Thursday, July 04, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Monster Under Gaza Child's Bed Cramped By Hamas Tunnel Shaft  

Sheja'iyya, July 4 - A nightmarish creature tasked with scaring preschoolers and other small children from beneath the furniture at night complained again today that it cannot perform its nocturnal fright duties because the entrance to an underground passage for Islamist fighters takes up all the space he needs to do proper lurking.

Cujo Al-Wahsh, a six-legged, eight-eyed, segmented, hairy, horned, drooling, eight-foot-tall, carnivorous spawn of Hell, lamented the cramped conditions under which he must operate night after night in the Al-Masri household, where Hamas installed a shaft to its tunnel network right underneath the bed of four-year-old Wafa Masri.

"Even without the shaft there, it's a squeeze at best," the creature explained. "But now it's a workplace safety violation, if Gaza had such a thing. Hamas used child labor to begin with in digging and reinforcing the tunnels, resulting in at least dozens, if not hundreds, of dead kids, which should indicate just how important worker safety is to the powers that be in Gaza."

"If some Hamas guy opens the shaft to come out of the tunnel while I'm lurking there, I'm in big trouble," he noted. "Venomous fangs or no venomous fangs, my employment future in Gaza is toast if i so much as look the wrong way at a Hamas man. To say nothing of making way for men entering the shaft from the outside. I can't do my job under these conditions."

Al-Wahsh has successfully scared little Wafa only four times in the last month, resulting in a negative performance review and the continuation of a sharp decline in his once-powerhouse statistics. "I was tops at my game back in the first decade of the century," he recalled. "Even the 2010's started out on the right foot. But once reconstruction began after the 2014 conflict, and Hamas started placing a tunnel network with access points in every new or rebuilt structure, my work got harder and harder."

Anecdotal reports indicate a general decline in under-the-bed monster-scares across Gaza long before hundreds of thousands of the territory's residents fled their homes ahead of the current fighting. A counterintuitive statistic even points to a slight bump in successful scares in the tent camps that Israel facilitated outside its predefined combat areas, given the lack of tunnel shafts and the relative stability of life in those zones.

Monster officials have reported only one monster casualty amid the current fighting, from a failed Islamic Jihad rocket launch that fell short and hit a home in Khan Yunis four months ago.

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Elder of Ziyon - حـكـيـم صـهـيـون

This blog may be a labor of love for me, but it takes a lot of effort, time and money. For over 19 years and 40,000 articles I have been providing accurate, original news that would have remained unnoticed. I've written hundreds of scoops and sometimes my reporting ends up making a real difference. I appreciate any donations you can give to keep this blog going.


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