Thursday, April 29, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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USD denominationsWashington, April 29 - Congressional opponents of the Jewish State clarified today that they do not seek to eliminate American funding to advance that country's defense capabilities, but merely to tweak the provisions of that defense package to the minimal degree necessary for the funding to instead reach the violent criminals who want to cleanse Jews from the region between the Jordan River and Mediterranean Sea.

A cadre of progressive legislators explained the reporters today that their continued, vociferous criticism of US defense aid to Israel - currently averaging more than three billion dollars per year - rests not on unequivocal disqualification of such allocations, but on the specifics of the aid package, and that with some minor adjustments, such as replacing "Israel" with "Palestine" and "defense" with "terrorism," their opposition to such funding will all but disappear.

"It's the particulars of the aid to Israel that pose the problem," explained Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN). "It's not the aid per se that I find objectionable. I'm sure that with enough good-faith dialogue among Congressional representatives on both sides of the aisle, we can arrive at some rephrasing of the aid terms that will satisfy the conscience of numerous Americans wary of underwriting Palestinian suffering, while at the same time keeping the aid package intact, and possibly not even reducing it by one penny - provided that we give the money to Palestinians who blow up Israeli buses, dig invasion tunnels into Israeli farming communities to sow mayhem, or have been imprisoned for such actions by a brutal Israeli regime intent on defending its own citizens."

Representative Betty McCollum, also a Democrat of Minnesota, elaborated further on her group's principled stance. "I have proposed oversight of the finds we give Israel, with full knowledge that strict oversight is already in place and none of my stated concerns are real," she noted. "The point here is less to ensure adherence to a robust control mechanism for this funding that's already in place, and has been for decades, and more to signal to Jews that we hate them, with Palestinian rights a convenient pretext."

Experts observed that the technical regulations governing the aid package will also require addressing. "As it stands, US military assistance to Israel isn't simply the US giving Israel money with conditions that it be spent on defense," explained Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA). "No money actually moves from the US Treasury to any Israeli accounts. It's just that the US allows Israel's Ministry of Defense to purchase American products and services, and then, following a periodic review of such purchases, reimburses Israel for those expenses. We will have to address, circumvent, or ignore numerous antiterrorism provisions for our desired adjustments to take place, but it can be done."



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