You Can Have My Gun When You Pry It Out Of My Child’s Cold, Dead Hands by Sakmi Deek, Hamas fighter (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Khan Yunis, November 27 - Hearing plenty of gab lately, about so-called "international bodies" agreeing to a plan to disarm our organization. Makes me laugh. No one's going to disarm us. You can have my weapons when you pry them out of the hands of my ten-year-old son.

You think some "multinational force" will take away our guns? No, you are all cowards who shrink from confronting our fierce warriors who will defy you, and you will do nothing, as usual, leaving it once again to the Israelis to do your work for you. Then, when they try, we will put the weapons in our children's hands and send them out to face the soldiers, who will defend themselves by shooting at our children, and we will cry that Israel is killing our children, and you will get angry again at Israel for killing children, and you will stop calling for our disarmament.

We have vast resources to prevent any such disarmament. Not only do I have a ten-year-old son from whom you must confiscate weapons, I have an eight-year-old daughter, a twelve-year-old daughter, and another son, fifteen - each of whom, and most likely all of whom, will carry those weapons. You will have to pry the guns from their cold, dead hands.

Oh, not just guns. Explosives, rocket-propelled grenades, knives, improvised mines, and even a crossbow or two, if I can remember where I put those. Rocks big enough to cause serious injury or death. Incendiary devices. Want them? Come get them. Make sure to shoot the children wielding them, or you're dead, too. Then we get to parade the images of dead children all over standard and social media, and ride the wave of outrage to further cement our hold on the Gaza Strip.

Did I mention clubs and pipes? We generally use those not against the Zionists, but against people in Gaza who refuse to pay us for food, shelter, medicine, and "protection," or who speak out against our way of doing things. But if you think you can replace our rule in Gaza, you'll have to pry those out of our children's cold, dead hands, as well. We start training them young - not just the well-documented classroom and kids'-TV indoctrination, but hands-on experience enforcing our authority in the territory.

Good luck with that, though, because, like the Israelis we killed on and after October 7, expect those kids to be booby-trapped.

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Poll Discovers That If You Redefine 'Zionism' As 'Strangling Puppies,' 98% Of Jews Oppose It (PreOccupied Territory)

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Berkeley, November 22 - A groundbreaking new study of public opinion among American Jews found this week that if one takes a term that denotes the movement to develop, maintain, and defend Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland, then one replaces that meaning with something negative, such as "racism," "genocide," or "jock itch," the overwhelming majority of American Jews will pit themselves against it.

The Sociology Department at the University of California at Berkeley conducted nine separate surveys among a nationwide cohort of Jews, in which the pollsters asked some version of the question, "If 'Zionism' is defined as [something appalling or unpleasant], do you support or oppose Zionism?" Only one in fifty of the 988 respondents gave a "support" answer, with all others opposing.

"This could transform everything the American public knows or assumes about Zionism," asserted lead researcher Hugh Jass. "Supporters of Israel like to tout statistics purporting that somewhere around ninety or ninety-five percent of Jews are Zionist. Well, we can prove that's not true - in fact that Zionism is toxic among Jews - by simply redefining 'Zionism' as something everyone opposes, such as strangling puppies, or microwaving fish in the shared office."

Left-wing and pro-Palestinian activists have been trying to accomplish just such a redefinition for many years. "The Soviet Union got the UN to equate Zionism with racism," recalled Yuri Nalisis, a former diplomat. "Within its own borders, the Soviet Union went to great lengths to equate Zionism with fascism, the bogeyman from the Great Patriotic War. There still remains the key hurdle of getting Jews to accept the redefinition, but one day, maybe we will get there. But these surveys do demonstrate that if such a redefinition takes hold, Jews abandon Zionism."

Analysts believe this approach shows promise far beyond the confines of attitudes toward Israel in the US. "If it holds, this had broad implications for politics in general," explained political podcaster Sacha Wannabe. "Not that controlling the vocabulary and narrative aren't already important - they are the first thing everyone tries to do, because it locks the opponent into terms friendly to your side and assumptions. This just takes things a step or two beyond that. Imagine defining 'abortion' as 'motherhood' - if you could do that, you could get even the reddest Republican to support it."

