Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Friday, December 13, 2024

Latest batch of EoZ cartoons

Don't forget to buy my new book of cartoons, "He's a Zionist Too!"

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Zionism's Not Jewish - Most Zionists Aren't Jewish! Which Is Why We Only Attack Jewish Zionists. (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Zionism's Not Jewish - Most Zionists Aren't Jewish! Which Is Why We Only Attack Jewish Zionists.

by Zachary Foster

New York, December 5 - We anti-Zionists long ago grew tired of facing the baseless accusation the anti-Jewish sentiment animates our movement. Nothing could be further from the truth! We have nothing against Jews - only against the notion that Jews may establish a nation-state where anyone else might once have lived. We also oppose non-Jews who support that notion, who actually constitute the vast majority of those with that view! It isn't about Jews - so of course when we take action against the proponents of that racist notion, we focus on the Jewish proponents.

Get it out of your head that our opposition to Zionism stems from animus toward Jews. Where would you get such a ridiculous idea? Everyone honest acknowledges that anti-Zionism is not antisemitism, even if Zionists try to discredit anti-Zionists by pointing out how many anti-Zionists also happen to be antisemites. As if that matters. It matters about as much as our choosing to attack only Zionists who happen to be Jewish. Ridiculous, as I said.

A central pillar of the anti-Zionist approach that dismisses Jewish nationhood - it's just a religion - also involves pointing out that ninety-nine percent of the world's Zionists are not even Jewish. It's always been overwhelmingly supported by Christians. Almost by definition, that makes it not a Jewish movement. The number of Jews in favor of Zionism - I don't even need to mention all the Jews who oppose Zionism, but I love to mention it, and do so at every opportunity because it gives my position cover - is negligible in the sea of non-Jewish Zionists. It's effectively not about Jews at all! Obviously, to underline this point, our movement only confronts and attacks the vanishingly small minority of Zionists who are Jews.

This approach offers the added benefit if demonstrating to the world, and to Jews, that they do not need a state of their own at all to feel secure. I can think of no better way of showing Jews that they need not worry about placing their trust and well-being in the hands of their host cultures than by attacking them in those host cultures while other people mostly just look on or shrug.

Listen, we have no problem confronting non-Jewish Zionists. We might call them slurs normally reserved for Jews, but so what? If you can provide a list of non-Jewish synagogues we can picket or vandalize, we'll get right to it.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Latest EoZ cartoons (plus, my cartoon book is coming!)

I am almost ready to announce my cartoon book: "He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, here are some cartoons I hadn't yet posted on the blog.

(Amsterdam)

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

International Tourism Down, Taxi Drivers Forced To Price-Gouge Israelis (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Ben-Gurion International Airport, November 28 - Deprived by the consequences of an ongoing war of clueless visitors from abroad whom they can fleece by charging unreasonable rates, local cab operators find themselves struggling to generate the same extra cash by doing the same to the more seasoned, long-term residents of the country, an industry group reported today.

A spokesman for the Organization of Navigational Automotive Associates (ONAA) shared its members lament this morning that the lack of tourists since last October 7 has all but crippled taxi drivers' opportunities and abilities to gouge naive passengers with inflated prices, since the only remaining marks for the venerable scam are locals who are wise to any such attempts to defraud them.

"It's difficult to adapt to this situation," acknowledged Rami Ramai, ONAA's deputy director. "On paper, the standard, metered rate for a trip from the airport to, say, Jerusalem is a few hundred shekels, assuming only light traffic on the highway. On paper, that's supposed to cover the fuel, wear and tear, maintenance, insurance, and registration costs, plus a reasonable profit. But regardless of what the meter might say, often the driver and passenger will negotiate a flat sum for the trip in advance. Still, that's perfectly fine, and drivers know their lower limits. But again, that's just on paper - in reality we don't want merely a reasonable profit. We're here to exploit the innocent."

Ramai explained that while seasoned Israelis will not fall for the "I give you big discount" line, enough tourists do, resulting in flat sum notably in excess of what drivers can expect from local customers - and some drivers have become dependent on the extra income from fleecing foreign visitors, principally Americans. With the war since October 7, 2023, scaring off many airlines, foreign tourist traffic has decreased markedly, and with it, the opportunities to score exploitative profits from travelers - and putting nearly half of ONAA's members in a financial bind.

