Wednesday, December 30, 2015

  • Wednesday, December 30, 2015
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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I said my piece today in court about my innocence, and about how I will respect the High Court's rulings on my impending prison sentences. My legal team is examining what further options we have, but it comes down to this: whom do I have to bribe to get my conviction for accepting bribes overturned?

There's always a way. My decades in politics have taught me nothing if not that. It just takes finding the right people, and the right inducements. Then it's merely a matter of persuasion, timing, and execution. So who's it gonna be? I can still call in favors to make it worth somebody's while. All I have to do is come up with a plan, and find the people willing to be handsomely rewarded for facilitating that plan.

Of course some setbacks are to be expected. That's the nature of the game. I can't seriously expect to resolve this problem before my incarceration begins as scheduled in February. These things do take time. Even if my legal team can't prevent the eighteen-month sentence from starting, I can still work things from behind bars. It might even take as long as the whole sentence, but I've got my sights set on cleansing myself of the "moral turpitude" this conviction attached to the sentence. Unless I can arrange to have that reversed, I won't be allowed to re-enter politics for seven years after my release. That would be a shame, because I'm not so young anymore, and I wouldn't be able to serve the electorate with the same arrogance and incompetence that they came to expect from me. So I need to know who the fixer is who can get this done for me. I pay well.

I need to find the right people or person in the right position to make my case to them, in whatever denominations they prefer. Someone who understands, as I do, and as so many leftist Israelis do, that sometimes the rigid rules of the system have to give way to a higher value. In my case, it was the development of Jerusalem. In the case of the Left, it's a peace agreement, and who cares about a few bribes before I was even prime minister? To the fixer I'm looking for, it's a little of both: grease the right palms, make the right threats, all in the interest of clearing my name so I can get back into politics, make a triumphant return to the premiership, and give away huge swaths of the Jewish homeland to a bunch of unreconstructed terrorists in suits.

So who's it gonna be? Name your price.

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