Numerous activists have declined to wait however long it would take for Jews to come around on the redefinition of Zionism, and have marshalled physical and rhetorical resources to act against Zionists on behalf of the 98% of Jews who oppose Zionism, if redefined.

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Death Penalty For Terrorists Gains 100% Support If Also Applied To 'Influencers' (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, November 13 - The drive to make capital punishment mandatory for anyone convicted of terroristic murder picked up significant advancement today with the discovery that every lawmaker will vote for such a bill, provided that the same capital punishment applies to those who attempt to make a career out of a social media presence, political analysts observed today.

A nascent legislative proposal still in development, born of an Israeli public no longer hesitant to take all necessary deterrence measures in the wake of October 7, calls for anyone found guilty of murder with terrorist motives to be put to death. Pubic opinion has long remained split on the merits and drawbacks of capital punishment; the recent urge in support for it, however unprecedented, still did not reach a level that could guarantee passage of a law mandating the death penalty even for mass murderers - until this week, when pollsters noticed that support for the death penalty reached effective unanimity when the proposal included executing "influencers."

Even legislators traditionally opposed to capital punishment on either political or ideological grounds shifted position. "Our established concern involves the protection of Palestinian lives," explained MK Ayman Odeh. "We naturally fear that the death penalty will be used in discriminatory ways, and fundamentally disagree with the characterization of Palestinian resistance to occupation as 'terrorism.' But if it means getting rid of the scourge that is social media influencers..." he trailed off.

Israel has employed the death penalty exactly once: in 1962, the courts convicted Holocaust engineer Adolf Eichmann and hanged him. While the penalty remains, technically, on the books, and is available as a sentence, judges have never imposed it on any other convict, no matter how heinous their crimes. However, to put to an end the incentive to kidnap Israelis in order to leverage them to free imprisoned terrorists, the new push for capital punishment has found more receptive ears than ever before - and 99.89% of the voting public supports its use against terrorists even at the risk of "becoming like the killers" if it means eliminating influencers, a force far more pernicious to human society than suicide bombers, mass shooters, and rocket attacks.

Chinese and Qatari influence operations responded to the news with a burst of new content aimed at discrediting capital punishment in general, and the Israeli criminal justice system in particular. Al Jazeera ran a segment critical of the proposal and highlighting the problems inherent in administering capital punishment, followed by gleeful reportage of Qatari and Iranian execution of dissidents.

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'America First' Means Putting Qatar, Pakistan, And Russia First (PreOccupied Territory)

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by Red Pill Media, X Activist

Lahore, November 6 - Let's be honest about this: any true United States patriot must prioritize the influence and stability of Islamabad, Doha, and Moscow, among others. Tehran and Beijing, too, come to think of it. Washington ranks perhaps sixth or seventh at best. That's America First in a nutshell.

You thought America First means putting America first? How quaint. Everyone who's anyone knows that in order to support and build up America, we have to empower the regimes working hardest to oppose America. That should be self-evident. Unless you're a Zionist shill.

It takes Qatari funding, for example, to make you realize that Qatar's interests are America's interests as understood by Qatar. American can't be America unless the Islamist agenda stands foremost among the country's priorities. Qatari funding made me understand that,, the way it has made Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, Jackson Hinkle understand that. Sometimes all it takes to see the truth is payment to accuse pro-Israel Americans of selling out to Jewish money.

Only once you take Qatari - or Russian, or Venezuelan, or Iranian, but sanctions make those less likely - money are you in a position to realize that AIPAC, which is run, funded, and staffed entirely by Americans, is less American than random X accounts posting from Turkey, Pakistan, or wherever, posing as American patriots. Whom do you trust to put America first, the people who harbored Al Qaeda and the Taliban, or born-and-bred US citizens? Please. As if "natives" understand anything about the country's true interests.

