Abbas: Rivlin's Vegetarianism More Offensive Than His Politics (PreOccupied Territory)

More from the humor site PreOccupied Territory:

---

Jerusalem, June 11 - Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reacted to the election of Reuven Rivlin as President of Israel by taking exception to the latter's vegetarian sensibilities, rather than to his views on the desirability of annexing parts of the West Bank to Israel.

Abbas had his office send a perfunctory note of congratulations to the incoming head of state, a message that specifically and uncharacteristically ignored the president-elect's problematic position on areas the Palestinians seek for a state, apparently more horrified by Rivlin's avoidance of meat. 

"As the duly elected leader of the Palestinian people I offer congratulations on your selection as president," read the message. "I hope we can work together for a just resolution of the conflict between our peoples despite your apparent inability to recognize that humans are omnivores and not rabbits." The message offered to refer the president-elect to a vast selection of delicious meat dishes, suggesting that perhaps the former Speaker of the Knesset disdained meat because he had never had it properly prepared.

MK Reuven Rivlin was elected as Israel's next president yesterday, succeeding Shimon Peres, whose term ends next month, and who has not been known to abstain from tasty, succulent meat. Rivlin, however, has avoided animal flesh since the 1960's, a fact that the Palestinian leader evidently finds far more troubling than his favoring a policy that would deprive the nascent Palestinian state of the vast majority of its hoped-for territory.

"As we all know, Hitler was also a vegetarian," explained Palestinian sociologist Khalil Shikaki. "Not that Abu Mazen thinks the avoidance of meat is a cause, or even a symptom, of genocidal, maniacal, xenophobic, delusional demagoguery, but the association is hardly a positive one. I believe Abu Mazen feels he is expressing collective Palestinian unease with a man who refuses to partake of one of the basic pleasures of being at the top of the food chain."

"Refraining from asserting, at every possible opportunity, one's power of life and death over other creatures, whether human or not, is simply alien to us," added Shikaki. "In fact I would characterize it as offensive."