Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Holy SepulcherJerusalem, February 28 - The Prince of Peace was treated at a supernal medical facility this afternoon after aggravating his stigmata by slapping his forehead in consternation in response to religious leaders at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher closing the facility to protest impending legislation that would subject properties sold by the Church to taxes.

Jesus Christ, 2023, was admitted to Mercy Hospital today for follow-up acre and observation, following what witnesses called a massive facepalm movement that the Son of God performed in reaction to the decision. Archangel Raphael told reporters the risk of infection remains present, but for now the Messiah is comfortable and in good spirits.

Christ bears holes in his hands from a crucifixion he underwent in his thirties, wounds that he withstood in the process of dying to save humanity from its sinfulness. The Church of the Holy Sepulcher marks the traditional site of his burial, a grave from which he emerged three days later. Long accustomed to being invoked in Christian teachings as an embodiment of forbearance, Jesus was seen on Wednesday to read headlines describing the decision by the various Sepulcher facility religious officials to shutter the place to pilgrims, and to hit his forehead with his hand so hard that the stigmata reopened. A bloodied Christ was seen being loaded into an ambulance by heavenly paramedics.

"The Son of God assures you all he is well and that his stay at Mercy Hospital is a mere precaution," declared a spokesangel. "He apologizes for the scare it may have given anyone, and appreciates everyone's concern."

The angel declined to disclose Christ's opinion on the church leadership's decision, but a supernal source speaking on condition of anonymity asserted Jesus remains upset at the stupidity and hypocrisy of the move. "It's a good thing there are no fig trees around right now," mused the source. "That glare could wither anything. The Lamb of God has been demanding clarification from various patriarchs, bishops, and just anyone, really, since early this afternoon, asking what makes them think closing the church is a good idea. He thinks it will backfire and alienate worshipers while accomplishing nothing and fomenting antisemitism, especially given the rhetoric they're using on the subject."

A second source shared unconfirmed rumors that the Son and Father held an urgent set of conversations to discuss the feasibility of having the Church of the Holy Sepulcher destroyed by rampaging heathens for at least the third time.

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