Squad Discovers Its Candidates Lose Elections When Opponents Allowed To Run (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Cleveland, August 12 - More than a week after a Democratic Party primary race for a crucial Congressional seat resulted in the victory of a mainstream, pro-Israel candidate over one favored by the party's vocal left wing, prominent figures in that wing have realized that this latest failure to bolster its representation in the halls of power bespeaks a trend: if others are permitted to run against the progressives' choice, those others will siphon votes away from the progressive in sufficient numbers to deny the progressive the sought-after position, an aide to one of those figures disclosed today.

Members of the progressive Democratic Congressional group known as The Squad - Rashida Tlaib (D-MN), Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Ilhan Omar (D-MI), Ayanna Pressley (D-MA), Jamaal Bowman (D-NY), and Cori Bush (D-MO), and backed by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and activist Linda Sarsour - voiced their conclusion Thursday that the August 3 victory by Shontel Brown over Nina Turner in the primary to run for Ohio's 11th District indicates a recurring challenge facing The Squad's endorsements: opponents almost always run rival campaigns that attract enough votes to win, and that phenomenon must cease.

"It's different from their home districts," explained the aide, who requested anonymity. "Each member of The Squad enjoys a solid Democratic safety net; there's virtually no chance for a Republican to take the seat. That's just not the case for all these swing districts, where voters are up for grabs and a candidate has to offer something that's actually appealing to the electorate as a whole, and can't just rest on party loyalties while taking a radical rhetorical tone."

"The problem is there are other people running against our people," stated Ocasio-Cortez in the third group consultation The Squad has held since the 11th District defeat. "I don't just mean Republicans in the regular election - I mean other Democrats who don't share our progressive politics! Can you imagine? And those other people convince voters that in order to attract enough voters in that upcoming election the party needs a candidate with policies and rhetoric that don't alienate large swaths of voters. That's what happened in Ohio. There has to be a way to keep those others from running."

"Not just in the primary," added Omar. "When I ran for my seat, I ran unopposed. The Republicans simply didn't field a candidate. Why can't we prevent them from fielding a candidate in all the other important elections as well? That way we can advance our Justice Democrats agenda more easily, and protect our democracy from those who are trying to destroy it."