Thursday, February 18, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Humpty DumptyNabi Salih, February 18 - Activists have uncovered evidence that the series of wires, towers, concrete ramparts, and other obstacles that Israel credits with stopping Palestinian suicide bombers had a previous career marred by causing the fatal injury of a legendary egg-man.

Israel's security barrier, which pro-Palestinian human rights activists have named the "Apartheid Wall," all but squelched the incidences of suicide bombing during the Second Intifada during the first few years of the decade before last, saving an untold number of lives. Astute social media users, however, have discovered the barrier's sordid past, in which a notable philosopher met his end by falling - or being caused to fall in murky circumstances - from that same wall and could not be saved despite heroic efforts by royal servants both human and equine.

"This is the wall that killed Humpty Dumpty," revealed Human Rights Watch activist Omar Shakir. "Not only does it carve up the land and deny Palestinian farmers access to their fields, it has never faced justice for its rile in the demise of that famous advocate for Palestinian rhetoric, in which familiar terms such as 'Apartheid' are redefined to suit one's purposes." Mr. Shakir gestured with a copy of Lewis Carroll's 1971 book Alice Through the Looking Glass.

"The role of the wall in preventing attacks is disputed anyway," continued Shakir, echoing arguments that a changing political environment had made such operations less desirable among resistance groups, with the timing of the wall and other Israeli deterrent measures, as well as the near-total absence of such attempts in the fifteen years since, a coincidence. "Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!" He also demanded the international community underwrite ongoing futile efforts to put the allegorical Mr. Dumpty back together along with idyllic pre-Israel Palestine.

Mr. Shakir declined to comment on whether this marked the first time a progressive activist had echoed Ronald Reagan.

Details remain sketchy of the walls involvement of the Humpty Dumpty Affair, which occurred some time before 1797, when the first documented mention of it occurs. In those early records no mention occurs of horses or king's men, but the wall features prominently as one of three major players in Mr. Dumpty's destruction: wall, gravity, and ground. The impact against the latter finalized the event; in accounts recorded later, mention of various other parties occurs, in the capacity of those attempting to remedy the situation. The most familiar account of the incident, in which royal horses and men play that role,  dates to no later than the middle of the twentieth century, when the British were preparing to relinquish colonialist control of Palestine in favor of Zionists and stabbed peaceful Arabs in the back. Pro-Palestinian activists believe that rewrite represents a British effort to rehabilitate their image as racist colonialist Orientalist Islamophobes who are under Jewish control anyway.


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