Wednesday, October 29, 2014

  • Wednesday, October 29, 2014
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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New York, October 29 - Banking on the success of an initiative in the Rafah area to shield Egypt from the unpleasantness emanating from a neighboring entity, the country's delegation to the United Nations plans to create a similar zone between its representatives and those of Ecuador, which occupies the position adjacent to Egypt in the General Assembly hall.

The move comes on the heels of an announcement that Egypt will force residents out of their homes and raze the structures to create an area through which terrorist organizations will be hard-pressed to move fighters and materiel. Egypt has been battling Islamist militants in the Sinai Peninsula and directly accuses the Palestinian movement Hamas of participating in or supporting attacks on Egyptian security personnel that have killed hundreds. With the buffer zone project expected to sharply curtail Islamist movement into Egypt from the Gaza Strip, the Sisi government turned its attention to the General Assembly, where the UN delegation's staff have been complaining of inconsiderate or unpleasant behavior emanating from the neighboring delegation.

According to Egyptian representatives, the objectionable conduct includes shooting spitballs, making armpit farts, derogatory wisecracks about the Egyptians under their breath, and on at least two occasions, leaving thumbtacks lying point-up on the Egyptians' seats.

The delegates say they have repeatedly attempted to resolve the situation with the Ecuadorean representatives, to no avail. A petition to the Undersecretary General, under whose aegis such matters fall, accomplished nothing, the Egyptians claim, other than prompting the Ecuador delegation to increase the intensity of their objectionable behavior. In the wake of the formal petition the Egyptians report whoopie cushions left on their seats and a lit joint flicked in their direction. None of the Egyptian delegates saw the joint being flung, but it came from the direction of the Ecuador delegation, and the only other nation in that direction is the Dominican Republic across the next aisle, whose representatives have not been known to compromise the Assembly's dignity in such a manner.

The plan calls for Egypt to evict one of its representatives from the innermost seat, abutting the Ecuadoreans, and construct a double chain-link and barbed-wire fence all the way to the ceiling. The two fences will be separated by almost a meter of space, and between them Egypt intends to place sensors and conduct several patrols daily.

The episode recalls earlier tensions between the United States and Tanzania, who sit across an aisle from each other. In the 1980's each of the delegations tried to stain the others' suits with strategically directed squirts from Caprisun and Hawaiian Punch drink packages. Delegates from the nearby sections assigned to Algeria and Andorra submitted repeated requests to be moved after suffering from errant volleys and running up significant dry cleaning bills, but the Assembly president refused to deviate from the alphabetical arrangement that governs seating.



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