Thursday, June 25, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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browniesJerusalem, June 25 - Impending legislation to remove criminal penalties for possession of marijuana has led a group of concerned scientists to caution against the move, given the paucity in Israel of decent baked goods of the type often eaten following use of the drug, representatives of the group stated today.

Medical Unity for Normal Cannabis Habit-Inducing EatS (MUNCHIES) told reporters Thursday that MK Sharren Haskel's bill to legalize cannabis risks exposing Israelis to the effects of smoking or otherwise ingesting the substance in the absence of proper cookies or brownies. MUNCHIES spokesman Richard Martin told reporters at a reporters at a Knesset press conference this morning that given the lousy quality of cookies and brownies that the vast majority of Israeli bakeries produce, increased use of marijuana that will follow its legalization will also lead to trauma born of ingesting inferior snack foods in the wake of weed-induced munchies.

"Israeli cookies and brownies are just plain terrible," pronounced Martin, who told reporters to refer to him as Cheech. "That's the main issue here. You'll hear any number of opinions on whether marijuana legalization is sound public policy; our group happens to favor it. For that very reason, all the more so, it's crucial to address our concerns. If an anti-cannabis figure or organization were advancing this argument, you could dismiss it as insincere, but for us this is essential. You can't get stoned on THC and not have decent munchies available."

Mr. Cheech got increasingly agitated as he spoke of the negligence the legislation bespeaks. "There are two separate bills in committee on the subject now, and neither one provides for the availability of decent brownies or cookies," he lamented. "Even if local bakeries can't produce a passable Thin Mint, Duncan Hines, or Oreo equivalent, we can still augment importation of those items. I don't think anyone has ever made a serious effort to bring in Girl Scout cookies, and that indicates how unserious our political class's treatment of this important issue continues to be. Legalizing cannabis without addressing the awful things local establishments and manufacturers call 'cookies' and 'brownies' is just exchanging one set of troubles for another."

"I'd treat my stress over this problem with a joint," he continued, "but for one thing, it's still illegal until one of the bills becomes law, and for another, it would just give me a case of the munchies, and then I'd have to satisfy those cravings with sugary cardboard things marketed as edible."


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