Wednesday, March 29, 2023
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The Queen Bee syndrome is getting in the way of Jewish unity. It does this by creating conflict between Jewish women, and in some cases, men as well. In Queen Bee syndrome, a woman, the “Queen,” is mean to others, in particular to other women. The Queen may do so in order to establish a pecking
order, or to get ahead in what she perceives to be a man’s world offering only limited
opportunities for women. But whatever the catalyst, Queen Bee behavior by
nature results in alienation—the alienation of those who might otherwise have been allies. Queen Bee syndrome is far from the only obstacle standing in the way of Jewish
unity. But it should be addressed, because it affects Jewish unity as a whole, rendering us weak and ineffective as a force
for good in the world.
Now, the vast majority of my own female colleagues,
likeminded souls who fight on Israel’s behalf in a hostile world, are lovely.
We network and help each other. We chat on the phone and share good news. We
critique each other’s work with kindness and sensitivity and sit and schmooze
together at press events, subtly rolling our eyes at each other whenever a
speaker says something not in line with our political beliefs.
Why not? We’re on the same side. We are allies. Talking shop is fun.
But for some reason, a small number of women in Israel advocacy and related endeavors remain nasty, cold, and patronizing in their dealings with other women. There was the interview subject who told me my questions were too personal, even salacious, and that I clearly hadn't read her books. "I am an intellectual and a scholar and my work and ideas and thinking is [sic] at another level," she told me, putting me in my place for suggesting she might be mortal.
Public Embarrassment
Then there was the woman who upbraided me in public while I was delivering prepared remarks before a crowd. She actually wagged her finger and yelled at me. This queen bee, too, was putting me in my place. She had the power to overrule me, interrupt me, embarrass me in public. I think she wanted the other people in that room to know it should have been HER giving that speech. She wanted them to know I was noone, that I was stupid, and that they would have been much better served to be hearing from HER.
Another time, in the run-up to yet another Israeli election, I messaged a female colleague: "I had this idea that perhaps women journalists and bloggers on the right could issue a statement in support of voting for Likud. Would this be a worthwhile effort, in your opinion?"
"maybe. couldn't hurt," she responded.
Encouraged, I wrote up a draft of a statement and sent it to her for input. She never responded. A bit later, I wrote, "Too emo?" in a last-ditch effort to elicit a response.
But she never was going to respond. I wasn't important enough. She wanted me to know that.
Did I imagine these things? Read too much into them? No. The same woman avoided my eyes in the supermarket when I tried to smile and greet her. At an event, during the question and answer period, she pointedly took questions from everyone in the audience who raised their hands, everyone except for me. When my hand was the last one still standing in air, she said, "Well, that's all we have time for, tonight."
It's a shame. Because it's like these women have forgotten that we have a higher cause. It's not about who's smarter, or better, or more important. It's not about a pecking order, but about fighting for Israel and Jewish rights.
It's The Patriarchy
Of the woman I interviewed who told me she was too smart to answer my questions, I was told by the male colleague who made the introduction that I should expect in future, to be invited to this woman's fabulous dinner parties where she always hosts the most fascinating guests.
He may have been a regular at her table, but I'm still waiting for an invitation. Because guess what? I'm a woman. There's no way she's going to invite the competition. There's no way she's going to invite the likes of me.
And that's my general experience with Queen Bees. Queen Bees curry favor with the men while lashing out at the women and belittling them, often in public. The Queen Bee must call the shots, and so she is always the one to end a conversation or the relationship, such as it is. She often does this by ignoring you, your messages, and/or your emails, just as that female colleague did, after encouraging me to write up that statement she never intended to sign.
Why do some women mistreat others of their own gender? Some say it’s because of the patriarchy: queen bees have to eliminate the others if they want to rise to the top. Others say that women being mean to women is biological. Women try to destroy other women because historically, women have always had to compete not only for men but for the resources they need for their offspring.
In the world of Israel advocacy however, there's no place for this sort of angling for resources, power, or pride of place. There's enough room for all of us, and each of us has our own unique perspective to share. No woman actively fighting for her people should be to be afraid to enter a room for fear of being belittled by the others. No woman should be bullying those fighting for the same cause. Ego should have no place in this arena.
Queen Bees Come In Three Varieties
Does Queen Bee syndrome sounds familiar to you? It's no surprise. I'm not the only one to have these experiences. You've probably witnessed this behavior, yourself.
From the Atlantic, “Why Do Women Bully Each Other at Work?”:
The bitches, as Shannon saw it, came in three varieties. She categorized them on her personal blog, in a post titled “Beware the Female BigLaw Partner.”
First was the “aggressive bitch”—a certain kind of high-ranking woman at the firm where she worked who didn’t think twice about “verbally assaulting anyone.” When one such partner’s name appeared on caller ID, Shannon told me, “we would just freak out.”
Next was the two-faced “passive-aggressive bitch,” whose “subtle, semi-rude emails” hinted that “you really shouldn’t leave before 6:30.” She was arguably worse than the aggressive bitch, because you might never know where you stand.