"A lot of us are still paying off mortgages, or loans for the taxis themselves," noted Ramai. "Even those who don't have to worry about those problems, most of them, are still reliant on the price-gouging to make the difference between mere subsistence and some measure of a comfortable lifestyle. Gouging tourists became, however informally, a fixed part of many families' budgeting. Now we have to find ways of separating less-gullible people, cynical and suspicious Israelis, from their money, and it's not easy."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Defense Ministry Could Save 2 Billion Per Year By Not Ordering Donuts From Roladin (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Tel Aviv, November 21 - An audit of spiraling military expenditures amid the current war has determined that the quickest, most effective avenue for cutting costs involves switching suppliers for the annual Hanukkah refreshments, and refraining from purchase of those products from a chain whose elegant holiday pastries make even the wealthy balk at the prices.

The authors of the study hope that their findings and recommendations will have an impact in time for this year's festivities: Hanukkah begins on the twenty-fifth of the Jewish month of Kislev, coinciding in 2024 with Wednesday night, December 25 - about a month from now. If Ministry of Defense and IDF staff can be prevailed upon to order donuts from sources other than Roladin, the authors write, then savings can amount to more than two billion shekels - about 530 million US dollars.

Defense Ministry spending could fall further, despite the mounting expenses of the October 7 war, already in its second year, if Hanukkah donuts expenditures disappear entirely - though the team of auditors doubt the feasibility of such a cut, which they worry could spark mutiny. However, the tantalizing possibilities of expanding such an austerity policy to other government entities has economists, government accountants, and civic watchdog groups thinking that the entire national budget could shrink by up to seventeen billion shekels per annum by forgoing Roladin Hanukkah donuts.

Jewish celebrations of Hanukkah have long featured the consumption of food fried in oil, a custom documented as far back as the High Middle Ages. The practice commemorates the Talmud's narrative of the festival's origins, when the Hasmoneans who liberated the Temple from Seleucid occupation in the second century BCE found only one undefiled flask of oil to light the candelabra as mandated in the books of Exodus and Numbers, a quantity sufficient for only one lighting. But it lasted a full eight nights, until new oil could be produced and procured. Earlier sources cite other reasons for the eight-day observance, but the story of the oil miracle fired the popular and gustatory imagination in more lasting ways.

Roladin, a cafe-style bakery and patisserie, has locations in every major Israeli city and town. Their year-round fare compares in price to other establishments of similar target markets. For Hanukkah, the chain has for years advertised its stylized, complex, and artistic donuts for Hanukkah - with a commensurate rise in the price of each one as the designs became more and more elaborate.

Market observers expect this year's Roladin offerings to include some new, even more expensive feature, such as pieces of the True Cross.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Iran To Protect Navy, Oil From Israeli Strikes By Sinking Them Underwater (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Bandar Abbas, November 17 - Escalating strikes between the Islamic Republic of Iran and Israel have leaders of the former worried about the vulnerability of its military and merchant vessels, a weak point in the regime's economic security, and as a result they have given preliminary approval to a plan that will send those vessels to the bottom of the Persian Gulf to prevent Israeli airstrikes or cruise missiles from hitting them, sources in Tehran reported today.

The Islamic Republic's continued support for various terrorist militias around the Jewish state, plus its own multiple ballistic and cruise missile attacks, prompted several Israeli reprisals and preemptive operations, the latest of which neutralized Iran's air defense systems, among other strategic targets, rendering sensitive and precarious pieces of the regime's strategic assets only one airstrike or other attack away from destruction or severe damage. Among those assets are elements of Iran's nuclear weapons program and the country's oil export facilities. Tehran will likely send those tankers and a number of both dockside and floating facilities to the sea bed, out of reach of Israeli bombs, missiles, or drones.

"Underwater environments wreak havoc with missile guidance systems," explained Iranian military expert Ayeet Mehrd. "Even pilots attempting to sight their targets visually cannot do so if the target lies below a certain depth. It makes obvious sense to protect whatever Iran can by sinking it in the Persian Gulf preemptively."

Analysts compared the move to siting important military installations or positions underground. "We know that tunnels and underground facilities are a staple of Iran and its proxies in the region," noted Mideast commentator Ahopyu Draoun. "Recent reports even have the Khamenei regime digging tunnels in Tehran itself. The principle for the maritime and naval assets is the same, but without all the digging."

Draoun also noted some potential pitfalls of the move. "Israel has a navy and even submarines," he observed. "Iran's defensive capabilities in that area are... less than impressive. Still, an Israeli operation all the way around the Arabian Peninsula, beyond the Strait of Hormuz, to hit those now-underwater targets, and back again, probably exceeds Israeli naval capabilities. Probably."

The Iranian sources further disclosed that the senior leadership of the regime had begun to lean in the direction of the submerging of the assets rather than a rival proposal involving the movement of the tankers into the interior of the country where Israeli naval assets could not reach them.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!