Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: Preoccupied

Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Satan Annoyed At Latest Hamas Arrivals; 'I Thought I Finished With These Bastards In 1945' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Hades, October 18- The infernal official who oversees the postmortem punishment of unrepentant sinners voiced his continued exasperation today upon the registration of a new batch of Palestinian terrorists that Israeli forces killed over the last several days, as he lamented his mistaken assumption that he had already completed handling of Nazis in large numbers almost eighty years ago, and was not pleased to discover them still operating on Earth.

The Devil told numerous demons today for at least the fifth time in the last twenty-four hours that he had had quite enough of Nazis as of 1945 already, and that the incoming waves of their ideological successors in the form of Hamas terrorists and their abettors have reopened a chapter in the history of Perdition that the Prince of Darkness would rather leave behind.

"These guys again?" Satan was heard to remark. "I thought I was finished with groups of them when the Second World War ended. But they keep showing up here all these decades later. You have to be kidding me."

Denizens of the netherworld recalled an upset Lucifer telephoning the LORD for clarification, then slamming down the receiver when the Almighty informed him of the ongoing Hamas-Israel conflict.

"Bastards," he whispered. "Goddamn bastards."

The Devil shook his head clear. "Time to get to work," he barked at various minions, who began shoveling burning feces into every orifice of the terrified ex-Hamas operatives, as their own little-girl shrieks of horror and pain were played back in their ears at 130 decibels and all their humiliating moments shown on big screens, to the delighted jeers of demons who looked exactly like the people the new arrivals hated most while alive.

Even as the work on the new arrivals proceeded, Satan ordered the drafting of a communique to God, inquiring as to any forecasted end to the distasteful work of handling and processing Nazi-Hamas personnel, and beseeching the Creator for some respite.

"As You know, even I have a limited capacity for this kind of work," the Devil dictated to a demon. "I cannot and do not refuse to do even an iota of the sacred assignment with which You have entrusted me. But I nevertheless wish to express my dismay and frustration that the darkest, most intense period of my reign here in Hell comes to an end not with the large-scale deaths of Nazis many years ago, but at some unknown future date, when Hamas, its allies, and sponsors finally meet their ends. Please take into consideration my feelings in Your administration of mortal affairs so that the date in question comes sooner, rather than later."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
Check out their Facebook page.

Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week

by Ali Latdam, Quds News Network

Ramallah, October 5 - The Zionist atrocities continue apace as the world sits silent, this time amid a spate of Talmudic rituals that take the plight of those driven from their homes during the Nakba and make fun of it: the usurpers, in an annual ritual, spend seven days residing in temporary structures instead of regular homes - a direct affront to the millions of stateless Palestinians still waiting for resolution of their situation.

Apologists for the rapist colonialist imperialist pig Zionists will no doubt attempt to claim that the ritual precedes the Nakba - as if anything Zionist could precede the Nakba! The Nakba is the beginning of it all. Nothing calamitous happened before the Nakba! Before the Nakba, Palestine was forever tranquil, fertile, and Islamic, all the way back into time. Any argument otherwise is an attempt to undermine Palestinian indigeneity, an axiom of ultimate truth.

They will also contend that the "Sukkot" festival has nothing to do with mocking Palestinian refugees, but an honest look at the sources demonstrates otherwise: they "commemorate" when they "left Egypt" and "resided in huts" on the way to "Canaan" - itself proof that they are outsiders, and we are the indigenous Canaanites, whom they want to displace and render homeless.

In case that approach of ours falls flat, remember that we, not they, have always lived here, and we are the original Jews, not those Khazar imposters. Yes, that contradicts the above paragraph, but so what? No one has cared yet. The New York Times, Amnesty International, the United Nations - whichever approach undergirds Palestinian virtue and victimhood while depicting Jewish sovereignty as rapacious genocide, they will endorse. We need not worry about the consistency of our arguments.

