Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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red wineJerusalem, April 10 - The expanding selection of top-flight culinary establishments in Israel's capital city poses a quandary for a local homemaker, who is experiencing trouble choosing from among the numerous such places that specialize in the use of the blood from murdered non-Jews.

Faygie Tannenbaum, 35, looks forward each year to week or two leading up to Passover, a time when the in-between status of the kitchen and dining room means fewer home-cooked meals and more eating out. Over the last several years the number of high-quality of Jerusalem gentile-blood eateries has skyrocketed, a fact that should make Ms. Tannenbaum excited, but leaves her with a sense of confusion.

"This isn't your grandmother's pre-Pesach routine," she remarked, perusing several pages of advertisements in her community's kosher restaurant guide. "Twenty years ago if you wanted to sample this year's harvest of goy-blood foods you were essentially limited to falafel, shawarma, grill places, and lousy pizza. But somehow in the last couple of decades the fare has improved, and now we have our pick of goy-blood steakhouses, goy-blood trattorias, goy-blood cafes with extensive food menus, even goy-blood sushi and Indian cuisine. I can never decide what I'm in the mood to eat. Goy-blood entrecôte? Goy-blood calzones? Or maybe just a simple burger in goy-blood sauce? It drives my husband crazy."

"She gets like this every year when we have to eat out," lamented her husband Dov. "It's not just that it's hard to eat so many meals in the house during Pesach preparations and cleaning; it's also that this time of year is when the surplus goy blood is released onto the market for general culinary use, now that the bulk of matza production is more or less complete. The rest of the year we don't go out much - not because we don't like non-goy-blood food, but because it's a drain on the wallet. I make a living, but we can't always splurge like this. The sudden large-scale availability of the blood drives prices down and the food becomes more affordable. With six kids and a seventh on the way, we have to spend judiciously, even when circumstances all but force us to eat out."

Tradition dictates the use of blood from a murdered Christian child, but in recent decades Palestinian children of all varieties have all but taken their place, owing to plentiful supply.

Dov favors a new wings joint in the hipster-oriented Mahane Yehuda market at night, and if it were up to him, he'd go there all the time. "I'm not like that, though," conceded Faygie. "Don't get me wrong, their young-goyish-child-blood sauce is to die for, but I need some variety. My mood changes. And Baruch Hashem, Dov is so accommodating."

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Elder of Ziyon - حـكـيـم صـهـيـون

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