Wednesday, April 29, 2015

  • Wednesday, April 29, 2015
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Dearborn, MI, April 29 - Local hairdresser Malik Hassan regularly wows customers with his uncanny ability to convincingly argue that Jews are behind every negative phenomenon ever documented, Detroit-area sources reported Wednesday.

Mr. Hassan, 28, often regales his clients with feats of logic and analysis involving history, science, current events, politics, and various social issues, always adducing evidence to buttress his thesis that Jews control world affairs, but only in an evil way. The unmarried father of two typically holds forth for about fifteen customers per day at the Saara Salon, whose name involves a play on words that uses a Semitic root that means both "hair" and "storm," the latter a tribute to the sensibilities of Dearborn automotive hero Henry Ford and his dedication to exploring alleged Jewish conspiracies as often featured in the publication Der Stürmer.

"Malik is a master," says coworker Ayaan Faridi, 26. "Within three minutes of hearing about the earthquake in Nepal, he'd already put together the pieces and come up with a persuasive line of reasoning as to how the Jews caused the disaster, and how they stand to profit from it. I couldn't do his argument justice, but his basic point was that you can't trust those Jews."

Ms. Faridi recalled an earlier instance, several months ago, in which Hassan linked Jews to Bubonic plague, autism, chemtrails, and pollution from hydrofracking, doing so with a fluidity and facility that astounded her. "He was pulling information from I don't know where, but he had every last one of us convinced," she recounted, to nods from the other hairdressers.

Accusing Jews of nefarious conspiracies is nothing new. Hassan's uniqueness lies in his original application of them to everyday developments in a way that compellingly explains how there is no need to engage in self-examination or improve oneself, since all evil comes from the monstrous, all-encompassing Jewish conspiracy, says social scholar David Duke.

"Any cultured person will have encountered the eminently reasonable notion that the Jews orchestrated 9/11, faked the Holocaust, arranged for Kennedy and Lincoln to be assassinated, what have you. I think where Mr. Hassan excels is the smoothness with which he weaves his narrative, bringing in even the most innocent-sounding facts and showing how, in actuality, they point ever more convincingly to a comprehensive, worldwide, eternal Jewish plot to enslave the rest of humanity."

Hassan recently began to outdo himself, noted Duke, in showing how Jews were responsible for events that until now were thought to precede the advent of Jews entirely. "I heard him last week, and he blew my mind. I'd never before considered how Jews might be to blame for the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs; for the decline of the Egyptian Old Kingdom (2686-2181 BCE); and the mysterious cataclysmic event that violently tore a huge chunk off the Earth in its early period in order to form what became the moon."

Even more impressive, said a frequent client at the salon who declined to be named lest the Jews get to her, Hassan can even demonstrate how Jews can reach into fiction and folklore to manipulate events. "He just told me how there's no way to explain the Death Star's destruction of Alderaan unless the Jews were ultimately behind it," she said, still stunned.

"It's like there's no longer any boundary between fact and fantasy."

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