Thursday, September 26, 2019

Our weekly column (delayed) from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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beesJerusalem, September 26 - A legislator from the Joint List alliance of Arab parties accused supporters of Jewish self-determination of subjecting millions of flying, pollinating insects to bondage and exploiting the creatures to harvest the product of their hard work.

Member of Knesset Dabr Nhil of the Balad Party addressed the media following an orientation meeting for new parliamentarians, during which he claimed to have encountered for the first time the Jewish practice of dipping apples in Honey for the Jewish New Year - which in Israel, he discovered, means using a local product stolen from the enslaved indigenous bee population.

"Just when you think the murderous Zionist usurper rapists can sink no lower, you learn something even worse about them," he pronounced. "Millions, perhaps tens of millions of helpless bees, enslaved, relegated to hives where they must return from the field if they ever want to see their families again. Then, after an entire season's hard labor, gathering nectar, processing it, and storing it, the Zionist 'beekeeper' comes along and takes away the lion's share of the product. We Palestinians know the same treatment at the hands of the rapacious, plundering invader."

The Jewish practice of dipping piece of apple into honey on Rosh Hashanah represents but the most popular of a genre of the festival's culinary traditions, but by no means the only one in which MK Nhil sees oppressive colonialism at work. "Look at the way the bloodthirsty Zionists dismember the pomegranate," he added . "First they violently tear it from the tree, its source of nourishment and life, and then toss it like chattel into a container where, if it's lucky, it gets taken right to the distributor and then to the retailer, only one step away from its misery ending. But just as often the Zionist abusers prolong its suffering by keeping it in a cold environment with no light, no blankets, and not even warm clothing! It can take months of this ordeal before the pomegranate gets put out of its misery. And that they do with a knife and a spoon. The cruelty boggles the mind."

Nhil further accused Zionists of beheading fish in similar New Year rituals, and called on the International Court of Justice in The Hague to immediately open an investigation into the barbaric practices of Jewish-sovereignty-supporting groups responsible for the mistreatment of carrots, but especially butchering the English language with war-crime-level Rosh Hashanah puns such as "lettuce half-a-raisin celery."

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