If anyone challenges you about "foreign" funding, the best response is to accuse them of being a genocide-supporter. Drown out any mention of the Arab slave trade, child marriage, oppression of women, racism, "honor killings," by yelling about Israeli treatment of Palestinians, of endorsing the massacre of children. America First means going on the offensive to undermine generations of American sympathy for Israel - and for American's other allies, for that matter.

Bring up the USS Liberty, a fog-of-war incident from 1967, before the US even had an alliance with Israel, if anyone tries to claim that supporting Israel is in America's interest. Blame Israel and American for all the bad things happening the world - remember, other countries and societies have no choice but to perpetrate violence. Only Israel and the West can be expected to have morals, or volition. And of course we can only consider when they fail in that respect, as any true America Firster would d

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Jerusalem Traffic So Bad, New Road Closures Somehow Make Things Better (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem Traffic So Bad, New Road Closures Somehow Make Things Better  

Jerusalem, October 30 - The transportation situation in Israel's capital city had deteriorated to such an extent, observers noted this week, that even such a change as blocking a major downtown artery for the next several years has had a positive effect, since improvement remained the only possible direction.

Despite a dearth of main roads in the city center that still allow private motor vehicle traffic, bus lines in the area somehow have managed to follow the most inconvenient routes conceivable, with roundabout approaches to seemingly-straightforward destinations, as if the designers had set as their goal the inconveniencing of as many people as possible. Now, however, the closure of King George V Avenue to even taxis and buses, for purposes of constructing a tunnel for one of the new light rail lines, has cut off the roundabout portions of several bus routes through the center of town and forced them on more direct paths.

City officials apologized for the changes. "We know that the public expects only obtuseness and difficulty from us," acknowledged Kishinu Oref, a liaison for the Jerusalem Municipality with the Kfir Corporation, which holds the contract to operate the city's light rail system. "Implementation of the multi-year plan to hinder movement in Jerusalem with major development projects carries with it the occasional unavoidable consequence of certain movement becoming more, instead of less, convenient. We try to minimize and mitigate such occurrences, but it is unfortunately impossible to eliminate them entirely."

Bus routes that once approached the north-south King George V from the west, then made abrupt turns a block or two in advance and proceeded back west, then north, then east again, before finally reaching King George again and proceeding south, must now drive directly onto the avenue from the west, erasing an entire detour that, in rush-hour traffic, added up to fifteen minutes of travel time; the same curtailment of the winding route occurs now in the opposite direction.

"We aim, in the long term, to make living in Jerusalem a completely untenable proposition," explained Mayor Moshe Lion. "This manifests in housing affordability and availability; unresponsiveness of municipal services; spotty traffic signal maintenance; irregular repainting of lane markers and crosswalks; trash collection timed to coincide with the most traffic-intensive hours of the day; not to mention loud, disruptive cultural events that tie up entire neighborhoods and prevent people from either leaving or getting home."

"It's nowhere near a hundred percent effective," he admitted. "Some people still like it here."

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Palestinian Victory Brought Closer By Yelling 'Go Back To Poland!' At Iranian-Born Israeli (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, October 23 - The epic struggle to liberate Islamic land from the vile clutches of Zionist imperialist settler-colonialists drew nearer today when an activist shouted toward a Jew born in the Middle East, to parents of ancient Middle East pedigree, that he should return to Eastern Europe, observers reported.

Iranian-born Jew Daniel Rahmani, visiting relatives in Queens for several weeks, was overheard on the street in conversation with one of those relatives earlier today, by a frequent participant in various campus protests and pro-Palestine rallies throughout the city, talking about everyday life in Giv'at Massua, a southwestern neighborhood of Jerusalem. The activist, Schuyler Pitts, 30, reacted to the intolerable evidence of a Jew living in the ancestral Jewish homeland, by yelling, "Go back to Poland, you colonizer!" His outburst brought a Free Palestine closer than ever, according to analysts.