And those plants they wave during the festival - who can deny that the date palm frond represents the sword with which they seek to displace us? The citron - its yellow hue showing the cowardly Zionist mentality. The myrtle sprig - its leaves resembling eyes that covet Palestinian land. And the willow bush, mouth-shaped to represent the lies of Jewish historic rights to Palestine. Waved all about, mocking the truth - we know what those Talmudic rituals represent, no matter how many times the enemy points out that no such symbolism appears in the Talmud. We know. We've always known. We know better than the Jews who the Jews are and what the Jews want!

For if we allow that Jews can decide what Jews want and what Jewish rituals represent, that opens the door to Jews deciding on their own security and sovereignty, a notion that conflicts with the axiom of Palestinian Islamic supremacy.

But once you begin with the unquestionable premise of Palestinian virtue and Zionist perfidy, the choices are obvious.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

This Palestinian Has Had Her Kidneys Harvested By Israel Six Times (PreOccupied Teritory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Ramallah, October 3 - Nadia Shifa, 30, has felt the abuses and indignities of the Occupation more than most of her compatriots: whereas they all suffer from mobility restrictions and military incursions, she must also deal with the recurring phenomenon of the IDF and other security forces who drug her, kidnap her, and remove her vital organs, each time with fatal consequences.

The mother of five from a village just outside this de facto Palestinian capital city - Palestinians officially claim Jerusalem, Israel's capital, as theirs - has lost count of the number of times Israel has removed her kidneys, lungs, liver, heart, eyes, and even all the skin on her face, plus assorted other irreplaceable bodily tissues, to sell on the international black market.

"Obviously they can't use it themselves because they're not native and not related to the native people here," she observed. "So it can only be for profit. We're talking about Jews, after all. I've died eleven times so far. the international community does nothing. The Jews control the international community, with their banks and media, so we'll get no help. Even the Arab world is too busy to do anything but posture. Which I would do, too, if Israel hadn't taken my spine again."

Nadia's suffering encapsulates the Palestinian narrative: they face rapacious genocide and ethnic cleansing that has reduced their population in the land from over a million in 1948 to only ten million as of last year. "They take everything from us," she lamented with a shake of the head, which Israel took from her last year. "Everything precious and vital, they steal. I want my pancreas back! I've already died from diabetes without it!"

Her travails recall the case of a Gaza man who, several years ago, died six times at the hand of IDF snipers, tanks, drones, and other violent Israeli methods, who loved to regale journalists with the tale, which differed each time he told it, depending on the western media outlet interviewing him.

Human rights NGOs cite Nadia's case in frequent reports on the situation in the Occupied Palestinian Territories. "We need to help her and the millions of others under the oppressive Israeli yoke," acknowledged Omar Bashir of Human Rights Watch. "Nadia is but one of many. I can show you the stories of Palestinians murdered by the millions, genocided so thoroughly that not even forensic scientists have been able to document, locate, or corroborate any of it."

Please support our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me. by Peter Beinart (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me.

by Peter Beinart

New York, September 21 - Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is upon us. Many of the religiously devoted have been reciting penitentiary prayers for weeks already, passages that include a repeated litany of sinful attitudes and behaviors that we regret, an alphabetical acrostic that features a gesture of striking the chest over the heart at the mention of each term. I must say, observing my coreligionists recently, and through the years: you hit yourselves far too lightly. I insist on doing it for you.

This has become a worrisome trend. You other Jews feel insufficient guilt about existing, let alone sympathizing with - or, God forbid, actively supporting - Jewish assertions of sovereignty and removal of outside oppression. A good punch or twenty-four, times three, per weekday, ought to help remedy that. It'd be my pleasure.

I know, I know, there's no way I can do it all on my own. Jews who neglect, or refuse, to guilt-punch themselves hard enough far outnumber me. I could never hope to reach all of you without exhausting myself, and even then, I'd fall short. But fear not: I can call upon hundreds, even thousands, of like-minded colleagues, many of whom aren't even Jewish, to assist me in my punch-every-Jew-for-their-own-atonement initiative. Finding enough non-Jews interested in helping uphold that value has never posed a problem.

