Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

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Thursday, December 07, 2023

Israel Better Not Violate The Next Ceasefire By Returning Hamas Fire, by Joseph R. Biden (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Israel Better Not Violate The Next Ceasefire By Returning Hamas Fire

by Joseph R. Biden, President, United States of America

Washington, December 7 - The next precious, fragile pause in hostilities in Gaza to facilitate the release of hostages must continue. My administration will persist in its determined efforts to ensure that the calm prevails, when the time comes and that if Hamas does shoot, Israel does not shatter the ceasefire by retaliating.

Many lives are still at stake, and not just those of the hostages. Humanity cannot simply shrug at any resumption in hostilities. We must impress upon the parties to the conflict the critical need to resolve the difficult situation through non-violent means; we must encourage them to maintain the fragile calm, and, when Hamas or allied factions fire at Israel, not to violate that calm by firing back.

The innocent people of Gaza have suffered as well. I am proud to say that with American leadership, the international community has rallied to work toward their protection via the eventual implementation of a broader ceasefire arrangement, which must be inviolate even if Hamas violates it.

None of us are naïve about the mechanisms and inducements necessary to preserve a ceasefire. A ceasefire was in place until Israel fired back on October 7. Even the preemptive calls on Israel for a ceasefire before their retaliation began failed to stop it. A more lasting arrangement will have to better account for the factors that previous efforts failed to weigh properly. Only then can we prevent violations of that ceasefire when Israel fires back. Otherwise we simply repeat all the previous mistakes.

The parties to the proceedings, including our allies in the region, all understand that one of the keys to preventing the collapse of a ceasefire when Israel returns fire lies in identifying and implementing measures to keep Hamas from firing in the first place. That imposing challenge has long loomed over previous efforts to secure quiet on the Gaza front. The United States will continue to work with its partners in the region and beyond to find solutions, with whatever creativity becomes necessary, to induce Hamas not to fire when a ceasefire is in place, so that Israel is not prompted to break the ceasefire in retaliation.

Together, all the parties to this process can arrive at a workable, even durable, solution, provided we develop realistic, holistic incentive and oversight mechanisms, which our allies and I believe not just desirable, but possible. It may yet take some time, but I promise to work hard to ensure that the next time Hamas fires rockets at Israel or shoots at Israeli soldiers during a ceasefire, Israel will refrain from shooting back and thus violating the ceasefire.

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Hamas Promises Free Apartment Rubble To Anyone Who Fights Israel (PreOccupied Teritory)

Hamas Promises Free Apartment Rubble To Anyone Who Fights Israel

Gaza City, December 3 - Leaders of the Islamist terrorist organization that governs most of the Gaza Strip urged residents of the territory to resist the ongoing Israeli incursion by all means possible, and as a reward, the movement undertakes to provide each such volunteer, free of charge, pieces of the ruins that would have been a new home if not for the war.

Hamas officials called again for the Palestinians of Gaza not to use the humanitarian corridors that Israel has provided for noncombatants to flee conflict zones, but to take up arms and fight the Zionists. Anyone who participates in resisting the Israeli operation to eliminate Hamas, the organization vowed, will received the ruins of what once was a beautiful new apartment before Hamas used it as a fighting position, armament-storage facility, or other military purpose, for which the IDF targeted and destroyed it.

"All who join the glorious resistance against the usurper-occupier Zionist pig-dogs will be rewarded," declared Abu Obeida, the organization's unofficial spokesman. "When the fighting ends and the ape-Jew invader is defeated and exterminated, your leadership will grant each adult, or his family if he does not survive, the mess of concrete, steel, glass, and other materials that used to be a home until it wasn't."

If Hamas remains in power after the war - which began when the organization invaded southern Israel in an orgy of murder, rape, mutilation, torture, and abduction on October 7 - it will have vast swaths of Gaza City rubble to allocate to those who helped resist Israel. In addition to the pieces and skeletons of destroyed buildings, the ruins include hundreds of miles of reinforced-concrete tunnels beneath those former buildings - meaning that the rubble available to reward those who remained loyal to Hamas and took an active part in fighting Israel actually exceeds the volume of rubble from destroyed apartments.

The incentive represents an adaptation of an earlier offer by Hamas to Palestinians civilians who participated in the pogrom of October 7: a free apartment. IDF operations with the declared aim of destroying Hamas have rendered impracticable the same policy vis-à-vis the ongoing battle withing the Gaza Strip now that Israel has taken the fight to the enemy and landed numerous destructive blows.

