Wednesday, February 10, 2016

  • Wednesday, February 10, 2016
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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wrapped bandageDavis, California, February 10 - A group of activists campaigning for the boycott of, divestiture from, and sanctions against Israel reported to the Health Services Unit at the University of California campus today complaining of shoulder, neck, and upper back pain after an unusually strenuous ritual of patting themselves on the back, a student publication said today. The three activists were diagnosed with strained muscles.

Jasmine Hadid, Anthony Carlisle, and Gretchen Devries, all sophomores in the Sociology department, spent Tuesday afternoon rallying against the inclusion of Jews in several organs of student government, lest their presence imply that the student body condones Israel's policies toward the Palestinians. Holding aloft placards, chanting slogans, threatening Jewish-looking passers-by, and disrupting the proceedings of various student functions, the trio broke for lunch and congratulated themselves on standing up for morality, humanity, openness, freedom, and progressive values. However, they immediately felt pain, and decided to repair to the infirmary.

Medical staff at Health Services asked each of the moral giants to perform simple movements, and determined which muscles were affected by gauging where those movements produced pain. The staff recommended refraining from strenuous activity for several days and suggested an over-the-counter analgesic, but further medical intervention or advice was refused, as such additional treatment ran the risk of benefiting from technology or pharmaceuticals developed in Israel.
"I'd rather suffer this pain than legitimize those Zionist colonizers," declared Hadid, 20, who otherwise seems not to have a problem with Zionist technology in the smartphone she never puts down. "This pain reliever isn't generic, is it? A lot of genetics are made by Zionists," she wondered, examining the label.

"It's really important to show solidarity with the oppressed Palestinians," added Carlisle, 19, wincing as he held his neck at an awkward angle. "That's why we did the right thing and harassed Jews, who are collectively responsible for Palestinian suffering, and for using collective punishment on them."
Devries refused to answer a reporter's questions without vetting him as to his acceptance or rejection of Israel's legitimacy as a state. "I won't talk to anyone who accepts the inherently racist premise that one ethnicity should exclude others in exercising sovereignty," she intoned as if to the room.  "Violating that condition would be a microaggression and a violation of my civil rights. Give Palestinians their own state already. OW! Goddamn it! You! Nurse! Give me some [expletive] medicine! I can't lift my arm to wag my finger self-righteously in this condition!"

At press time, the students were yelling at the clinic's clerical staff not to use their software to keep records of the treatment they provided, software that might have been developed in Israel.

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