The abstract for the social sciences paper on intersectionality I never wrote

Last year I came up with the Intersectionality Victimhood Calculator, where one can reliably calculate who is more victimized in the Leftist universe and therefore who deserves the most sympathy, regardless of their actual words or actions.

An academic friend of mine suggested that I actually turn the calculator into a hoax paper to be submitted to various journals under a pseudonym. I briefly considered it but it would have been a very large project that I didn't have time for.

However, I did whip up this fake "abstract" for the paper that came out remarkably good:

Orthodox intersectional theory describes the overlapping effect of multiple oppressions, but there has been curiously little effort to quantify the actual amount of oppression experienced by different orthographies. We posit that these intersectional groups and individuals can be analyzed in a reproducible, quantitative and scientific manner, using a model that not only allows an impartial comparison of these overlapping modalities, but also suggests a paradigm whereby the differential of the modality score of the oppressed and the oppressor can be used to determine the level of oppression (LoE) in any arbitrary conflict. These tools can be used to create a valuization of the comparative oppression scores with a confidence level of >=93.6%. 

I was particularly proud of coining the word "valuization," since finding an existing word would have been too hard.

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