Thursday, April 22, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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GROSSChagrin Falls, OH, April 22 - A spokesman for the local chapter of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club (G.R.O.S.S.) announced today that the group had voted down a proposal to boycott Israeli cultural, political, commercial, and academic entities to put pressure on the Jewish State to alter its policies toward the Palestinians. Witnesses put the margin of votes at a mere two.

"G.R.O.S.S. has voted not to adopt the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions motion," stated Dictator-for-Life Calvin at a post-vote press conference. "A majority of the voters decided against it. Our club invited input from numerous sources and engaged in its customary lively debate, followed by a show of hands. Two votes against the measure made the difference."

"Now I hope G.R.O.S.S. can return to its core activities," added El Tigre Numero Uno Hobbes. "Whatever the merits of BDS - I happened to have voted against - the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has little or no bearing on the business of this organization. We focus on combating the pernicious influence of girls, chief among them our arch-nemesis Susie Derkins. Now THAT is an entity to boycott."

"Oh, some boycott," sneered Chief Strategist Calvin. "Is that what you were doing in Susie's arms yesterday? 'Boycotting' indeed! I move to censure Hobbes for canoodling with the enemy!"

"I did no such thing!" insisted G.R.O.S.S. Cartographer Hobbes. "It was an infiltration mission to map the hideout of our main opponent! In fact you knew that, because you sent me on that mission in the first place, you chowderhead! This is a naked attempt by Head Scout Calvin to frame me for his own dismal failures, such as when he saved a winter snowball in the freezer to throw at Susie during the summer, when she would least expect it - and he missed! And then, while he was focused all on himself, loudly lamenting his catastrophic failure, she simply gathered up the pieces, pressed them together, and pelted him! Right in the kisser! Which is what he probably wants to do right now! He planned this all. Treason!"

"I'll give YOU treason!" bellowed King and Tyrant Calvin, taking a swing at Special Agent in charge of munitions Hobbes. A dusty mêlée ensued, featuring further mutual recriminations, half-a-dozen scratches, one bruise, and some pulled hair and fur. All parties to the fracas agreed to a truce, whereupon Most Highest, Grandest, Exalted Supreme Dictator-For-Life Calvin proposed to Club Secretary Hobbes that the minutes show a dignified discussion of the pros and cons of adopting a BDS motion, and Hobbes observed that no coherent case for BDS had ever been offered, in G.R.O.S.S. or anywhere else.

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