Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory
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NJ State HouseTrenton, June 29 - As part of a legislative package passed on Monday that barred the state pension fund from investing in companies that boycott Israel, New Jersey General Assembly and Senate members also initiated a mandated weekly activity in which one lawmaker will seize the underwear band of a BDS activist from the back and pull it upwards with enough force to jam the fabric of the garment into the wearer's intergluteal cleft and, if possible, ripping the waistband itself from the remainder of the garment.

A provision of the measure divesting from the Israel-divestment advocates calls for a literal divestment of said advocates in the form of a wedgie, a classic prank associated with the debasement of the person receiving the wedgie. Legislators from both major parties spoke out in favor of both the overall anti-BDS bill and the specific wedgie provision of it, and called on Governor Chris Christie to sign the bill into law. The governor is expected to do so.

"This is an important statement that we will not accept the nonsense that the BDS movement peddles, and that their bullying tactics will only backfire," said State Senator Minerva Melvin, a Democrat of District 18 in the central part of the state. "It is high time these thugs receive a taste of their own medicine, and I, for one, look forward to administering an atomic wedgie or two, and cheering on my colleagues to do the same." An Atomic Wedgie, she explained, involves pulling the back of the underwear over the target's head.

Republican Frank Brastrap of neighboring District 17 noted the rare bipartisanship that characterized both the deliberations and voting on the measure. "Some issues are too important to be subjected to partisan politics, and hoisting BDS with its own petard is one of the issues firmly in bipartisan consensus in this state and in the country at large," he gushed. "And speaking of hoisting, I intend to find a good hook or door handle or something from which to hang any activists with the misfortune to have me as their wedgie provider."

BDS advocates admit they feel squeezed by the law. "But I'm not going to let the threat of wedgies intimidate me into silence," vowed activist Paur Aziz, a student at Rutgers University. "All these Zionist-owned legislators should know that intimidation is OUR strategy, and we do not stand idly by when others turn around and use it against us."

Aziz declined to comment on reports that an amendment to the bill has already been proposed, under which swirlies would be added to the treatment meted out against BDS advocates.

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