Last but not least, the “tuned-out, indifferent bitch,” Shannon wrote, “is so busy, both with work and family, that they don’t have time for anything … This partner is not trying to be mean, but hey, they got assignments at midnight when they were associates. So you will too.
“There obviously are exceptions,” she added. “But there aren’t many.”
The Passive-Aggressive Queen Bee
According to the theory of the Queen Bee syndrome, Queen Bees like to cut you down. That makes passive-aggressive behavior par for the course. Like the interview subject who felt it necessary to make me feel bad about the nature of my questions, though I had clearly stated up front that she could skip over any and as many questions as she liked.
More from the Atlantic:
[Shannon] once spotted a female partner screaming at the employees at a taxi stand because the cars weren’t coming fast enough. Another would praise Shannon to her face, then dispatch a senior associate to tell her she was working too slowly. One time, Shannon emailed a female partner—one of the passive-aggressive variety—saying, “Attached is a revised list of issues and documents we need from the client. Let me know of anything I may have left off.”
“Here’s another example” of you not being confident, the partner responded, according to Shannon. “The ‘I may have left off’ language is not as much being solicitous of my ideas as it is suggesting a lack of confidence in the completeness of your list.”
Is Shannon perhaps being a bit thin-skinned?
Shannon admits that she can be a little sensitive, but she wasn’t the only one who noticed. “Almost every girl cried at some point,” she says. Some of the male partners could be curt, she said, but others were nice. Almost all of the female partners, on the other hand, were very tough.
In my case, too, I found I was not the only female in Israel advocacy who had been cut down to size by a Queen Bee. One day, I called a writer friend, and told her about my experiences. "Who?" she asked me. It was just us chickens, so I named names, all the big deal women who had made me feel ant-sized and marginalized in our shared world, the arena of Israel advocacy. She too, had been abused by what I now know, are serial abusers of their own sex, women active in their own circles.
Male Vs. Female Boss
Sometimes a woman has to take it, be maltreated by the other women, if she wants to stay in the game, stay relevant. Other women have a choice. They don't have to stay. But even then, it's hard. It takes courage to make a move when your self-confidence has taken a beating and you've been made to feel inadequate. According to the Atlantic, it took 16 months for Shannon to finally decide to up and leave.
Is the Queen Bee syndrome real? There is ample evidence to suggest that it is. For example, both women and men prefer a male over a female boss. It seems plausible to conclude that a large enough number of women in the workplace are unpleasant to others, so much so that both women and men have been traumatized. They’d rather have a male boss than take the risk of suffering further female tyranny:
In 2011, Kim Elsesser, a lecturer at UCLA, analyzed responses from more than 60,000 people and found that women—even those who were managers themselves—were more likely to want a male boss than a female one. The participants explained that female bosses are “emotional,” “catty,” or “bitchy.” (Men preferred male bosses too, but by a smaller margin than the female participants did.)
In a smaller survey of 142 law-firm secretaries—nearly all of whom were women—not one said she or he preferred working for a female partner, and only 3 percent indicated that they liked reporting to a female associate. (Nearly half had no preference.) “I avoid working for women because [they are] such a pain in the ass!” one woman said. In yet another study, women who reported to a female boss had more symptoms of distress, such as trouble sleeping and headaches, than those who worked for a man.
Queen Bees Preen
According to the BBC, Queen Bee syndrome was first defined by psychologists at the University of Michigan in 1973:
Queen bee syndrome describes a woman in a position of authority in a male-dominated environment who treats subordinates more critically if they are female. Prof Dame Sally Davies, England's first female chief medical officer, used the term in 2014 when describing her own experiences in the health sector. "I saw it particularly in medicine - queen bees preening and enjoying being the only woman," she said.
Margaret Thatcher, the UK's first female prime minister, has been described as a queen bee for not promoting or furthering the careers of women in her cabinet.
There's A Ripple Effect
Some women, for example, Shannon, manage to extricate themselves from a Queen Bee-ruled workplace. But often, there’s a ripple effect (emphasis added):
In 2011, Prof [Naomi] Ellemers and her colleagues [at Utrecht University in the Netherlands] carried out a study asking Dutch policewomen to recall specific experiences of being discriminated against. They found that being reminded of gender discrimination prompted participants to downplay the sexism they had experienced. It also triggered queen bee behaviour among policewomen who identified weakly with other women at work. "They are being taught to be successful in the organisation you need to adopt male characteristics," Prof Ellemers says.
"They cope with gender bias by demonstrating they are different from other women."
These women use phrases such as: "I'm not like the other women, I'm much more ambitious."
Prof Ellemers calls this "self-group distancing" - a response that is also found among other groups that are under-represented at work - and argues queen bee syndrome is a product of gender stereotyping.
Perhaps so, but if women are to be part of a cohesive and
strong Jewish front in the battle for Israel’s reputation and against Jew-hatred,
they must always squelch the impulse to be nasty to their sistahs. Queen Bee
syndrome may be about women’s inhumanity to other women, but Jewish unity is
impossible when a significant number of them refuse to be nice to the
others. Putting ego aside for the sake of our people and our nation is absolutely critical.
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