Wednesday, February 06, 2019

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Credit: Medical Corps
Credit: Medical Corps
Gush Etzion Crossing, February 6 - Israeli soldiers instigate cardiac arrest in vulnerable Palestinians for purposes of treating them and looking good as a result, human rights groups allege in a new report.

Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontièrs, Human Rights Watch, Btselem, and several smaller organizations charge that the IDF not only sees the emergency medical treatment it provides to Palestinians as a public relations opportunity; they allege that it actively foments medical events with the aim of creating publicity for the treatment. The means by which the IDF remotely generates heart attacks, seizures, and other emergencies were not mentioned in the report.

A spokesman for Amnesty told reporters that activists from numerous human rights organizations had monitored interactions between Israeli soldiers and Palestinian civilians, and discovered that in nearly all cases in which a Palestinian required medical attention that did not result from a violent encounter, IDF medics hurried to provide that care. "Obviously that could not be an altruistic act, since this is Israel we're talking about," explained Raul Panim. "But it occurs far too often to be coincidental, and we came to the conclusion that Israel must be engineering these events somehow to help counter the prevailing image of them as sadistic, inhuman, uniquely evil occupiers, an image we are proud to note we payed a large role in creating."

"Of course Amnesty couldn't have done this alone," he continued. "Not just because there are numerous locations where the interactions take place, but also because we've been allocating our limited manpower of late to getting TripAdvisor not to carry Jewish homes in the ancestral Jewish homeland. Because of human rights. Anyway, because we've been devoting most of our recent attention to other aspects of this uniquely evil occupation, Amnesty hasn't had the time to take on this monitoring project itself, and we're happy to collaborate with our partners on it."

The groups plan a follow-up research project to determine the means by which Israel causes the heart attacks and other medical events. "Figuring out that aspect of this conspiracy is beyond our capabilities," conceded Médecins Sans Frontièrs activist Faith Heeler. "Very few of us are involved in actual medical research. So we're going to have to partner with other organizations who are willing to manage that side of things. Fortunately, we've already lined up some enthusiastic partners such as Dr. David Duke, Dr. David Irving, and Dr. Josef Göbbels."

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