Wednesday, January 20, 2016

  • Wednesday, January 20, 2016
  • Elder of Ziyon

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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dark chocolate
Marah, Sinai Peninsula, January 20 - Aficionados of high-percentage cocoa-solid chocolates expressed disappointment this week after Moses sweetened the lakes here for the benefit of the Israelites, Hebrew representatives reported this afternoon.

A group of Hebrews consisting of those who insist unsweetened, or, in a pinch, bittersweet, chocolate is the only acceptable form in which to consume the confection voiced disdain for the millions of Israelites who complained the waters at Marah were so bitter as to be undrinkable. The group asserted that anyone with a modicum of good culinary taste would agree that only Philistines prefer the non-bitter flavor.

Marah took its name from the bitterness of its water, as "Marah" is one form of the term for "bitter" in Semitic languages.  When the Hebrews camped there in the aftermath of crossing the Sea of Reeds, they complained to Moses of the water's quality. The Lord instructed Moses to sweeten the waters by throwing a tree into them, and the masses were able to drink. Dark chocolate aficionados scoffed at such hoi polloi sensibilities, and insisted that Moses and God should not have catered to those Plebeian aesthetics.

"We know that God has big plans for this people, given the unprecedented wonders involved in His redemption of us from bondage," explained Anin Taam, a spokesman for the group. "Would it not be more fitting, then, to require that this people destined for greatness develop and demonstrate the most refined sensibilities? We cannot have a 'treasured nation' charged with revealing God's plan for humanity walking around with the culinary tastes of five-year-olds. Next you'll tell me God wants us to arrange the Song at the Sea as an 80's glam-rock ballad," he added with a grimace.

"I hope this doesn't presage what awaits us in the Land of Milk and Honey," echoed fellow aficionado Baal Gaava. "It better not be cow milk, which anybody who's anybody knows is crap. Goat milk is the way to go. Anyway, so many of us are lactose intolerant - lactose tolerance is a northern European thing, don't you know? And the dates - if they're not Medjoul dates, there's nothing to talk about. Might as well call the whole operation off."

Similar minor protest occurred before the Hebrews' departure from Egypt. At the time, the Lord had commanded the people to prepare a paschal lamb or kid in a specific manner, one that notably did not allow for the preparation and application of a proper marinade. The culinary snobs balked at the oversight, and only grudgingly ate of the roasted animals.

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