Thursday, April 30, 2026
Elder of Ziyon
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Kal-El, known to the world as Superman, decided today against continuing his collaborations with the Mossad and the IDF, following the long-overdue completion of a report from a mission he undertook last May - and for which he only no managed to finish the "nightmarish amount" of after-action paperwork.
“I punched through a reinforced Iranian bunker in 0.8 seconds,” Superman said via encrypted video link, looking visibly drained as he levitated above his Arctic ice fortress. “But getting the IDF’s Form 38-C approved for ‘documenting use of super-strength near sensitive archaeological sites’? That took me eleven months. Kryptonite just hurts. This paperwork makes me want to retire to a quiet farm in Kansas and never leave.”
According to details leaked from the after-action review, Superman’s single-handed elimination of a missile convoy triggered a cascade of administrative demands. He was required to submit separate justifications for each of the 47 vehicles destroyed, including fuel cost estimates (none used), environmental impact statements, and a mandatory “Proportionality Self-Evaluation Questionnaire” signed by a registered social worker. A Mossad case officer also insisted he explain in writing whether he offered the enemy combatants “a reasonable opportunity to surrender” before applying heat vision, and if not, a justification with supporting documentation.
“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the help,” said a senior IDF liaison officer speaking on condition of anonymity because he was still waiting for his own expense report to clear. “But rules are rules. Even Wonder Woman had to fill out the ‘Amazonian Weapon Import Permit’ in triplicate last year. Superman kept asking why we couldn’t just ‘do the right thing.’ Nu, this isn’t Metropolis. We have protocols.”
The Last Son of Krypton added that while the paperwork proved cumbersome and off-putting, it paled in comparison to the challenge of finding the right person in the sprawling Israeli bureaucracy when he had questions about a document, or when some crucial paper was unavailable.
"X-ray vision is useless when you scan the building at the wrong time," he lamented. "That turns out to be any window other than 9:30-10:15 A.M. on Mondays and Wednesdays, as opposed to 1:30-2:30 P.M. on Sundays and Thursdays, while every other day, that desk is closed, or occupied by some clerk who knows nothing about your specific issue."
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