Thursday, October 23, 2025

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, October 23 - The epic struggle to liberate Islamic land from the vile clutches of Zionist imperialist settler-colonialists drew nearer today when an activist shouted toward a Jew born in the Middle East, to parents of ancient Middle East pedigree, that he should return to Eastern Europe, observers reported.

Iranian-born Jew Daniel Rahmani, visiting relatives in Queens for several weeks, was overheard on the street in conversation with one of those relatives earlier today, by a frequent participant in various campus protests and pro-Palestine rallies throughout the city, talking about everyday life in Giv'at Massua, a southwestern neighborhood of Jerusalem. The activist, Schuyler Pitts, 30, reacted to the intolerable evidence of a Jew living in the ancestral Jewish homeland, by yelling, "Go back to Poland, you colonizer!" His outburst brought a Free Palestine closer than ever, according to analysts.

Rahmani's parents fled Iran when Daniel was a toddler, in the wake of the Islamic Revolution of 1979. His family had lived in Babylonia and in Persia, as Iran had been known, since the destruction of the First Temple in Jerusalem in 586 BCE and the attendant exile of the Jews from the Kingdom of Judah in ancient Israel. The Rahmani clan members who managed to escape in time initially settled among other Persian Jews in the New York area, while Daniel's parents eventually moved with him and his three siblings to Israel, to join other relatives who had escaped the Ayatollahs. The shouting, while it confused Rahmani and his cousin, nevertheless heralded surely-imminent victory for Palestine over the European usurpers from Poland.

Pitts voiced satisfaction at his accomplishment. "Always gratifying to strike a blow for decolonization and indigenous sovereignty," he pronounced. "That Khazar doesn't belong anywhere but in Poland, or Russia, or wherever it is Jews really come from. They're not real Jews anyway."

The Khazars inhabited a kingdom in Eastern Europe during the early Middle Ages; legend tells that the kingdom, or perhaps only some high-ranking nobles and the king, converted to Judaism. A now-debunked theory charges that Ashkenazi Jews, who lived mainly in Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, and surrounding areas, descend from Khazar converts, and not, as genetic, linguistic, and cultural evidence demonstrates, from Jewish communities that took root in Southern and Western Europe following the Roman destruction of the Second Temple and the attendant exile of Jews from Judea in the first and second centuries CE, only later migrating east at the invitation of the Polish king.

He admitted that he had considered knocking off the Jew's head-covering - in this case a gray flat-cap - but thought better of it upon realizing he could not convincingly connect the gesture with anti-Zionist action. "If it were a yarmulke," he explained, using the Polish-Yiddish word for the Jewish kippah, a word that Rahmani has never known, "it would make sense. But this was just a plain old hat. Knocking it off wouldn't have brought the liberation of Palestine from the River to the Sea measurably closer, the way yelling 'Go back to Poland' does. I should go do it again."






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