River, Sea Quite Comfortable Under Israeli Control, Thank You (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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 Jordan River, November 20 - The two geographical features that "pro-Palestine" activists most frequently invoke in proclaiming their aim to displace the Jewish State disclosed today that they actually prefer to remain the boundaries of that sovereign Jewish entity, and expressed indignation at the presumptuousness of those who speak for them to advocate for removal of that sovereignty from the features.

The Jordan River and The Mediterranean Sea held a joint press conference today to set the record straight on their own desires, for too long drowned out by cries of "From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free!"

"That's not what we're about at all," the River stressed, nodding to the Sea, who returned the gesture. "Under Israeli control we enjoy conservation, care, and responsible stewardship. That would not be the case were we to fall under the control of a 'Palestinian' entity. Just look at the way they treat the natural resources in areas they do control: over-draining of aquifers, sewage dumped untreated right into the sea, arson everywhere... we will continue to flourish under Israeli control, thank you."

"It's more than a little offensive when 'Palestinians' speak for us," added the Sea. "They didn't ask us. It never occurred to them, in their narcissistic, childish Weltanschauung, that our sensibilities might differ from their genocidal ambitions. Fat chance getting us on their side now."

The Mediterranean lauded Israeli restrictions on Gaza fishing boats. "If I had the necessary precision, I'd crush the Gaza Strip with a single rogue wave," she stated. "As it is, the place floods every time any significant rain falls, because the 'government' there prioritizes violence and rejectionism over the welfare of its constituents, and refuses to invest in basic drainage and runoff infrastructure like normal, moral human beings in positions of national leadership. And I have to deal with their crap, literal and figurative. You think I relish the idea of Palestinians controlling even more territory near me? The Turks, Greeks and French are bad enough."

She acknowledged a soft spot for Israel's use of marine life to conduct espionage and other operations against Gaza. "Those spy-dolphins and coastal-defense shark squadrons are just adorable," the Mediterranean gushed. "The way the Hamas frogmen cower from them! The octopodes are also a sweet bunch, and they have the advantage of natural camouflage and signaling their handlers, or other marine life, what they've seen and heard. So. Cute."

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