NGOs Insist Turkish Exception To Settler-Colonialism Being Evil Around Here Somewhere (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Geneva, December 28 — In a packed conference room smelling faintly of fair-trade coffee and moral superiority, representatives from the world’s leading human rights NGOs gathered Tuesday to reaffirm their ironclad stance that settler-colonialism is, without question, the worst thing anyone has ever done—except, they stressed, for one very specific country that definitely gets a pass, if everyone could just stop asking questions for five minutes while they look for the paperwork.

“Settler-colonialism is a uniquely evil framework,” declared Alex Soros, director of the Center for Global Atrocities That We Feel Comfortable Talking About Loudly. “It’s the deliberate replacement of an indigenous population with an invading settler society that claims the land as its eternal birthright. Utterly unforgivable. We have reports, infographics, viral TikToks—everything you need to be furious about it.”

The room erupted in vigorous nodding until a junior researcher timidly raised her hand and asked whether the same logic might apply to Turkey’s 1974 invasion of Cyprus, the subsequent displacement of 200,000 Greek Cypriots, and the ongoing importation of mainland Turkish settlers to permanently alter the island’s demographics.

The panel fell silent. Someone dropped a reusable water bottle.

Soros cleared his throat. “We’re… we’re almost certain there’s an exception in Turkey’s case,” he said, rifling through a binder labeled “Complicated Geopolitics We Hope No One Brings Up.” “It’s in here somewhere. Probably near the section on why Saudi Arabia isn’t technically a theocracy.”

A representative from Amnesty International chimed in helpfully: “Could be under ‘NATO Allies Get One Free Colonialism’ or maybe ‘Things We’ll Address Right After Qatar Hosts Another World Cup.’”

Sources confirmed the NGOs have been searching for the elusive Turkish Exception since at least 1923, when the Treaty of Lausanne mysteriously failed to include the clause reading “Turkey May Do Whatever It Wants Forever, No Takesies-Backsies.” Undeterred, the organizations have launched a multinational task force code-named Operation Where Did We Put That Darn Exception to comb through dusty archives, EU negotiation footnotes, and the bottom of various interns’ backpacks.

“It’s definitely around here somewhere,” insisted Hugo Beaumont of Human Rights Watch, holding up a 1987 memo that appeared to be a lunch order. “See? It says ‘kebab.’ That’s practically the same thing.”

When pressed on Turkey’s treatment of Kurdish communities—decades of forced displacement, village destructions, and demographic engineering that bear eerie resemblance to the very practices NGOs condemn elsewhere—the panel adopted a unified expression of thoughtful concern.

“That’s different,” Beaumont explained. “Those are… internal matters. Or security issues. Or ancient hatreds. Pick one. The point is, it’s super complicated, unlike the very simple and clear-cut situations in places we’re allowed to criticize.”

The conference concluded with a heartfelt pledge to keep looking for the exception, possibly behind the couch of realpolitik or under the rug of strategic Black Sea access. In the meantime, the NGOs urged the public to focus anger exclusively on settler-colonial projects that do not involve a country controlling vital migration routes to Europe.

“We’ll find it eventually,” Soros reassured reporters as he packed up his MacBook covered in “Land Back” stickers. “And when we do, you’ll all feel silly for ever doubting there was a perfectly good reason Turkey gets to keep doing colonialism. Until then, please direct all questions to our robust and totally consistent positions on other countries.”

At press time, sources reported the exception had been briefly spotted in the same drawer as Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction and the moderate rebels in Syria.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

Al Aqsa Sermon To Incite Violence Thwarted By Unskippable Ads (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Jerusalem, December 18 - The firebrand preacher attempting to exhort his Islamic flock to defend their faith and land by visiting bloody vengeance against Jews and asserting dominance over them found that his address missed the mark, the man confessed soon after the event, probably because his momentum was disrupted by the unavoidable commercial clips that plague online media and must be viewed to completion before anyone may proceed to the content for which they came in the first place.

Imam Mustafa Massikr of the Al-Aqsa Mosque voiced his frustration and disappointment this morning following a sermon that he had anticipated would ignite a violent fervor among those in attendance, but that fizzled when the unskippable ads began playing over the compound's sound and video systems.

"I had planned for something grand, something inspiring," he lamented. "Something to restore the pride of our Islamic flock, which faces disappointment after disappointment in the fight against the Jews. A hundred years now of seeing triumph around the corner, of a victory so close we can taste it. Of driving the Jew into the dirt, or into the sea, only to find..." he trailed off.

"Let's just say that any moments of victory have been just that, moments, when in the larger sense, Israel isn't going anywhere, and deep down, we all know it."

