Lindsay Lohan is converting to Judaism in a bid to prove her devotion to Jewish girlfriend Samantha Ronson.No. G-d Almighty, no. On behalf of all right-thinking Jews everywhere, we must do everything necessary to stop this spoiled, bubbleheaded, moronic bimbo from becoming anything like what a Martian could accidentally and fleetingly think was close to something vaguely similar to a religion barely resembling Judaism.
Although raised a Catholic, the 22-year-old star announced she was planning to change her faith on her Facebook page.After jetting into London last week, Lindsay joined girlfriend Samantha at the Bar Mitzvah of the DJ's half-brother Joshua Ronson at the Westminster Synagogue on Saturday.
Showing her seriousness about converting, Lindsay had also visited the synagogue the day before with Samantha and her designer sister Charlotte.
Entering the synagogue, a photographer asked Lindsay if she was switching religions, to which she replied: 'I'm trying.'
Updating her Facebook status this week, Lindsay wrote 'I'm converting'.
In the name of all that is holy, this must be stopped.
We don't want her. We don't want to see any newspaper articles that mention "Lohan" and "Jewish" in the same paragraph. Hell, we don't want those terms mentioned in the same encyclopedia. Jews don't need to see the inevitable 2010 article saying "The hard-partying 'Freaky Friday' star who recently converted to Judaism was arrested for reckless driving, disorderly conduct and cocaine possession."
It is time to act.
I am hereby announcing the formation of the Please Stay a Shiksa fund.
I am kicking off a fundraiser to pay any cleric from any other religion a significant amount of money if you can convince Lohan to join your religion instead of Judaism. That's right - you make her a Confucian or a Rastafarian, and you can get big bucks.
Bonuses if you can take all the shallow, airhead Hollywood Kabbalists along with her. Once one goes, the rest should be pretty easy, as their capacity for independent thought was never too high to begin with.
I'm seeding the Please Stay a Shiksa fund with my own pledge of $250.
For those who agree, I implore you to contribute what you can to this vital cause.
UPDATE: From LGF:
As the self appointed spokesman for sane Catholics, I would like to convey the following message to my Jewish brothers and sisters: You are welcome to take her.
(As we speak the Vatican is appropriating money from the "Take The Shiksa Fund." This fund was previously used to direct Madonna towards Kabbalah)
Perhaps we can pool our resources....
First Madonna, now LL. Haven't the Jews suffered enough?