As the Talmud famously teaches, we encourage people to maintain positive practices even if they undertake those practices for the wrong reasons, because eventually they may begin to do them for the right reasons. Indeed, many, perhaps most, of the volunteers I aim to recruit will not share my specific motivations for this enterprise, but no one can deny the enthusiasm and robust participation they will bring to the job. We can all admire that, and one day, they will engage in the punching for its own sake.

One can even dream that we Jews will (re?)acquire the capacity to punch ourselves hard enough in recognition of our collective guilt for whatever the cultural hegemony deems the greatest sin of the age. All along, I plan to continue my current trajectory of speaking engagements, panel discussions, article royalties, and other income streams born of encouraging my people to surrender any control for their own communal security and safety, not to mention self-determination.

Goodness, those are such triggering, disturbing terms. They fill me with shame and make me want to punch someone!

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing

Jerusalem, September 14 - A local shopkeeper confidently insisted today there is no such thing as an item a potential customer recalled seeing elsewhere in the world, the potential customer reported.

Ido Yaakobi, 62, owner and operator of a housewares store in the Mahane Yehuda market, informed a visitor to his shop that no, a silicone tube that uses manual pressure to remove the dried husk from a garlic clove does not exist. He spoke with the assertiveness of a man possessed of the knowledge of all kitchen products, having commanded his position in the area for several decades. Yaakobi made the assertion despite the visitor's insistence, with photos and descriptions on his phone, that such a product can, in fact, be procured elsewhere.

"Ein davar kazzeh," stated Yaakobi. "There's no such thing. Just peel it with your fingers like a normal person."

The customer disclosed that she had grown up in the US using a silicone garlic-peeler for decades, but that argument failed to sway the proprietor. "Obviously I've been mistaken all these years," she conceded. "Perhaps all the manufacturers and vendors of these so-called garlic peelers are, unbeknownst even to themselves, producing and marketing a different product entirely, and are just mislabeling it. I suppose I should have known that it's better to get your fingernails and fingertips stinking of garlic than to use something that gets the job done quickly and cleanly."

Other customers at the store recalled similar experiences. "I'm glad I went there," admitted an immigrant from the UK. "Otherwise I might still be walking around under the misperception that anyone needs silicone- or plastic-tipped tongs that aren't rounded at the ends, but flat, to help separate, for example, potatoes stuck to the bottom of a non-stick roasting pan. I must have imagined seeing such a product before, or even owning one for more than twenty years. I'm glad that guy set me straight by educating me that no such thing exists."

Experts noted that the phenomenon of Israeli shopkeepers interpreting their own awareness deficiency as reflective of objective marketing and manufacturing realities has a long history. "In the early years of the State of Israel, economic struggle and austerity were the order of the day," explained historian Tzena Razzon. "Customers were dependent on sellers for everything, and limited supply meant you couldn't just go elsewhere for a better deal or better quality. Businesses got used to holding all the advantages, and whatever the proprietor said, went, regardless of its relationship to reality. Some businesses haven't let go of that yet."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Bill: Have Children Run Knesset While School Out; Improved Functioning Expected (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Jerusalem, September 7 - Late summer has long proved a challenge to Israeli parents, as during the latter half of August, few, if any, camp options exist for children, and school does not resume until the first of September. A new legislative proposal aims to change that, and experts believe it would also make the parliament more efficient, effective, and competent: send the kids to the plenum and committee sessions to conduct the regular affairs of the lawmaking body.

A parental rights lobbying group urged Members of Knesset - currently on recess until after the Jewish holiday season ends in October - to adopt the proposal, which calls for childcare responsibilities to be transferred to the legislators so that parents can maintain a normal working schedule and not be forced to take precious vacation days or to forfeit wages and job security for not working. The move, the group argues, will allow the productive people in Israeli society to maintain their productivity, while giving the unproductive politicians something productive to do.

"The late August vacation is a relic of a more socialist age in Israeli society," explained Dvir Shoham, chairman of the HELP Coalition, which advocates for "sane policy" and the removal of undue hardship for parents. "Mandated vacation, which is what many of us face for our children, and sometimes ourselves as well, is bad for families' solvency, bad for the economy, and bad for those ill-prepared or ill-equipped to handle non-stop childcare duties for the entire period."