"The ads are just a microcosm," he acknowledged.“ I’m up there, voice rising, fists clenched, about to deliver the classic ‘Itbāḥ al-Yahūd’ line that never fails to get the blood up, and suddenly—bam!—a smiling blonde woman in a hijab that somehow costs three hundred dollars appears on every screen telling us we can consolidate our payday loans in three easy steps. At a volume somehow even louder than we thought the speakers could carry. By the time she’s done explaining the APR, the moment is gone. The flock just stares at their phones, wondering if they qualify.”

Worshippers confirmed the account. “I was ready,” said Rami al-Qawasmi, 29, from nearby Silwan. “Knife sharpened, will steeled, everything. Then some guy in a lab coat starts yelling about reverse-osmosis water filters ‘that Israel can’t poison.’ I actually wrote down the website before I realized what I was doing. Now I have cleaner water but zero dead Jews. Mixed results, honestly.”

Technical staff at the mosque blamed the Waqf’s new cost-cutting streaming package. “We switched to the free tier,” admitted sound engineer Hassan al-Dajani. “Turns out the free tier includes fifteen-second unskippable ads every four minutes. We thought it would only affect the ladies’ section livestream. Lesson learned.”

Imam Massikr has vowed to try again next week, this time with a paid subscription. “Ad-free jihad is apparently twenty-nine ninety-nine a month,” he muttered. “Infidel capitalism has found a way to monetize even our sacred rage. Allah help us, the Jews don’t have to fire a single bullet anymore; JewTube Premium is doing it for them.”

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

Paranoid Schizophrenics Hope Candace Owens Doesn't Give Them Bad Name (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Bedlam, December 11 - Tormented souls navigating worlds of elaborate delusions, from invisible persecutors to cosmic conspiracies, are expressing growing unease: that firebrand commentator Candace Owens, with her increasingly outlandish claims, might tarnish the credibility of their cadre.

For decades, these individuals have contended with visions that government agents beam thoughts into their heads, or interdimensional entities dictate global events. But now, as Owens amplifies theories that strain even the most elastic imaginations, they're concerned she'll make their conditions seem like mere amateur hour.

Consider Harold "Shadow Chaser" Wilkins, a retired mechanic from Ohio who believes the CIA implants microchips via flu shots. "I've been fighting off these phantom trackers for years," Wilkins shared, glancing nervously over his shoulder. "But when Owens goes on about Brigitte Macron being a man—staking her whole reputation on it—it's like she's borrowing from my playbook, but without the nuance. People might think all us delusionals are just copying her podcast."

Owens's fixation on France's First Lady began circulating widely in 2024, alleging Brigitte Macron was born male and named Jean-Michel Trogneux. This led to a defamation lawsuit by the Macrons in July 2025, seeking to debunk the claims with scientific evidence. But Owens escalated, claiming in November that the Macrons had ordered her assassination, even reporting it to U.S. authorities.

"That's next-level paranoia," said Wilkins. "My delusions are personal; hers are international incidents. If she keeps this up, doctors might start prescribing meds based on her episodes instead of mine."

The anxiety intensifies with Owens's theories surrounding Charlie Kirk, the late founder of Turning Point USA, who was assassinated earlier in 2025. Owens has spun webs of intrigue, alleging betrayals within TPUSA, fabricated stories by the organization, and even linking Kirk's death to the Macrons and foreign forces, and accusing Kirk's widow Erika of profiting from or enjoying the resulting sympathy and media attention. She questioned the role of Kirk shooter Tyler Robinson and his alleged lover Lance Twiggs, claimed fingerprints were planted, and listed "10 verifiable lies" from TPUSA about the event.

"I see betrayals in my sleep—friends turning into spies," confided Lisa "Echo Listener" Ramirez, a former librarian from Texas who hears voices plotting against her. "But Owens tying Kirk's shooting to French presidents and internal saboteurs? Folks might dismiss my real struggles as 'Owens-inspired' nonsense."

Perhaps most troubling to this community are Owens' pronouncements on Jewis and Israel, which have drawn widespread accusations of antisemitism. She has echoed tropes about Jewish influence, defended Kanye West's outbursts, and feuded with former ally Ben Shapiro over such remarks.

More recently, Owens claimed Stalin was Jewish, labeled Kabbalists as pedophiles, and called Israel a "cult nation." She accused a rabbi of bribing pastors to criticize her and faced death threats from a New Jersey man over comments about a prominent rabbi.

"My delusions involve secret societies, sure," admitted Ramirez. "But when Owens rants about Jewish cabals and global manipulations, it's like she's amplifying my worst nights. I don't want my therapy sessions turning into debates about her YouTube clips."

