Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory
 
 
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Bigfoot Elvis TrumpTel Aviv, April 6 - Secure in the knowledge no one would bat an eye at their presence among the bizarre characters on this city's Shenkin Street, several prominent members of the World Zionist Conspiracy met at a restaurant in that eclectic neighborhood this week to discuss the next phase in their plan to take over the planet.

Sasquatch, the supposedly-deceased King of Rock 'n' Roll Elvis Presley, Donald Trump, and a group of Rothschild family representatives gathered with a number of lower-profile WZC operatives at Bug, a hip restaurant Tuesday morning. The attendees heard briefings from agents on recent developments in the Panama Papers scandal and the US presidential primaries, as well as on efforts to conceal Mossad involvement in last month's terrorist attacks in Belgium.

The presence of Bigfoot and Elvis at the proceedings highlighted the usual nature of the meeting, which normally does not include operatives whose roles call for remaining completely out of sight except for strategic, doubtful sightings. In this case, said an attendee who spoke on condition of anonymity, the pair supplied updates on the decades-old campaign to zero in on the people most likely to suspect a massive conspiracy and coverup, and distract them with all manner of secondary conspiracy theories involving UFOs, cryptozoological creatures, mysterious celebrity disappearances, and the Bermuda Triangle.

Trump, for his part, arranged for a lookalike to take his place in Wisconsin, where the GOP frontrunner faces a tough primary contest. The reality TV star and real estate mogul had already given regrets to his daughter that he would have to miss the circumcision ceremony of her newborn son in New York in order to campaign; however, he traveled not to Wisconsin, but to Tel Aviv. Trump's Mossad handlers insisted he attend in order to hear direct instructions from the Rothschilds on how to proceed with his campaign and what groups to offend in what order, so that the WZC would be best positioned to exploit the ensuing media storms for financial and political gain. Previous problems in coordination of the offensive messages led to massive stock market losses when the candidate called for the punishment of women who had abortions; he was supposed to wait until next week to make that pronouncement.

Also in attendance was Dr. Vlad Drake, who, though retired from formal membership in the WZC, continues to consult the Conspiracy on the use and spread of mosquitoes, which he invented.


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