"Politicians need to step up and do something useful for once," he continued. "That's why we need this bill. We can all send our children to the Knesset, or even to the local or city council, where the children will conduct the everyday business of those bodies, and the children will do at least as good a job of it as the elected 'leaders.'"

Analysts agreed with the last point, but observed that it all but guarantees the proposal's failure. "No politician in his or her right mind will endorse a scheme that demonstrates his or her uselessness as a politician." noted commentator Ben Caspit, "Well, other than being in office. That always seems to bring out the uselessness in public figure."

"On the other hand," he added, "since a voluble chunk of progressive culture insists on the affirmation of anything anybody but a white heterosexual male says, including 'affirming' the 'expressed' gender preferences of single-digit children, this would be the logical extension of such a view. Put the children in charge. At the very least, they couldn't perform any worse than the current crew."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Bibi Foes, Supporters Doing Bang-Up Job Of Religion/Ideology Use As Pretext For Power (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Tel Aviv, August 24 - Heavenly sources remarked today that the current issue most at the forefront of Israeli politics provides an excellent example of the exploitation of faith and principles either to seize or to maintain control, a phenomenon against which the ancient prophets railed at every turn.

Proponents and opponents of the judicial reform efforts that the government of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu have pursued this year provide a textbook case, stated Archangel Michael this morning, of people who seek power, or seek to increase or hold on to their power, by invoking the values of a religious tradition or a political ideology - when in fact neither the ideology nor the religion represent what motivates the leadership of any such faction; the "values" serve only as a tool to convince the masses to support the faction's favored policies.

"The notion that even a king must remain subject to higher values already appears in the book of Deuteronomy," Michael observed. "He must write and always carry a Torah scroll, to remind him that he represents something greater, and that his and his dynasty's wearing of the crown is contingent on adherence to that greater system."

"That sensibility continues into the later prophets," continued Michael. "Isaiah and Jeremiah, in particular, spilled much ink calling out the exploitation of civil and religious authority by kings, nobles, false prophets, and the wealthy, even as the latter set kept citing exalted principles to justify the practices and policies that kept them on top, or helped them oust others. Lo and behold, Netanyahu values retaining his premiership over any ideological or religious principles he might invoke to support that; his opposition has attempted for years and years to wield every political issue as a weapon to dislodge him and to supplant him - only to govern more or less as he did when they got the chance."

"It's the claims of 'defending democracy' for me," added Archangel Gabriel. "That's basically the declared religion of so many, but each faction or leader defines the term in a self-serving way, whether it's exploiting populism and 'the will of the people' to attain political ends or appealing to unelected justices' self-arrogated power to undermine the express will of the people. It exactly mirrors idolatry, which is, in practice, the worship of power."

"Humans like to think they've grown past such primitive notions," chuckled Uriel, with a shake of the head. "The classic truths are eternal truths for a reason."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Wait, Is It 'Israel = The Nazis' Or 'Nazis Didn't Do The Holocaust'? (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Wait, Is It 'Israel = The Nazis' Or 'Nazis Didn't Do The Holocaust'?

by Owen Fairchild, Jeremy Corbyn acolyte

London, August 17 - We anti-Zionists who are definitely not antisemites often face a dilemma when formulating our rhetoric regarding Israel's treatment of Palestinians: when we invoke the Third Reich and its treatment of Jews, we want everyone to view today's Zionist Jews as turning into the Third Reich, but that means conceding the comprehensive, historic evil of the Reich's genocidal machine - which in turn contradicts the insistence prevalent in our circles - and widespread in Palestinian society - that the Reich perpetrated a genocide against Jews, because any acknowledgement of Jewish suffering clouds the picture we wish to paint of absolute Jewish perfidy and evil, contrasted with absolute Palestinian innocence and virtue. You see the dilemma.

