Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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matza
Tehran, March 9 - In the spirit of what it called religious tolerance for the minorities within its borders, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that it would supply the Persian Jewish community at no cost with all the blood it needs to prepare unleavened bread for Passover this year, citing the availability of a large number of homosexuals to be executed. Passover begins the night of April 22 this year.

Ayatollah Edwar Davnorweesh of the Isfahan Religious District sent a notice to the leaders of Iran's 9,000-strong Jewish community that the recent uptick in hangings and beheadings of gay men in the country meant that the government was in position of being able to supply hundreds of liters of human blood for purposes of preparing matza, and that the Jews would not need to furtively murder non-Jews this year in order to obtain the liquid.

"Our efforts to purify our land of homosexual scum have afforded us the opportunity to foster religious tolerance and enable others to follow their traditions at the same time," the announcement read. "The alacrity with which our enforcement mechanisms have apprehended, tried, and meted out the appropriate sentence to deviants has enabled us to offer, free of charge, all of the blood we can drain from the criminals' bodies to our cherished Jewish community for purposes of kneading into matza, as everyone knows is their ancient practice."

Davnorweesh promised that given the higher risk of homosexual blood containing HIV, it would be tested before being supplied to matza bakers. He expressed bewilderment that those facilities were not equipped with tanks to hold non-Jewish blood, and offered to provide that equipment as well if necessary.

Jewish leaders have yet to respond to the overture, which may or may not have been extended in good faith, according to analyst Maha Rahl, who studies Jewish-Iranian relations. "It's hard to shake the feeling there's something cynical going on on the part of the regime," she said. "At the same time, it would be unwise for this minority community to reject such a gesture. Their welfare is at the mercy of the Ayatollahs, and getting on the bad side of a newly empowered hardline government may not be the wisest thing when every move by the community is scrutinized for signs that they do not show enough gratitude for not being persecuted more, or, worse, hints of Zionism."

Community officials declined to answer questions regarding the possibility that homosexual blood might be unacceptable under Jewish ritual law.


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