Psychologists observing this phenomenon note the irony: while schizophrenia involves involuntary distortions, Owens's public declarations are deliberate. Dr. Marcus Hale, a specialist in delusional disorders, observes, "These patients often feel isolated in their realities. Seeing a high-profile figure echo similar themes can validate or exacerbate their symptoms, but it also risks stigmatizing the condition further."

In online support groups, posters fret: "Her Macron mania and Kirk conspiracies make my alien abductions seem tame. And the Jewish stuff? That's crossing into territories even my shadows avoid." Another added, "If she doesn't dial it back, we'll all be lumped in with her—therapists might just hand out restraining orders against podcasts." These paranoid souls cling to their private worlds, hoping her public spectacles don't eclipse their own. Their plea is simple: let us hallucinate in peace.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

Mass-Incarceration Proponents Tout Data Showing 75% Cut In Crime If All MKs Jailed (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Jerusalem, December 4 - Advocates for robust imprisonment policies as a way to reduce unlawful activity pointed today to studies indicating that if Israel locked away all one hundred twenty lawmakers, unlawful behavior would drop by three quarter.

Fans of El Salvador President Nayib-Bukele's implementation of a mass incarceration policy focusing on the small percentage of the population that commits most of his nation's crimes called attention this morning to numbers that demonstrate a promising truth: if all Members of Knesset were imprisoned, crime would drop by just under 75%.

Shmuel Norton, director of the NGO Lock Them Up, addressed reporters outside the Knesset, and presented data from academic studies quantifying the estimated effect of imprisoning all of the parliamentary delegates. "There are six studies from the last four years," he explained. "In each of them, the researchers found that locking up the Members of Knesset will cut crime by no less than sixty-five percent, with the most likely figure closer to eighty percent. Seventy-five percent represents the median figure across the studies."

"The categories of crime that will shrink are not confined to the various types of corruption," he continued, "though of course those are will represented in the data, as you would be correct to expect. But the reduction also includes libel, slander, conspiracy, theft, extortion, and forgery, not to mention immoral activities that do not rise, technically, to the level of 'crime,' such as sexual dalliances by married lawmakers or with married paramours."

Norton added that the figures improve even more if former Members of Knesset are included in the imprisonment, and that the reduction in crime reaches 92% if local government officials are also confined.

The studies also suggested that incarcerating all lawmakers will reduce inflation, since, while in some correctional facility, they will not be able to spend public funds as profligately as is their wont, and will certainly not be able to approve the governmental spending of hundreds of billions of shekels, which accounts for the vast majority of inflation pressure on the economy.

Practical obstacles to the implementation of such a policy will likely prevent its total adoption in the near term, Norton acknowledged, but he expressed the hope that Israel could attempt at least a partial measure. He cited elements of the various studies indicating that even if only the cabinet ministers are locked up and the keys thrown away, crime will wane by forty percent.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

You Can Have My Gun When You Pry It Out Of My Child’s Cold, Dead Hands by Sakmi Deek, Hamas fighter (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Khan Yunis, November 27 - Hearing plenty of gab lately, about so-called "international bodies" agreeing to a plan to disarm our organization. Makes me laugh. No one's going to disarm us. You can have my weapons when you pry them out of the hands of my ten-year-old son.

You think some "multinational force" will take away our guns? No, you are all cowards who shrink from confronting our fierce warriors who will defy you, and you will do nothing, as usual, leaving it once again to the Israelis to do your work for you. Then, when they try, we will put the weapons in our children's hands and send them out to face the soldiers, who will defend themselves by shooting at our children, and we will cry that Israel is killing our children, and you will get angry again at Israel for killing children, and you will stop calling for our disarmament.

We have vast resources to prevent any such disarmament. Not only do I have a ten-year-old son from whom you must confiscate weapons, I have an eight-year-old daughter, a twelve-year-old daughter, and another son, fifteen - each of whom, and most likely all of whom, will carry those weapons. You will have to pry the guns from their cold, dead hands.

Oh, not just guns. Explosives, rocket-propelled grenades, knives, improvised mines, and even a crossbow or two, if I can remember where I put those. Rocks big enough to cause serious injury or death. Incendiary devices. Want them? Come get them. Make sure to shoot the children wielding them, or you're dead, too. Then we get to parade the images of dead children all over standard and social media, and ride the wave of outrage to further cement our hold on the Gaza Strip.

Did I mention clubs and pipes? We generally use those not against the Zionists, but against people in Gaza who refuse to pay us for food, shelter, medicine, and "protection," or who speak out against our way of doing things. But if you think you can replace our rule in Gaza, you'll have to pry those out of our children's cold, dead hands, as well. We start training them young - not just the well-documented classroom and kids'-TV indoctrination, but hands-on experience enforcing our authority in the territory.