Allowing that Jews might deserve protection from Nazis opens the way toward allowing that a Jewish State, where Jews can protect themselves and not rely on the whims of host cultures to do so, might have justification. We cannot allow that, because it implies sympathy for Jews and the implication that Jews have rights - Jewish rights necessarily contradict Palestinian rights. To further that point we must portray Jews and Nazis as congruent, which in turn allows that the Nazis were the greatest evil known to history, but that, problematically, concedes that the Nazis did what the Jews claim the Nazis did to the Jews, and that automatically establishes that Jew suffered and need protection.

To put it another way, Holocaust denial, which enjoys a robust adherence in both pro-Jeremy and pro-Palestine circles (yes, the Venn diagram of those two groups would be a circle within a circle), softens the impact of the "Israelis are the new Nazis" charge, because if the Nazis didn't systematically kill all those Jews, then why were the Nazis so bad, or at least, why are they any worse than any other conquering or totalitarian force?

Unfortunately, we try to have it both ways; fortunately, the sympathetic Western media elite seldom call us out on the inconsistency. We have been fortunate enough to have them carry the two parts of our message, which more more less amounts to "The Nazis didn't do to the Jews what the Jews accuse them of doing, but we very much wish they had and are looking for any pretext to accomplish that in the Nazis' stead."

I know that putting it in those terms sounds wrong somehow, but we can count on our friends in politics, journalism, commentary, and the "human rights" community to phrase it more palatable, even virtuous, terms, à la "From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Report: Environmental Terrorism OK When Palestinians Do It (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Hermesh, August 10 - A consortium of ecological-activism organizations released a study this week containing what many scientists consider a surprising finding: that when Palestinian rioters loft incendiary balloons or kites from the Gaza Strip that land in Israel and ignite brush fires, or when Palestinians directly start brush or forest fires near Jewish communities and cities, that has no observable effect on carbon emissions, biodiversity, the water supply, climate change, or other important phenomena at the center of global ecology activism.

The journal Justice, Indigeneity, Health, And Diversity (JIHAD) ran an article in the August 6 issue highlighting the peculiarities of Palestinian use of arson to resist Zionism, in which the authors asserted several counterintuitive data points: that the use of such fire, which has destroyed hundreds of acres of brush and woodland in Israel, along with unknown quantities of fauna, represents an authentic indigenous technique to combat the invader, presumably in this case foxes, jackals, hyraxes, several species of fallow deer, and hoopoe birds; that atmospheric pollution only counts when produced by Western countries, a hypothesis raised by other scientists in the context of China, but whose mechanism remains poorly understood; and that Palestinian arson produces potential ecological benefits, such as reduction of overpopulation, specifically of Jews, a problem that has plagued Palestinians and their allies since the 1930's.

"Our research found that Palestinian brush fires aimed at Israelis do not follow the typical 'rules,' if you will, of the wildfire phenomenon elsewhere," the article stated. "Whereas almost anywhere else, we seek to identify the cause of, mitigate, and prevent fires through efforts to reduce the climate change and the anthropogenic factors that contribute to it, in the case of Palestine, the opposite approach is indicated."

"Palestinians should be lighting more fires, burning more tires, sending more incendiary devices into Israeli kindergartens via kites and helium balloon," the authors urged. "Those measures will not only reinforce the embattled, endangered indigenous ways of knowing and resisting, which we know are of utmost importance in maintaining human diversity, but will, in fact, reduce carbon emissions, lower sea levels, bring back extinct species, replenish atmospheric ozone, dissolve the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, eliminate oceanic microplastics, increase worldwide recycling, filter out dioxins from the air, clear up pollutants from ground water, and render human energy production fully renewable by 2040."

"OK, maybe not all of those things, but they are more likely than a Palestinian state."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Iranians Circumspect About Lack Of Media Coverage Of Continuous Protest: 'We're Not Palestinian' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Tehran, August 3 - Nearly a year of demonstrations by ordinary citizens against the repressive policies of the Ayatollah Khamenei regime have faded in the international news consciousness, but have not abated - and the people who continue to defy the totalitarian national leadership nevertheless understand why journalists have lost interest in the popular unrest: the opponents of the demonstrators are not Jews, and therefore, unlike Palestinians, cannot anyone to continue caring after all this time.

