He's A Great Shidduch But He Doesn't Try To Say 'Creole' During Sultans Of Swing (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, August 2 - Mrs. Abramowitz, thank you for setting me up with Avigdor Marcus. He’s sweet, motivated, attractive even, and we share important values. On paper he looks like exactly the kind of young man a serious girl should be happy to meet. We had coffee, talked about our families, our plans for the future, and he was courteous, funny, and clearly committed to Torah learning. I left the café thinking, for a few hopeful minutes, that this might actually work.

Then I remembered the red flag.

When that Dire Straits song comes on, he doesn’t even attempt to speak the one word the vocalist repeats in a seemingly random place. Not a half-hearted mumble, not a delayed echo, not even a knowing nod that acknowledges the moment is approaching. Nothing. It raised a serious red flag the first time I noticed it, and the more I thought about it afterward, the clearer it became that this is a deal-breaker. I’m sure it would be for anyone normal.

I’m not talking about getting the timing slightly off, or even way off. That would be forgivable. Not everyone can tell precisely when to say “Creole” so it lines up exactly with Mark Knopfler at around the three-minute mark. I’m talking about a complete failure to acknowledge that the word exists at all. The compulsion to say it is involuntary in any genuine human being. You feel it rising in your throat the same way you feel the need to answer “Amen” when someone else makes a bracha. Avigdor simply sits there, polite and blank, as if the most diagnostic three seconds in twentieth-century popular music are not happening.

This is not a minor cultural preference. It is a more reliable indicator of in-group membership than the original Biblical shibboleth ever was against the Ephraimites. Those poor souls only had to mispronounce one consonant at the Jordan fords. The test was crude, binary, and easily coached if you knew it was coming. The “Creole” test cannot be coached. It operates below conscious control. Either the word forces itself out of your mouth or it does not. There is no middle ground, and there is no faking it under social pressure.

I cannot share a life with someone missing such a fundamental piece of what it means to live in this world. If, at his age, he has not yet absorbed that this small act is a basic requirement for belonging to a society of normal people, then I am not going to be so naïve as to believe I can change him. Too many women make that sort of mistake. They convince themselves that love, or shared values, or a nice apartment in Ramat Beit Shemesh will eventually override a missing instinct. History, both ancient and recent, suggests otherwise.

So with genuine gratitude for your efforts, Mrs. Abramowitz, I must decline a second meeting. Avigdor is a wonderful young man in almost every respect. He simply fails the one test that actually matters.

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Urologist Concerned About Congregant’s Premature ‘Amen’ (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, July 23 - A local physician who regularly attends the same morning service has started worrying about another attendee who cannot seem to wit until the end of someone else's benediction before blurting out the response, the doctor disclosed today.

Dr. Efraim Shohat, 60, voiced his concern today that another everyday participant in the 7:00 AM Shaharit minyan at the Shtiblach synagogue in the Katamon neighborhood almost always blurts out "Amen!" prematurely, before anyone reciting a blessing or other passage has finished - and the urologist fears that such prematurity plagues the man in other parts of his life.

"I'm trained to diagnose and treat a very specific set of dysfunctions," Dr Shohat explained. "Most of my patients are men with one or more of a narrow group of... performance problems. The tendency here is clear, and I hope that man has gone to see a competent diagnostician about his specific issue."

Standard Jewish practice calls for one who hears a benediction to wait for its completion before affirming it with an "Amen." Ancient scholars cautioned against saying the word before ascertaining the acceptability of whatever is recited, an important safeguard in a world that still featured rampant idolatry and the invocation of those false gods in liturgy, as well as concern that the unscrupulous might insert offensive material into statements ostensibly geared toward divine praise.

Through the generations, spiritual leaders have further refined the sensibilities surrounding Amen, even associating a premature Amen with the premature death of one's loved ones. Dr. Shohat preferred to focus on the more immediate, clinical implications of the phenomenon.

"It's been at least four months since I first noticed," he recalled. "In that time, you'd think this man would realize he needs to seek treatment, or at least get himself checked out. And maybe a competent treatment plan would have kicked in by now. But I see no progress, and it's raising my hackles. I wonder whether I should say something."