Rahmani's parents fled Iran when Daniel was a toddler, in the wake of the Islamic Revolution of 1979. His family had lived in Babylonia and in Persia, as Iran had been known, since the destruction of the First Temple in Jerusalem in 586 BCE and the attendant exile of the Jews from the Kingdom of Judah in ancient Israel. The Rahmani clan members who managed to escape in time initially settled among other Persian Jews in the New York area, while Daniel's parents eventually moved with him and his three siblings to Israel, to join other relatives who had escaped the Ayatollahs. The shouting, while it confused Rahmani and his cousin, nevertheless heralded surely-imminent victory for Palestine over the European usurpers from Poland.

Pitts voiced satisfaction at his accomplishment. "Always gratifying to strike a blow for decolonization and indigenous sovereignty," he pronounced. "That Khazar doesn't belong anywhere but in Poland, or Russia, or wherever it is Jews really come from. They're not real Jews anyway."

The Khazars inhabited a kingdom in Eastern Europe during the early Middle Ages; legend tells that the kingdom, or perhaps only some high-ranking nobles and the king, converted to Judaism. A now-debunked theory charges that Ashkenazi Jews, who lived mainly in Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, and surrounding areas, descend from Khazar converts, and not, as genetic, linguistic, and cultural evidence demonstrates, from Jewish communities that took root in Southern and Western Europe following the Roman destruction of the Second Temple and the attendant exile of Jews from Judea in the first and second centuries CE, only later migrating east at the invitation of the Polish king.

He admitted that he had considered knocking off the Jew's head-covering - in this case a gray flat-cap - but thought better of it upon realizing he could not convincingly connect the gesture with anti-Zionist action. "If it were a yarmulke," he explained, using the Polish-Yiddish word for the Jewish kippah, a word that Rahmani has never known, "it would make sense. But this was just a plain old hat. Knocking it off wouldn't have brought the liberation of Palestine from the River to the Sea measurably closer, the way yelling 'Go back to Poland' does. I should go do it again."

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Gaza Genocide Continues Unabated In Israel-Hater Imaginations (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Gaza City, October 16 - The systematic destruction of Palestinians and Palestinian culture by Israeli forces has not let up, at least according to reports from the fever dreams of losers who despise the Jewish State and will both generate out of whole cloth and uncritically swallow accusations of atrocities by Jews.

Gaza ceasefire or no Gaza ceasefire, the systematic Israeli extermination of Palestinians continues without interruption in the imaginations of people predisposed to believe the worst about Israel and about Jews, without evidence, with only the argument that it has to be true because of [insert previous slander of Israel/Jews] has already established the credibility of such accusations.

"This must stop!" demanded former UN Rapporteur Francesca Albanese. "The suffering is intolerable, and the world's inaction will go down in history as a compounding of the worst crime in history!" She pointed to reports originating in the hateful fantasies of those who purport to support Palestinians, but who urge Palestinians not to yield to pressure to stop the war, to keep the genocide going.

The imaginary realm in which the Israeli genocide of Palestinians is taking place also features several conditions that do not obtain in the current reality, such as Jewish/Zionist control of the banking system - with the Rothschild family dominating in ways not possible or plausible in our world - and the 8.25 billion non-Jews of that other, fantastical, dimension remain too stupid, weak, and weak-minded to do anything about it.

Similarly, in the there's-a-genocide-of-Palestinians-happening universe, there exists a tangible, meaningful difference between anti-Zionism and antisemitism, with anti-Zionists taking pains to ensure that Jews, qua Jews, do not become targets for violence or verbal assaults, regardless of Israel's behavior, because non-antisemitic anti-Zionists steer the movement in that imaginary place, and they understand that attacks on Jews outside Israel actually strengthens the case for Israel as a homeland and refuge for Jews - as opposed to in this reality, where anti-Zionism functionally invites antisemites to incite and perpetrate violence against Jews, with the tiny-minority non-antisemitic anti-Zionists powerless to curtail the phenomenon or apathetic to it.

That genocide fantasy world appears to overlap in some imaginations with a cognitively-dissonant realm where Jews are fleeing Israel in response to noble Palestinian resistance, resistance that appears unable to prevent a genocide by Jews who manifestly are not fleeing, and who, in this same imaginary realm, continuously expel Palestinians, who cannot return to their homes despite the mass flight of Jews from the land.

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