Dozens of protests occurred across Iran just over the last week, yet garnered next to no coverage in mainstream western journalism outlets. The movement began - or, many would argue, began again - last September following the killing of Mahsa Amini, arrested for refusing to wear the mandatory head-covering for women. The sustained protest movement has proved more robust and irrepressible than several previous rounds of civil unrest in Iran, dating back to 2009. Journalists have elected to reduce their reporting on the protests, which now barely register in the Western consciousness, if at all, as a result. After all, Iranians aren't Palestinians, whose hundred-year campaign to deny Jews sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland, affecting far fewer people than the Iran situation, deserves sustained, permanent attention in Western headlines.

"We know, we're not Palestinians, whose suffering actually matters," acknowledged Siraj Ganejad, 24, as he evaded blows from a Basij militia thug. "But we have to fight our fight even if Joe Biden wants to support the dictator Khamenei and allow him to threaten the world with nuclear weapons. We accepted our third-rate victim status long ago. We will never be invited to address the UN wearing a sidearm, as Arafat was."

"I wouldn't expect organizations such as Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International to pay us more than token attention," explained Masih Shirazi, as she was tackled by four enforcement personnel and bundled into a van, bleeding and battered, for the crime of waling around in public without the compulsory hijab. "Sure, we'll make it as a footnote, or part of a statistic in some aggregate report, but not with the bombast or brouhaha that those NGOs can always muster for Israel. Their funding sources and activists aren't interested in the depredations of Iran's leaders, because Iran's leaders aren't Jews. We know we'll always be a footnote to the real struggle, which is of course Justice for Palestine."

A spokesman for The New York Times responded to an inquiry on the subject with surprise that the protests are still happening in Iran.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Driver Honks To Urge Car In Front To Get Stuck At Next Red Sooner (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Jerusalem, July 27 - A motorist on one of the city's busiest arteries signaled to the vehicle operator ahead of him to proceed swiftly, now that the red signal at the intersection had turned green, to help ensure that both automobiles reach the next intersection in less time, and spend the time saved waiting for that light to change, as well.

Gadi Yitzhaki, 50, driving a black Skoda Octavia, honked at the Honda Accord in front of him on Ben-Tzvi Boulevard early this afternoon, and in doing so communicated the importance of accelerating at once, to get stuck sooner at the following traffic light.

"Time is a precious resource," he explained to his passenger. "And other people's time is even more precious. You have permission to use your own time as you please, but not other people's time. That means doing everything you can not to waste other people's time. You can't just wait after the light turns green, not even a little. It's not your time to decide what to do with. People need to get places, and you're in the way. You have a responsibility."

The driver in front of Yitzhaki appeared to understand the message. She released her brake and proceeded apace toward the next red light, where both cars, among others, sat for a further 40 seconds before that light, as well, turned green. This time, however, Yitzhaki had maneuvered to the the lead position in the adjacent lane, and was able to start moving again without waiting for others.

To do so, Yitzhaki sped up to overtake the Honda and reach the next intersection a full 3.8 seconds before the other car, where both waited. He voiced satisfaction at his time efficiency.

"Not everyone knows how to maximize resources," he boasted. "I pride myself on not wasting seconds between tasks. That's where so many people lose track, don't understand 'where the time has gone.' It just takes a second or two to knock you off track if you're not focused on keeping things going as they should. I've worked for a long time to shave off those seconds between tasks, and it keeps my efficiency at its peak."

Yitzhaki then launched into a diatribe against cyclists who "think they own the road and should show more respect, especially for drivers going much faster," at least two of whom made it from the previous traffic light to this current one in time to wait in front of his Skoda.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

If We're To Genocide The Palestinians, What's With All The Free Medical Care? (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

If We're To Genocide The Palestinians, What's With All The Free Medical Care?

by Dr. Tzvi Bar-Giora, Department Chief, Obstetrics, Hadassah - Ein Kerem University Medical Center

Jerusalem, July 20 - Thank you for attending this meeting today, ladies and gentlemen. I realize I called it on short notice, and I don not intend to keep you from your duties and commitments any longer than necessary. But a critical issue has come up for this hospital, and we must address it in a fundamental and thorough way: if Zionism aims to exterminate the Palestinians, why has this Zionist institution provided life-saving and life-improving treatment to any and all Palestinians who come through our doors - and why do we continue to do so?