Aides to Mr. Obeida acknowledged that while numerous apartments remain available in the southern section of the Gaza Strip, and Israel's operations on the ground have concentrated so far in the north, most observers anticipate that Israel will shift to the south once it hits all of its targets in the north.

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Minds OK With Muhammad's Flying Horse Unable To Grasp Notion Of Jewish Self-Defense (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Cairo, November 9 - Religious thinkers whose cognitive abilities can incorporate the wondrous truth of Muhammad the Prophet conducting a Night Journey to what is now a shrine in Jerusalem, leaving his mighty steed's hoofprint in the rock, and returning to Arabia before dawn, have also found difficulty accepting that Jews have a right to take steps not to be harmed, even by those who believe the flying horse story.

Islamic - and many Christian - theologians and scholars continued to struggle of late with notions of Jewish self-defense, let alone Jewish sovereignty, concepts at odds with everything the scholars understand about the world, very much unlike, for example, the not-ridiculous idea of thousands of years of documented religious tradition being a big corruption suddenly corrected by the ramblings of an illiterate seventh-century desert tribesman from half-remembered tales overheard from Jewish neighbors.

"That's not an acceptable thing," insisted a leading scholar of religions at Cairo University. "You need to think straight and not give credence to absurdities," referring, presumably, not to a non-corporeal God deciding to impregnate a human virgin with Himself so He could take human form, violating His own explicit teachings about His infinite formlessness, with the intention of having that human form get killed to save humanity from damnation that He ordained in the first place, but to any consideration that Jews control their own security and affairs instead of remaining at the mercy of host populations who force them to pay for "protection" and only sometimes get it.

"Please stop holding such ridiculous thoughts in your head," he added.

His colleagues, who accept that either seventy-two virgins, or seventy-two white grapes, depending on how one interprets the Prophet's terminology, the importance of determining which should be of some importance, you might think, go in Paradise to to those who die in holy war, confessed that they cannot wrap their heads around Jews being able to defend themselves. "Defend themselves? From whom? When has anyone ever mistreated Jews?"

"What an absurd belief."

Thinkers who represent a tradition in which the mainstream framing of its principles demanded for many centuries that Jews bear collective, eternal guilt for the death of God incarnate, who died to atone for the sins of all of humanity, in which case, the Jews did everyone a favor by engineering that atonement, expressed confusion at the thought that Jews might enjoy the right to prevent or defend against rhetorical or violent attempts by followers of those principles to harm Jews.

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UN: Israel Must Replace Phone Chargers Hamas Lost In Wreckage (PreOccupied Teritory)

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UN: Israel Must Replace Phone Chargers Hamas Lost In Wreckage

Gaza City, November 2 - International pressure came upon Israel today to provide new devices to the Palestinian fighters who can no longer power up their cellphones after access to the original items was severed in airstrikes on Palestinian military positions.

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, Filippo Grandi, and heads of several other UN agencies, demanded this morning that Israel replace phone chargers that Hamas and other militant group fighters lost because of IDF activity against command posts, tunnels, missile launchers, and other positions in the Gaza Strip.

"The right to free association is a fundamental human right," declared Grandi. "Denying anyone that over political disagreement - and we can all agree that modern phones are the chief vehicle for free association - is a violation of basic human dignity. Palestinians have been fighting for that dignity for decades."

Grandi made the statement in conjunction with representatives of Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Btselem, Médecins Sans Forntières, and several Palestinian human-rights-monitoring groups, all of whom characterized the deprivation by Israel to Hamas of phone chargers as a war crime and collective punishment.

"There is no shortage of innocent content on those phones, and this indiscriminate severing of access to those apps and files is illegal and violates human rights law," stated Sari Bashi of HRW.

"The poor Palestinian mothers won't be able to communicate with their sons," she lamented.

A Btselem activist relayed an account by a Palestinian who had to choose between leaving his phone charger in a tunnel and leaving an Israeli child being held hostage there. "It's a cruel choice Israel forces them to make," cried the activist. "I can't imagine being in that position. But we must force ourselves to imagine it, imagine having to make that choice. There were still limbs on that child for the Palestinian man to cut off, and he was unable to finish the job."