Good luck with that, though, because, like the Israelis we killed on and after October 7, expect those kids to be booby-trapped.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

Poll Discovers That If You Redefine 'Zionism' As 'Strangling Puppies,' 98% Of Jews Oppose It (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Berkeley, November 22 - A groundbreaking new study of public opinion among American Jews found this week that if one takes a term that denotes the movement to develop, maintain, and defend Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland, then one replaces that meaning with something negative, such as "racism," "genocide," or "jock itch," the overwhelming majority of American Jews will pit themselves against it.

The Sociology Department at the University of California at Berkeley conducted nine separate surveys among a nationwide cohort of Jews, in which the pollsters asked some version of the question, "If 'Zionism' is defined as [something appalling or unpleasant], do you support or oppose Zionism?" Only one in fifty of the 988 respondents gave a "support" answer, with all others opposing.

"This could transform everything the American public knows or assumes about Zionism," asserted lead researcher Hugh Jass. "Supporters of Israel like to tout statistics purporting that somewhere around ninety or ninety-five percent of Jews are Zionist. Well, we can prove that's not true - in fact that Zionism is toxic among Jews - by simply redefining 'Zionism' as something everyone opposes, such as strangling puppies, or microwaving fish in the shared office."

Left-wing and pro-Palestinian activists have been trying to accomplish just such a redefinition for many years. "The Soviet Union got the UN to equate Zionism with racism," recalled Yuri Nalisis, a former diplomat. "Within its own borders, the Soviet Union went to great lengths to equate Zionism with fascism, the bogeyman from the Great Patriotic War. There still remains the key hurdle of getting Jews to accept the redefinition, but one day, maybe we will get there. But these surveys do demonstrate that if such a redefinition takes hold, Jews abandon Zionism."

Analysts believe this approach shows promise far beyond the confines of attitudes toward Israel in the US. "If it holds, this had broad implications for politics in general," explained political podcaster Sacha Wannabe. "Not that controlling the vocabulary and narrative aren't already important - they are the first thing everyone tries to do, because it locks the opponent into terms friendly to your side and assumptions. This just takes things a step or two beyond that. Imagine defining 'abortion' as 'motherhood' - if you could do that, you could get even the reddest Republican to support it."

Numerous activists have declined to wait however long it would take for Jews to come around on the redefinition of Zionism, and have marshalled physical and rhetorical resources to act against Zionists on behalf of the 98% of Jews who oppose Zionism, if redefined.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More

Death Penalty For Terrorists Gains 100% Support If Also Applied To 'Influencers' (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook  and  Substack pages.

Jerusalem, November 13 - The drive to make capital punishment mandatory for anyone convicted of terroristic murder picked up significant advancement today with the discovery that every lawmaker will vote for such a bill, provided that the same capital punishment applies to those who attempt to make a career out of a social media presence, political analysts observed today.

A nascent legislative proposal still in development, born of an Israeli public no longer hesitant to take all necessary deterrence measures in the wake of October 7, calls for anyone found guilty of murder with terrorist motives to be put to death. Pubic opinion has long remained split on the merits and drawbacks of capital punishment; the recent urge in support for it, however unprecedented, still did not reach a level that could guarantee passage of a law mandating the death penalty even for mass murderers - until this week, when pollsters noticed that support for the death penalty reached effective unanimity when the proposal included executing "influencers."

Even legislators traditionally opposed to capital punishment on either political or ideological grounds shifted position. "Our established concern involves the protection of Palestinian lives," explained MK Ayman Odeh. "We naturally fear that the death penalty will be used in discriminatory ways, and fundamentally disagree with the characterization of Palestinian resistance to occupation as 'terrorism.' But if it means getting rid of the scourge that is social media influencers..." he trailed off.

Israel has employed the death penalty exactly once: in 1962, the courts convicted Holocaust engineer Adolf Eichmann and hanged him. While the penalty remains, technically, on the books, and is available as a sentence, judges have never imposed it on any other convict, no matter how heinous their crimes. However, to put to an end the incentive to kidnap Israelis in order to leverage them to free imprisoned terrorists, the new push for capital punishment has found more receptive ears than ever before - and 99.89% of the voting public supports its use against terrorists even at the risk of "becoming like the killers" if it means eliminating influencers, a force far more pernicious to human society than suicide bombers, mass shooters, and rocket attacks.

Chinese and Qatari influence operations responded to the news with a burst of new content aimed at discrediting capital punishment in general, and the Israeli criminal justice system in particular. Al Jazeera ran a segment critical of the proposal and highlighting the problems inherent in administering capital punishment, followed by gleeful reportage of Qatari and Iranian execution of dissidents.

---

---

Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

Read More