Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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digital-clock
Rosh HaAyin, November 23 - Examination of recent legislation to limit the amplification on the Muslim call to prayer during early morning hours has revealed that nowhere in the language of the proposed law is there treatment of the alarm clock of your neighbor who lets the goddamn thing ring over and over again each morning before finally getting out of bed and deactivating it, and that is totally f'ed up.

Legal experts conducting a review of multiple versions of the bill concluded that it contains no reference to that low-life and his inconsiderate practice, and the experts noted that given the douchebag mentality that underlies the alarm clock phenomenon, they are at a loss to explain how none of the people drafting the legislation even thought to include it.

"It's a goddamn whopper of an oversight," declared Shayna May-Aynei, a jurist from Bar-Ilan University who is overseeing the research. "What, do they not hear the same beep-beep-beep-beep every morning at five-#$&*ing-thirty? What kind of monster does such a thing, and what kind of miscreant condones it? This has to change."

May-Aynei lays partial blame at the feet of the legislators themselves, who tend to live in more spacious accommodations and hear less of the goings-on in neighbors' homes. "You won't hear that jerkwad's alarm from the next building over, through the trees," she seethed. "But let me tell you, for those of us living cheek-by-jowl in certain neighborhoods, this is vastly more urgent than the muezzin."

Some proponents of the so-called muezzin law argue that the use of loudspeakers for the call to prayer is primarily a vehicle for asserting cultural dominance over other religions, and therefore a separate issue from the question of that meathead neglecting the needs of everyone else within earshot, but not everyone accepts the distinction. "It's actually the same phenomenon," contended Aza Ka, a community activist. "Don't think for a minute that this douchebucket with the alarm clock is unaware of the impact of his behavior on everyone around him. He knows. He simply doesn't care. What's more, he's probably enjoying the fact that he can have such an impact on your life, literally by not lifting a finger. It's a power thing. It's exactly the same as the muezzin, just without 1,400 years of religious subjugation of non-Muslims in the background."

At press time the landlord of the residence where the alarm clock has been going off finally signed a contract to rent out the place, which has been vacant for two months. The alarm clock belonged to a previous tenant, who had forgotten to remove it.



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