The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees, the chief UN organ for addressing the Palestinian plight, noted its own inability to address the lack of chargers. "Unfortunately, several weeks ago, unknown parties entered our main facility in Gaza and emptied it out of fuel, drinking water, batteries, food, and chargers," the agency stated. "We have asked our contacts in Hamas, who run everything here, and whose rosters overlap with ours, who might have done that and where the supplies might be, and we haven't gotten an answer yet."

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Latest cartoons, memes (12 of them!)

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Israel Destroyed Our High-Rises - Where Will We Throw Gays Off The Roof From Now? (PreOccupied Territory)

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Israel Destroyed Our High-Rises - Where Will We Throw Gays Off The Roof From Now?

by Amr Safa

Khan Yunis, October 26 - The wasteland that the brutal Zionists have wrought in Palestine can never be forgiven. The horrendous loss of life, the rubble where homes once stood, the tall buildings from which we once pushed homosexuals, but alas, can no longer, because the Zionist bombs have demolished them.

A heinous crime! The international community must ensure that the Zionists are punished for this outrage!

Obviously not by throwing them from the roof of a tall building, but we can think of other ways, as you might surmise.

Please dispense with any suggestions that we can make use of shorter buildings, with lower rooftops, for the same purpose as we once used the high-rises. We have tried it, and the results were consistently disappointing. Even bound and unable to position themselves to minimize damage, the gays only sometimes died from the fall itself. We frequently had to take further measures to move the process along, such as beating them the rest of the way to death, or tying them to motorcycles and dragging them in the street until they completely expired, and then continued driving for a while because that's what homosexuality deserves. But the Zionists leave us no other option now.

How does anyone expect us to maintain morality with no tall buildings off of which to throw homosexuals? The depravity of the Zionists and their western backers occurs not in a vacuum of military brutality, which is bad enough, but represents a calculated campaign to undermine the morals of Islamic society, including Palestine, by preventing us from treating moral abominations with the disgust and demonstrativeness they deserve. They would even have us not beat our wives and not burn our sisters to death for conversing with men without our approval!

We vow now: we will rebuild. We always have. Granted, first Hamas has to get its cut, then all the necessary bribes, and skimming off the top by everyone whose hands the money even briefly touches, but we will rebuild. The global donors will always side with Palestine. They love us, which is why they close their gates when some of us might otherwise think of fleeing the Zionist genocide. We are so grateful! Please, send more money that can be turned into rubble in the next war. This is what your money is for! We still have gays to execute in the traditional manner.

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Satan Annoyed At Latest Hamas Arrivals; 'I Thought I Finished With These Bastards In 1945' (PreOccupied Territory)

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Hades, October 18- The infernal official who oversees the postmortem punishment of unrepentant sinners voiced his continued exasperation today upon the registration of a new batch of Palestinian terrorists that Israeli forces killed over the last several days, as he lamented his mistaken assumption that he had already completed handling of Nazis in large numbers almost eighty years ago, and was not pleased to discover them still operating on Earth.

The Devil told numerous demons today for at least the fifth time in the last twenty-four hours that he had had quite enough of Nazis as of 1945 already, and that the incoming waves of their ideological successors in the form of Hamas terrorists and their abettors have reopened a chapter in the history of Perdition that the Prince of Darkness would rather leave behind.

"These guys again?" Satan was heard to remark. "I thought I was finished with groups of them when the Second World War ended. But they keep showing up here all these decades later. You have to be kidding me."

Denizens of the netherworld recalled an upset Lucifer telephoning the LORD for clarification, then slamming down the receiver when the Almighty informed him of the ongoing Hamas-Israel conflict.

"Bastards," he whispered. "Goddamn bastards."

The Devil shook his head clear. "Time to get to work," he barked at various minions, who began shoveling burning feces into every orifice of the terrified ex-Hamas operatives, as their own little-girl shrieks of horror and pain were played back in their ears at 130 decibels and all their humiliating moments shown on big screens, to the delighted jeers of demons who looked exactly like the people the new arrivals hated most while alive.

Even as the work on the new arrivals proceeded, Satan ordered the drafting of a communique to God, inquiring as to any forecasted end to the distasteful work of handling and processing Nazi-Hamas personnel, and beseeching the Creator for some respite.

"As You know, even I have a limited capacity for this kind of work," the Devil dictated to a demon. "I cannot and do not refuse to do even an iota of the sacred assignment with which You have entrusted me. But I nevertheless wish to express my dismay and frustration that the darkest, most intense period of my reign here in Hell comes to an end not with the large-scale deaths of Nazis many years ago, but at some unknown future date, when Hamas, its allies, and sponsors finally meet their ends. Please take into consideration my feelings in Your administration of mortal affairs so that the date in question comes sooner, rather than later."

