Thursday, December 21, 2023

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Shuja'iya, December 22 - Dozens of Gaza Strip militants who surrendered to Israeli forces  recent weeks have received offers from lingerie marketers to display the products on their ample, curvy bodies, a spokesman for Israel's prison service disclosed today.

Lt. Col. Adi Poss told reporters that manufacturers and retailers of bras and underwear for the full-figured have contacted the prison service to express interest in using some of the captured Hamas fighters as models, having seen pictures of the men stripped to their underwear as a security measure, and thus displaying portions of the body well-suited to flattering presentation of the intimate apparel products.

"At least six companies shave expressed interest," noted Lt. Col. Poss. "The feasibility of any arrangement remains open to question, given the uncertainty of these men's futures. Will they still be in captivity when arrangements are finally made? Can modeling the bras take place within the prison? It's definitely possible, but obviously not a priority for us tight now."

A representative of Victoria's Secret volunteered that her company seeks to ascertain the practicality of using the well-fed captive Hamas personnel as models. "What first caught our attention was that they were obviously not unfamiliar with a good meal or two," recalled the Vice President for Marketing, Ella Stick. "Victoria's Secret switched back to more traditionally-shaped models last year, but we acknowledge the buying power of those whose bodies do not match the perfection on display in our advertising. VS still aims to signal to the full-figured woman that our products suit her, and the shapes of the men captured by Israel during the fighting would meet those requirements nicely."

She added that the presence of so many well-fed people in the photos caught executives by surprise. "We were told Gaza was running out of food, but that's clearly not the case," she stated. "That's what made the images all the more striking. Perhaps under other circumstances we wouldn't have given a second glance at the man-boobs on display, but notice them we did. I'm thinking with the specimens in the photos, we can find models for almost every size we manufacture."

Another company that declined at this stage to be identified revealed that it already has a formal name for the marketing initiative, the Al Moob Project. Lt. Col. Poss offered assurances that enough "big-boned" Hamas fighters remain available for all the interested companies.

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Elder of Ziyon - حـكـيـم صـهـيـون

This blog may be a labor of love for me, but it takes a lot of effort, time and money. For over 19 years and 40,000 articles I have been providing accurate, original news that would have remained unnoticed. I've written hundreds of scoops and sometimes my reporting ends up making a real difference. I appreciate any donations you can give to keep this blog going.


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