The doctor has made observations of this nature before, but not with the same level of recurring concern. During the communal readings of the book of Esther that take place on Purim, a custom has developed of "erasing the name of Amalek" by making noise at each mention of the Amalekite villain Haman. However, the core observance involves hearing every word of the text, and many attendees fail to wait until the reader has finished saying "Haman" before making the customary racket, often involving yelling epithets. Shohat has remarked on those premature ejaculations along similar lines.

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Haredim Petition Moses For Exemption From War Against Amalek (PreOccupied Territory)

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Rephidim, June 16 - Citing a busy schedule of study, representatives of the ultra-orthodox community formally petitioned the Israelite leader today to leave them out of the fight against the nation's eternal nemesis who attacked the nation's stragglers from behind.

The petition argues that full-time yeshiva students engaged in spiritual protection of the Jewish people should not be required to take up arms, even against an enemy that God commands the people to blot out. “Moses, we respect the divine directive,” read the document, signed by leading rabbis and community askanim who made the journey all the way from future exile. “But with all due respect, our boys are already fighting a higher battle — the battle against the yetzer hara. Drafting them would constitute bittul Torah on a national — or, in this case, desert-wide — scale.”

"It's like the future Holocaust in Europe," explained a Haredi petitioner. "The post-Holocaust yeshiva world will look back at the pre-Holocaust yeshiva world and consider it an ideal toward which to strive - and look how much protection all that Torah study provided. QED."

“King Saul will get in trouble for sparing Agag, but that's before there's such a thing as daas Torah,” explained one rabbinic adviser, pausing to adjust his black fedora against the desert sun. “Today we have committees. Moses will understand. Oh, and by the way, we want extra quail stipends for yeshiva students with six or more children.”

A spokesman for the Agudas Yisrael Party acknowledged the sensitivity of the issue. "Our first draft demanded exemption for yeshiva students from military service across all existential wars," disclosed Rabbi Gershon Freerider. "That would have been an explicit departure from the rule that, while a man who has taken a wife is exempt from military service for a year, so he may rejoice with her, that doesn't include defensive wars, when even the bride herself must contribute. So we toned it down - but that doesn't mean we won't also try later on to exempt yeshiva students from those emergency military drafts, as well - especially since in our world, the women are already used to shouldering the economic burdens of the household."

A separate committee of Haredi delegates has convened to discuss alternatives to the agrarian society the Torah has ordained for Israel once conquest and division of the land has been accomplished, because how can yeshiva students be expected to farm when there's Torah to study? Also, women must remain completely covered even in the hottest weather as they do the farming in their kollel husbands' place.

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Mamdani Fires Staffer Who Suggested NYC Prioritize NYC Over Palestine (PreOccupied Territory)

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New York, July 2 - The city's mayor fired his deputy chief of staff Thursday after the aide had the audacity to propose that city resources focus on New York City rather than the Palestinian cause, in a move progressive activists haled as a principled stand against localism.

The disgraced staffer, identified as career civil servant Rachel Katz, reportedly circulated a memo suggesting the administration tackle subway delays, migrant shelter overflows, and street crime before allocating more municipal staff time to Nakba commemorations and virtual Gaza solidarity hours. Sources say Mamdani read the document, turned pale with ideological fury, and immediately summoned the traitor for a closed-door re-education session that ended with security escorting her from City Hall.

“Betrayal like this has no place in my administration,” Mamdani told reporters afterward, flanked by aides waving keffiyehs. “For too long, narrow-minded New Yorkers have hoarded dignity and infrastructure for themselves. Every single one of us committed to dignity in Brooklyn must be committed to dignity in Rafah. Suggesting otherwise is unacceptable.”

According to TikTok clips from the 45-minute tirade, Mamdani demanded to know how Katz could sleep at night while “genocide unfolded before our eyes” and the BDS movement needed city contracts reviewed. “You want to fix the F train? What about fixing the occupation?” the mayor allegedly shouted, citing his long history of placing Palestine at the core of his identity since his student days co-founding a campus SJP chapter.