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Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week

by Ali Latdam, Quds News Network

Ramallah, October 5 - The Zionist atrocities continue apace as the world sits silent, this time amid a spate of Talmudic rituals that take the plight of those driven from their homes during the Nakba and make fun of it: the usurpers, in an annual ritual, spend seven days residing in temporary structures instead of regular homes - a direct affront to the millions of stateless Palestinians still waiting for resolution of their situation.

Apologists for the rapist colonialist imperialist pig Zionists will no doubt attempt to claim that the ritual precedes the Nakba - as if anything Zionist could precede the Nakba! The Nakba is the beginning of it all. Nothing calamitous happened before the Nakba! Before the Nakba, Palestine was forever tranquil, fertile, and Islamic, all the way back into time. Any argument otherwise is an attempt to undermine Palestinian indigeneity, an axiom of ultimate truth.

They will also contend that the "Sukkot" festival has nothing to do with mocking Palestinian refugees, but an honest look at the sources demonstrates otherwise: they "commemorate" when they "left Egypt" and "resided in huts" on the way to "Canaan" - itself proof that they are outsiders, and we are the indigenous Canaanites, whom they want to displace and render homeless.

In case that approach of ours falls flat, remember that we, not they, have always lived here, and we are the original Jews, not those Khazar imposters. Yes, that contradicts the above paragraph, but so what? No one has cared yet. The New York Times, Amnesty International, the United Nations - whichever approach undergirds Palestinian virtue and victimhood while depicting Jewish sovereignty as rapacious genocide, they will endorse. We need not worry about the consistency of our arguments.

And those plants they wave during the festival - who can deny that the date palm frond represents the sword with which they seek to displace us? The citron - its yellow hue showing the cowardly Zionist mentality. The myrtle sprig - its leaves resembling eyes that covet Palestinian land. And the willow bush, mouth-shaped to represent the lies of Jewish historic rights to Palestine. Waved all about, mocking the truth - we know what those Talmudic rituals represent, no matter how many times the enemy points out that no such symbolism appears in the Talmud. We know. We've always known. We know better than the Jews who the Jews are and what the Jews want!

For if we allow that Jews can decide what Jews want and what Jewish rituals represent, that opens the door to Jews deciding on their own security and sovereignty, a notion that conflicts with the axiom of Palestinian Islamic supremacy.

But once you begin with the unquestionable premise of Palestinian virtue and Zionist perfidy, the choices are obvious.

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This Palestinian Has Had Her Kidneys Harvested By Israel Six Times (PreOccupied Teritory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Ramallah, October 3 - Nadia Shifa, 30, has felt the abuses and indignities of the Occupation more than most of her compatriots: whereas they all suffer from mobility restrictions and military incursions, she must also deal with the recurring phenomenon of the IDF and other security forces who drug her, kidnap her, and remove her vital organs, each time with fatal consequences.

The mother of five from a village just outside this de facto Palestinian capital city - Palestinians officially claim Jerusalem, Israel's capital, as theirs - has lost count of the number of times Israel has removed her kidneys, lungs, liver, heart, eyes, and even all the skin on her face, plus assorted other irreplaceable bodily tissues, to sell on the international black market.

"Obviously they can't use it themselves because they're not native and not related to the native people here," she observed. "So it can only be for profit. We're talking about Jews, after all. I've died eleven times so far. the international community does nothing. The Jews control the international community, with their banks and media, so we'll get no help. Even the Arab world is too busy to do anything but posture. Which I would do, too, if Israel hadn't taken my spine again."

Nadia's suffering encapsulates the Palestinian narrative: they face rapacious genocide and ethnic cleansing that has reduced their population in the land from over a million in 1948 to only ten million as of last year. "They take everything from us," she lamented with a shake of the head, which Israel took from her last year. "Everything precious and vital, they steal. I want my pancreas back! I've already died from diabetes without it!"

Her travails recall the case of a Gaza man who, several years ago, died six times at the hand of IDF snipers, tanks, drones, and other violent Israeli methods, who loved to regale journalists with the tale, which differed each time he told it, depending on the western media outlet interviewing him.

Human rights NGOs cite Nadia's case in frequent reports on the situation in the Occupied Palestinian Territories. "We need to help her and the millions of others under the oppressive Israeli yoke," acknowledged Omar Bashir of Human Rights Watch. "Nadia is but one of many. I can show you the stories of Palestinians murdered by the millions, genocided so thoroughly that not even forensic scientists have been able to document, locate, or corroborate any of it."

