Occult Spirits Employed By Israel To Neutralize Iranian Defenses Plan To Run For Knesset (PreOccupied Territory) ~ Elder Of Ziyon

Thursday, July 24, 2025

Occult Spirits Employed By Israel To Neutralize Iranian Defenses Plan To Run For Knesset (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, July 24 - The jinni and other supernatural beings who, according to officials in Tehran, assisted in IDF attacks on the Islamic Republic last month, have decided to seek public office in the Jewish State, a spokesspirit for the group of demons and other such entities announced today.

The spiritual entities have already begun the paperwork to register for the next Knesset elections, stated a jinn who called himself Buraq. Depending on the fortunes of the current Netanyahu government, the next contest will take place sometime between several months from now and October of next year - giving the various specters and minions ample time to gain relocation and citizenship in Israel just as other allies have done: the Maronite soldiers of the now-defunct South Lebanon Army were absorbed in northern Israel when Israel withdrew from its security zone in southern Lebanon under Prime Minister Ehud Barak.

"It's not that we're not safe in Iran," explained Buraq. "The puny resources and forces of the mullahs cannot harm us in the slightest. The worst they can do to us is continue their incessant whining and blustering, which is enough to drive even us off the deep end. Like, make up your mind, are you the ultimate victims, or are you mighty warriors of a nascent Islamic empire?"

"We're just fed up with spending our time there, and Israel is just a better place to spend our existence - eternal or otherwise," the spirit added.

Iranian leaders and media personalities accused Israel of harnessing the spiritual beings to do its bidding during the twelve-day war between the two countries in June, when Israel neutralized Iranian air defense capabilities and struck targets with impunity via airstrikes from Israel and using drones that the Mossad assembled in Iran itself and then directed at targets.

Many commentators understood the Iranian claims as attempts to save face as the regime was exposed as an impotent windbag that less than two years ago boasted a network of proxies surrounding Israel, and now lies naked and weak with its shortcomings and powerlessness visible to the whole world.

However, the spirits disclosed, they did indeed assist Israel in conducting Operation Rising Lion, not by being recruited, induced, or harnessed in any way, but of their own volition, seeing an opportunity to help end a regime that has oppressed Iranians for more than four decades and prioritized military adventurism over the welfare of its own people.