Insiders described the firing as “long-overdue housecleaning.” Mamdani’s inner circle, heavy with alumni of anti-Zionist organizations, had grown concerned that some holdovers from previous administrations still suffered from “progressive except for Palestine” syndrome. One senior adviser called Katz's memo “textbook settler-colonial thinking” that ignored how every pothole filled in Queens represents stolen resources from Gaza.

The mayor’s office moved swiftly to replace Katz with a new hire fresh from a Columbia encampment alumni network. The appointee’s first act: drafting an executive order requiring all city departments to open meetings with a land acknowledgment for both Lenape territory and historic Palestine.

Reaction from New Yorkers has so far proved mixed. Queens residents dealing with another round of migrant arrivals expressed mild confusion. “I voted for affordability,” said one bodega owner. “Not for my tax dollars to fund more protest permits while rats run the streets.” Progressive groups, however, celebrated. Jewish Voice for Peace called the termination “a necessary step toward decolonizing City Hall budgeting.”

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Hamas Schedules Elections For 1st Of Octember (PreOccupied Territory)

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 Gaza City, June 25 - The Islamist terrorist organization that governs much of the Gaza Strip announced today that it will hold the first Palestinian parliamentary contest since 2007, on the first day of the month between this coming Septober and Novuary.

Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri addressed reporters from a reinforced underground facility, flanked by maps of the region and portraits of deceased resistance leaders, crowded on the wall to th point that most could not be identified. “Our people have waited long enough,” he said. “Octember 1 represents a fresh chapter, one where every voice in Gaza and the West Bank can be heard clearly. We have consulted widely, and this timing aligns perfectly with our strategic needs and the will of the masses.”

Hamas secured a decisive victory in the last legislative elections held in January 2006. In the years since, the movement has focused its energies on governance, infrastructure projects, and emplacement of human shields around military positions and stockpiles. Officials noted that shifting to Octember allows sufficient time for candidate registration, platform development, and ensuring broad participation across factions committed to the cause.

Residents in Gaza offered a range of perspectives. “It’s about time we had our say,” remarked shopkeeper Fatima al-Masri, 52, while arranging produce at her stall. “Octember feels right. Things have been quiet on the political front for too long.” Younger voters appeared cautiously optimistic, with many taking to social media to share memes blending campaign slogans with local humor.

Others voiced disappointment. "I was hoping for the traditional Palestinian election date of the thirty-first of Never," confessed Fat'hi al-Masri, 44. "The younger generation isn't old enough to remember any actual elections, which means they lack any cultural memory of it. It's up to the older generation and the decision-makers to ensure that the lore is preserved, whether it's the lore of Yasser Arafat riding a white horse to Al-Aqsa to secure the presidency, or the traditional Palestinian celebration of electoral victory involving tossing defeated rivals off of Gaza rooftops."

Party officials assured the public that preparations would be thorough. Ballots will offer clear choices among approved candidates, all unified in their dedication to liberation. Campaigning will unfold through community meetings, digital outreach, and public rallies, with security measures in place to maintain order. Hamas emphasized that the process remains open to those who prioritize national unity and resistance, just as soon as authorities can master the logistics of Octember elections.

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Man Replaces Trash Bag In Support Of Global Zionist Agenda (PreOccupied Territory)

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Ashdod, June 11 - A resident of this coastal city put a new liner in his kitchen garbage can this morning, witnesses report, thus furthering the interests of the international Jewish cabal that seeks to control the world.

Avi Shmuelov, 44, removed a full trash bag from the receptable under the sink and placed it by the door for later transfer to the dumpster in front of his family's apartment, according to observers, and then took out a new bag from the same cabinet to replace the previous one - in the process effecting the incremental progress of Jewish supremacy over billions of innocents.

Experts noted that the removal of the previous, full bag as well, contributed to the advancement of the Zionist global agenda, in more subtle fashion.

"It looks harmless enough," warned Zionist-watcher Taqauta Mayanus. "But it's supposed to look harmless. That's how they get you. You won't see how sinister it is until it's too late and you're enslaved to the Jews. Every properly lined garbage can is one less obstacle in their path to total domination."

