Thursday, January 27, 2022

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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missile launchTel Aviv, January 27 - Senior military officials and officers congratulated one another today on a successful demonstration of an innovative, airborne threat-neutralization system that today downed an incoming law aimed at curtailing the cushy retirement packages that those senior officers enjoy for life at taxpayer expense.

An Arrow Interceptor hit the target before it could reenter the atmosphere, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defense told reporters today at a press conference.

"We are pleased to announce that the Arrow-3 has progressed more quickly, and more efficiently, than even our ambitious timeline," stated ministry representative Pensia Taktzivit. "This contribution to Israel's emerging 'layered defense' umbrella will both protect our interests and deter those who might otherwise attempt to harm those interests."

According to Taktzivit's description, the Arrow interceptor used both ground-based and its own internal guidance system to locate, track, and intercept the threat to generals' and colonels' pensions, which, unlike most retirement programs, allocate a guaranteed amount of taxpayer-provided government funds to those retired senior officers, instead of the investment-based programs on which the bulk of Israel's population must rely to support them during their golden years. The military pensions constitute a significant budget drain for a defense establishment that seeks to extract itself from dependence on American largesse, largesse that requires the IDF to spend the billions provided only on American products and services and renders any military systems purchased through the program dependent in turn on American technology, legacy systems, and terms of use.

Defense analysts cautioned that the interception of the threat today does not guarantee other threats will not emerge, and that the IDF, Ministry of Defense, Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, and other bodies, must maintain vigilance in the face of forces that would deprive retired staff officers of the pampered lifestyle of the one percent, even as the military wastes untold amounts on "employing" many of its soldiers in useless roles that exist only because of a universal draft law that, even with exemptions for entire classes of population such as Arabs and Haredim, foists upon the IDF thousands of teenagers and young adults unable or unwilling to dedicate three precious years in the prime of their lives to superfluous "support" of the actually-essential combat, combat-support, and logistics personnel.

"The biggest emergent threat might not even come from the air," acknowledged commentator Hugh Scratchmibach. "Israel's political leadership no longer relies as heavily as it once did on former generals to join its ranks, a fact that may continue to erode the solidarity necessary among that leadership for preservation of the privileged status retired senior officers have hitherto enjoyed."

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