This crucial question gets to the very core of our mission as the bearers of the legacy of Henrietta Szold herself. Ms. Szold dedicated her life to health care in the incipient Zionist state. We, her spiritual and professional heirs, are charged with maintaining and expanding her life's work. Yet every single day, multiple times a day, each of us gives care to Palestinians, often without demanding payment - I ask you, how does that square with the genocide we are supposedly perpetrating as a people against the Palestinians?

I will grant that the genocide has not, by any statistical or factual measure, been a success. Perhaps a million Arabs lived in this land before the establishment of Israel. They have multiplied by a factor of at least seven, and the body count for this conflict in the last eighty or so years hasn't even cracked six figures. We are definitely going about genocide wrong.

That is an important point you just made, Professor Levy. As Jews we know all too well what the pursuit of genocide looks like. Some of our own parents or other relatives witnessed it firsthand, swallowing up their families and communities during the Holocaust. You would think just from observation, we might learn a thing or two about how it's done! But no: not only do we not have execution pits, gas chambers, cattle cars, mass starvation, work-to-death camps, or local collaborators happy to do the massacring, raping, and pillaging for us, we give our putative victims immunizations, blood transfusions, antibiotics, corrective surgery, rehabilitative regimens.... Thank you for pointing that out, professor, as it highlights the absurd failures of this entire endeavor.

I am beginning to think, my friends, that we are not, nor have we ever been, serious about this genocide thing.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!

Effort To Drive Jews Into Sea Refocuses On Hacking Waze To Point Toward Mediterranean (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Gaza City, July 13 - Gradual abandonment of a hundred years of Arab campaigns to dislodge Jews from their ancestral homeland has produced numerous far-reaching effects, such as stagnation for those who continue to reject the Jewish State, widespread Arab reconciliation with Israel, and promising new vistas of cooperation in regional trade, defense, and scientific endeavors - as well as, at least among hardline Palestinians, the realization that they must adapt their pursuit hitherto of propelling those Jews into the sea as promised in 1948 to more realistic methods, with the latest possibility involving a security breach of a popular driving-directions app to trick Israelis into driving themselves into the sea.

Israel's growing military prowess, coupled with Arab-Palestinian incompetence, corruption, and infighting, long ago rendered toothless the threat from its neighbors to "drive the Jews into the sea," a battle cry that carried more credibility and valence when the nascent Israel found itself outnumbered, out-equipped, and outgunned. Two armed Palestinian uprisings in the last forty years, plus other sporadic waves of terrorism, have similarly failed to make a dent in, let alone reverse, the sturdiness and prosperity of Israel.

Despite dogged adherence to the rejectionist approach - to admit error or defeat is to invite unbearable shame - Palestinian strategists have made attempts to adjust their methods: car ramming attacks; stabbing sprees; rockets - but the growth and success of Israel in the face of - and some argue because of - such violence has prompted a reassessment of direct violence as an effective means to achieve driving the Jews into the sea. Instead, those strategists have developed the beginnings of a newer method that leverages Israelis' reliance on Waze to guide them toward their automotive destinations.

Now bought out by tech giant Google, Waze began as an Israeli startup; the poetry of the history is not lost on the proposal's proponents. They hope to engage the assistance and technical knowledge of the Islamic Republic of Iran in bankrolling and developing a hack that will reprogram Israeli Waze users' devices to cause all the vehicle operators to drive into the sea on their own - finally fulfilling the 1948 promise of Arab leaders that they and all of Israel's enemies ever since have repeatedly failed to approach fulfilling.

"We just need to find the right way to fool users," boasted program initiator Fashla Fadiha. "But it shouldn't be a problem. We've been inside Israelis' heads forever, always knowing exactly how they'll react to our moves and our intimidation, which is why we've been so successful at resistance until now."

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!