Mayanus declined to elaborate on the mechanism by which replacing the trash bag, Mr. Shmuelov - a father of 5 who works in human resource management for an import-export company - brought Zionist control of the world closer to fruition. "You're stupid if you don't understand - it's obvious to anyone with a brain," he insisted. "More likely, you're pretending not to understand because you're being paid. Or blackmailed. The Jews have dirt on you, I'd bet."

Neighbors confirmed that Shmuelov performed the task while humming an Israeli pop tune, pausing only to scold one of his children for leaving crumbs on the counter. "He even wiped the inside of the bin with a paper towel before inserting the new liner," said activist Nurit al-Khalidi, based on human rights NGO reports. "That's not normal household maintenance. That's preparation — for the smooth, frictionless control they plan to exert over global resources, economies, and media institutions."

According to Mayanus, the new bag's crisp blue color and reinforced seams represent yet another layer in the conspiracy. "Plastic waste management is Zionist-coded," he explained. "True solidarity with Palestinians means living in squalor and neglecting basic hygiene. Certainly the university campus activists in the west have grasped that."

Shmuelov himself appeared unaware of the geopolitical weight of his actions. After depositing the full bag in the building's dumpster, he returned upstairs, washed his hands for exactly twenty seconds, and resumed preparing tomorrow's school lunches for his family. Sources close to the household say he later complained only about the price of trash bags at the local supermarket, calling it "another week of inflation." Analysts predict Shmuelov will repeat the ritual in three to four days, further tightening the Zionist grip unless concerned citizens intervene through boycotts of anything that seems Israeli.

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Hordes Of Pakistani Trolls Somehow Not Translating Into Tucker Allies' Electoral Success (PreOccupied Territory)

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Washington, May 14 - Political analysts aligned with Dan Bilzerian, James Fishback, and other Tucker Carlson-endorsed firebrands expressed profound bafflement Tuesday at the stubborn refusal of American voters to reward what they described as “unprecedented online momentum” generated by devoted supporters in Lahore, Karachi, and Islamabad.

“Every day our metrics show millions of engagements from accounts that are clearly organic Americans who just happen to post at 3 a.m. Pakistan Standard Time and spell ‘Israel’ with seven additional letters,” said a visibly perplexed strategist for Bilzerian’s long-shot congressional bid in Florida’s 6th District. “The ratio game is off the charts. Yet when the actual ballots are counted, it’s like those passionate voices vanish into thin air. We’re mystified.”

Bilzerian, the influencer-turned-candidate known for posting shirtless photos with automatic weapons and thoughtful geopolitical takes such as “kill Israelis,” has amassed impressive X impressions thanks to what his team calls a “highly motivated diaspora of freedom-loving patriots” in South Asia. Similar patterns have emerged around Fishback’s gubernatorial campaign, where Tucker himself declared that “pretty soon all winning Republican politicians will talk like this” — a prophecy that, so far, has manifested mostly in retweets from accounts whose bios feature both the Pakistani flag and Adolf Hitler.

Campaign insiders say the discrepancy between digital dominance and electoral irrelevance is “deeply concerning for democracy.” One Fishback aide, speaking on condition of anonymity while refreshing engagement stats, noted that their candidate’s clips routinely rack up hundreds of thousands of views from users who type “Based” in Urdu script and then disappear the moment poll workers in Florida ask for ID.

“How do you explain robust support from people who can’t legally vote in U.S. elections translating into zero primary wins?” the aide asked, gesturing at a wall covered in heat maps of bot activity. “We have Pakistani teenagers ratio’ing Randy Fine and Byron Donalds into oblivion every night, yet on Election Day the turnout from that crucial demographic is mysteriously low. It defies every model we’ve built on Grok and Telegram.”

Experts within the movement insist the phenomenon cannot possibly reflect actual American sentiment. “Real voters are out there,” insisted a Bilzerian surrogate. “They’re just too busy liking posts to fill out mail-in ballots. Or maybe the Zionist deep state is suppressing the IP addresses of true patriots. Either way, the hordes are real. The numbers don’t lie — except when they do, in which case it’s still someone else’s fault."

"Are numbers Jew- I mean Zionist?”

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Buy EoZ's books  on Amazon! Reclaiming the Covenant on America's 250th (May 2026) "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

 

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