, so he may rejoice with her, that doesn't include defensive wars, when even the bride herself must contribute. So we toned it down - but that doesn't mean we won't also try later on to exempt yeshiva students from those emergency military drafts, as well - especially since in our world, the women are already used to shouldering the economic burdens of the household."
A separate committee of Haredi delegates has convened to discuss alternatives to the agrarian society the Torah has ordained for Israel once conquest and division of the land has been accomplished, because how can yeshiva students be expected to farm when there's Torah to study? Also, women must remain completely covered even in the hottest weather as they do the farming in their kollel husbands' place.
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