Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Elder of Ziyon
Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 9 - The leadership of Hamas and Islamic Jihad threatened to "open the gates of Hell" on Israel if the latter continued attacking their fighters launching rockets at Israel, but the chief resident of Hell is not amused, and complains that Hamas is perpetually opening those gates and neglecting to close them after passing through.
"This is at least the fourth time in the last few years that Hamas has opened those gates, but I'll be damned if they've bothered to close them again even once," said Satan this afternoon. "We have countless imps running around, completely unaware that they can fall into the River Styx. Thank God that hasn't happened yet, but our demons already have their hands full with their regular duties and don't need to be neglecting their torture assignments to go rounding up the imps because some terrorists forgot basic manners and put all of the little ones at risk."
He also noted other disruptions that occurred as a result of the open gates. "The temperature down here is calibrated very precisely, and those cold drafts that come in through the open gates play hell with our thermostats," he explained. "I'd expect people who are our natural allies in the mortal realm to take into account our basic needs."
Another minor grievance involves the difference in humidity between the inside of Hell and existence beyond the gates. "When the gates stay open for too long at a time, the humidity in here shifts dramatically, and it messes up Mrs. Satan's hair. You don't want to be in the same chamber as her when that happens."
But most egregious of all, says the Prince of Darkness, are the journalists who come poking around when the gates are carelessly left swinging in the breeze. "We had a reporter here yesterday from TMZ. He just waltzed in and started asking questions about how Michael Jackson is faring here. As if we need the headache. Mind you, this particular correspondent found out pretty darn quickly that freedom of the press is not a concept we respect here."
Lucifer has sent repeated reminders to Hamas that they are expected to close the gates when they use them, but understands that they might not see the urgency of doing so. "What am I going to do, threaten them with Hell? They already live in the Gaza Strip. I can't compete with that."
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