.

Friday, July 01, 2005

War of the Worlds: The Lost Version (Iowahawk)

If you've never read Iowahawk spoofs, this is a great one to start with. Here's an excerpt:

CARL PHILLIPS
Can you tell the folks at home who you are, and what you are doing here?

CAPTAIN LANSING
I’m Captain Lansing of the signal corps, attached to the state militia, and we’re here to give these Martians a taste of hot New Jersey lead.

CARL PHILLIPS
Captain, I think question on the mind of all our listeners is obvious – have you received authorization for this action from the League of Nations?

CAPTAIN LANSING
Well, no, but the President and the War Department have asked us to…

CARL PHILLIPS
If you proceed without the cooperation of Prime Minister Chamberlain or Mr. Stalin or the Germans, won’t the mechano-men have a strong case that this is an illegal, unilateral strike that only serves the interest of the United States, and neo-Venusian masters? Won’t this just anger the Martian community, and provoke them further? What about the brutal New Jersey winter? What about --

CAPTAIN LANSING
Listen, pal, I have to go, they’re shooting death rays at our tanks. You’re welcome to embed with us.

CARL PHILLIPS
With all due respect Captain, that would compromise my integrity as a radio journalist, and a citizen of the solar system. Wait! Ladies and gentlemen, I can hardly describe the horror before my eyes! The Air Corps bombers… and the tanks… they are overwhelming and decimating the outmatched mechano-men! One by one, the mechano-men are fleeing and surrendering!

(TROOPS CHEERING)

CARL PHILLIPS
I think I’m going to be sick.

PROF. PIERSON
Roosevelt lied! Robots Died!

CARL PHILLIPS
(OFF MIC) What..? Are you sure? Ladies and gentlemen, I have just received a wire service report that state militias and police have captured and killed hundreds of mechano-men from Maine to California. How many mechano-women and mechano-children also died in this senseless violence, we may never know. I’m afraid this is it folks… I’m afraid that it looks as if we have lost all hope for mechano-kind.