Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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desert near JerichoJericho, April 18 - Israel's supreme court ordered the divinely-ordered operation against this oasis city-state overlooking the Jordan River to halt Wednesday, a move that casts doubt on the Israelites' ability to continue their campaign to inhabit the land promised to their forefathers.

The court ruled 5-2 that the Israelites must refrain from marching around Jericho once per day, blasting ram horns, and seven times on the seventh day, steps that would lead to the city's defensive walls sinking into the ground. Court President Miriam Hayut authored the majority decision, and suggested the entire effort to bring the divine will into earthly manifestation will have to be abandoned, as it threatens to infringe on the rights of non-Israelites.

Most Israelite leaders now argue for a legislative act to overrule the court's self-declared right to assert supremacy, while a vocal minority defend the court as the last bastion of civilization in a society that can descend into fascism at any moment.

Few of the court's defenders, however, were willing to speak on record in favor of abandoning the enterprise of settling the Promised Land and driving out its immoral, idolatrous inhabitants. A Benjaminite speaking on background referred to an episode thirty-nine years ago in which opposition to reaching and settling in Canaan led to several decades of stasis as an entire generation of men died out.

Critics of the court, on the other hand, wasted no time in calling for measures to limit the body's power. "A small cadre of left-wing elitists thinks it can control all of us," charged Caleb ben-Yefuneh, one of only two grown men to live through the generational purge. "It's the same problem all over again as with the spies - people in positions of influence who feel those positions threatened by impending or ongoing changes in society, and sabotage the eternal mission of Israel in the world just to preserve their political or social status. That's not what we're called upon to do here."

Competing proposals for a law to restrain such judicial activism have been put forth by different Israelite factions. A more conservative version favored by most tribal princes would impose restrictions on the court only in the case of Jericho. Some, however, notably those in the House of Judah faction, aim to set limits on High Court authority across the board, as they anticipate similar instances over the expected seven-year process of assuming control over the land.

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