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You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me. by Peter Beinart (PreOccupied Territory)

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You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me.

by Peter Beinart

New York, September 21 - Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is upon us. Many of the religiously devoted have been reciting penitentiary prayers for weeks already, passages that include a repeated litany of sinful attitudes and behaviors that we regret, an alphabetical acrostic that features a gesture of striking the chest over the heart at the mention of each term. I must say, observing my coreligionists recently, and through the years: you hit yourselves far too lightly. I insist on doing it for you.

This has become a worrisome trend. You other Jews feel insufficient guilt about existing, let alone sympathizing with - or, God forbid, actively supporting - Jewish assertions of sovereignty and removal of outside oppression. A good punch or twenty-four, times three, per weekday, ought to help remedy that. It'd be my pleasure.

I know, I know, there's no way I can do it all on my own. Jews who neglect, or refuse, to guilt-punch themselves hard enough far outnumber me. I could never hope to reach all of you without exhausting myself, and even then, I'd fall short. But fear not: I can call upon hundreds, even thousands, of like-minded colleagues, many of whom aren't even Jewish, to assist me in my punch-every-Jew-for-their-own-atonement initiative. Finding enough non-Jews interested in helping uphold that value has never posed a problem.

As the Talmud famously teaches, we encourage people to maintain positive practices even if they undertake those practices for the wrong reasons, because eventually they may begin to do them for the right reasons. Indeed, many, perhaps most, of the volunteers I aim to recruit will not share my specific motivations for this enterprise, but no one can deny the enthusiasm and robust participation they will bring to the job. We can all admire that, and one day, they will engage in the punching for its own sake.

One can even dream that we Jews will (re?)acquire the capacity to punch ourselves hard enough in recognition of our collective guilt for whatever the cultural hegemony deems the greatest sin of the age. All along, I plan to continue my current trajectory of speaking engagements, panel discussions, article royalties, and other income streams born of encouraging my people to surrender any control for their own communal security and safety, not to mention self-determination.

Goodness, those are such triggering, disturbing terms. They fill me with shame and make me want to punch someone!

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Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing

Jerusalem, September 14 - A local shopkeeper confidently insisted today there is no such thing as an item a potential customer recalled seeing elsewhere in the world, the potential customer reported.

Ido Yaakobi, 62, owner and operator of a housewares store in the Mahane Yehuda market, informed a visitor to his shop that no, a silicone tube that uses manual pressure to remove the dried husk from a garlic clove does not exist. He spoke with the assertiveness of a man possessed of the knowledge of all kitchen products, having commanded his position in the area for several decades. Yaakobi made the assertion despite the visitor's insistence, with photos and descriptions on his phone, that such a product can, in fact, be procured elsewhere.

"Ein davar kazzeh," stated Yaakobi. "There's no such thing. Just peel it with your fingers like a normal person."

The customer disclosed that she had grown up in the US using a silicone garlic-peeler for decades, but that argument failed to sway the proprietor. "Obviously I've been mistaken all these years," she conceded. "Perhaps all the manufacturers and vendors of these so-called garlic peelers are, unbeknownst even to themselves, producing and marketing a different product entirely, and are just mislabeling it. I suppose I should have known that it's better to get your fingernails and fingertips stinking of garlic than to use something that gets the job done quickly and cleanly."

Other customers at the store recalled similar experiences. "I'm glad I went there," admitted an immigrant from the UK. "Otherwise I might still be walking around under the misperception that anyone needs silicone- or plastic-tipped tongs that aren't rounded at the ends, but flat, to help separate, for example, potatoes stuck to the bottom of a non-stick roasting pan. I must have imagined seeing such a product before, or even owning one for more than twenty years. I'm glad that guy set me straight by educating me that no such thing exists."

Experts noted that the phenomenon of Israeli shopkeepers interpreting their own awareness deficiency as reflective of objective marketing and manufacturing realities has a long history. "In the early years of the State of Israel, economic struggle and austerity were the order of the day," explained historian Tzena Razzon. "Customers were dependent on sellers for everything, and limited supply meant you couldn't just go elsewhere for a better deal or better quality. Businesses got used to holding all the advantages, and whatever the proprietor said, went, regardless of its relationship to reality. Some businesses haven't let go of that yet."

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