Tuesday, December 17, 2024
Elder of ZiyonLast night, after watching a pretty good Hallmark Chanukah movie ("Round and Round,") I asked five different AI programs to "Write the plot for a movie where a committed Jewish person is unwillingly stuck inside a Christmas movie."
I posted each of the responses on X in what turned out to be a popular thread.
The one I liked best was by the AI engine Claude. I just expanded that plot (and borrowed a couple of elements from the others) to improve it (I hope).
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Title: "Merry Mishegas"
David Stern, a committed Jew and fastidious New York City accountant, is working late on December 23rd when he accidentally drops his coffee on his keyboard. He is suddenly mysteriously transported into a saccharine, picture-perfect small-town Christmas movie.
Everything around him in the town of Mistletoe is impossibly pristine: snow always falls in picturesque flakes, everyone has perfect hair, and holiday cheer is literally everywhere. When people are outside it is warm enough to wear only a sweater, snow only apparently falls when people are indoors and then only in fluffy flakes that do not cover cars, streets or sidewalks.
Horrified, David discovers he's now playing the role of the "outsider who needs to learn the true meaning of Christmas" - a trope he absolutely detests. The town is populated by impossibly cheerful characters who constantly break into spontaneous caroling and have elaborate holiday traditions that make no sense to him. No one ever seems to leave or enter the town. When he asks questions about where, for example the town gets the gifts they give, everyone with a straight face it is Santa.
His character is supposed to be a cynical businessman who will learn to love Christmas by falling for the local baker (a perky blonde named Christine who seems to have an endless supply of perfectly decorated cookies). No matter how hard he tries to avoid it, David keeps bumping into her and she is initially very upset at this outsider who clearly doesn't understand the meaning of Christmas.
David doesn't want to play along with his character, but he really doesn't believe in Christmas magic and refuses to fall into that narrative as well - which makes him effectively the cynical businessman that he has been cast as. Determined to maintain his Jewish identity, David tries everything to disrupt the movie's saccharine narrative. He attempts to explain Judaism to bewildered townspeople, refuses to wear ugly Christmas sweaters, and constantly points out the logistical impossibilities of the movie's plot.
An adorable puppy dressed as Santa takes a liking to David and follows him everywhere he goes. He warms up to the puppy, and names her Balagan. He expresses his frustration to Balagan whenever he needs to vent about how ridiculous the town is.
David tries various ways to escape, but the magic of the town keeps him imprisoned. Roads circle back into town. The cheerful family that hosts him keeps walking into his room to stop him from being alone. Like it or not, he has to be part of Christmas.
Suddenly, on Christmas eve, disaster strikes. Instead of the peaceful convenient snow, a real snowstorm hits the town and cuts the electricity. All the Christmas lights go dark and the constant canned music that drives David up a wall ceases. ("Isn't it always Christmas eve in Mistletoe?" David asks.)
The townsfolk are frantic. They need light, and cannot figure out how to get any.
Desperate, Christine seeks David out, asking him if he has any ideas on how to bring light back into Mistletoe. David asks, "Doesn't the general store have candles?" but all of those candles are plastic props.
As he browses through the store, David comes upon (yes, you guessed it), a bottle of olive oil. Together with cotton balls and Christmas themed shot glasses, he creates makeshift lamps that everyone can use. There is a run on the general store, and David wryly observes that there is only enough olive oil to light the town up for one night.
The town gathers together on the town square to light up a makeshift tree with the olive oil lamps. David is hailed as a hero. When Christine tries to kiss him, though, he rebuffs her. Meanwhile, the town demands David say a few words of inspiration, the very thing he didn't want to do.
David makes a speech where he talks about how he never had nor wanted a Christmas tree, never decorated his house, never got a single Christmas present, never kissed anyone under the mistletoe. But after he spent so much time with the wonderful people of Mistletoe - he still doesn't want any of those things.
But as a Jew, the message of "peace on Earth, goodwill towards men" resonates with him. He notes that when there isn't peace, Jews have been the ones who suffer most; as far as goodwill towards men, Judaism has a holiday where the focus is not on getting gifts, but giving them both to friends and to poor people. He wishes everyone a holiday of happiness and good cheer, peace and goodwill.
Everyone applauds, and the mayor tells him that he encapsulated the meaning of Christmas perfectly, causing David to make a "really?" face.
David then gets transported back to his New York office, unsure if it was all a dream. He finishes up his work and goes outside, where he says to himself that at least in his dream he didn't suffer from the trope of falling in love with the girl. Then as he walks up the street, Balagan (without the Santa costume) starts following him, and David says he spoke too soon.
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"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022) |
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