Monday, January 29, 2024
Elder of Ziyon
If Palestinians did land acknowledgements...
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Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, January 29, 2024
Thursday, January 25, 2024
Thursday, January 25, 2024
Elder of Ziyon
humor, Preoccupied
I Assure You The Red Cross Is Working As Hard As It Can To Facilitate Terrorism
by Mirjana Spoljaric Egger, president, International Committee of the Red Cross
Unfair accusations have stemmed from the Red Cross's handling of Israelis held hostage in Gaza: that we have neglected to insist on visiting them; that we have cooperated with a terrorist organization; that when some hostages were freed, we served as little more than couriers. Those charges are profoundly insulting to anyone who knows what our organization does, the values it upholds, and how it operates.
To begin with, open criticism of Hamas in a Hamas-controlled area would put our personnel at risk and threaten the crucial functions that the Red Cross plays in Gaza. Without a robust ICRC presence, Hamas might be forced to provide health care for Gaza residents, and that would hamper the group's ability to, and resources toward, killing and torturing Israelis. Imagine how annoyed that would make Hamas! We cannot take that risk.
Thus our refusal to convey medications to hostages in need of it is understandable in context. The same for our silence on the question of hostages being raped or otherwise mistreated. We simply have to take Hamas at their word, since they are known for strict adherence to the truth in medical matters, such as the bombing of the Al-Ahli Hospital and the total absence of Hamas military infrastructure in or under health care facilities.
Also the death toll and classification of every single casualty as a noncombatant, which we all know to be unimpeachable and completely in line with every other urban combat situation in military history. The missiles into Israel are launching themselves!
Israeli sources enjoy no such credibility, as they contradict what everyone knows without checking. This is common knowledge. I cannot believe it requires explaining. It is precisely the attitude we were trying to get across when we told the family of an Israeli held hostage in Gaza, "Don't you feel sympathy for the Palestinians?" Because that it what one says to a suffering, grieving, terrified person.
If they're Jewish.
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Thursday, January 18, 2024
- Thursday, January 18, 2024
- Elder of Ziyon
- humor, Preoccupied
The ministry announced today that the dead from Israeli air, naval, artillery, tank, and infantry fire stands at 2.05 million, compared to the entire Gaza Strip population, last recorded at 2.048 million.
Human rights groups condemned Israel for the ongoing onslaught. "This is a crime against humanity on an unprecedented scale," declared Human Rights Watch. "Never before in the history of warfare has an aggressor killed more noncombatants than there were noncombatants in the targeted area."
A statement by Médecins Sans Frontières sounded a similar tone. "The brutality of Israeli actions against innocent Gazans knows no bounds," it read. "This dark milestone represents an indictment not just of the Israeli military and its political superiors, but of the international community, which has failed repeatedly in the course of this war to stop Israel from its inhuman onslaught."
"What's more," MSF continued, "all of these casualties are children, medical personnel, journalists, and humanitarian aid workers, some of them all of the above."
Experts warned that if the release of Gaza Ministry of Health casualty figures continues at a similar rate, by mid-year the death toll there will exceed the global Palestinian population, estimated at about ten million.
"If Israel keeps bombing Gaza, these numbers are going to keep getting worse," warned Amnesty International. "In fact, in just a few years, if the Israeli assault keeps up, the number of Palestinian dead will top the entire population of Earth. Woe to the generation that stands idly by while such atrocities happen."
The same organizations adopted a circumspect, even skeptical, stance regarding the reports from inside Israel on and after October 7, which documented Palestinian atrocities including mass rape, mutilation, torture, kidnapping, looting, vandalism, arson, mass murder, and other crimes - with some members of the human rights groups adhering to "the IDF killed all those Israelis" and "Hamas treated captives well" fictions long after evidence from Hamas itself debunked them. Any statements by those organizations criticizing the October 7 massacres made sure never to mention Palestinian violence alone, always taking care to denounce, in close proximity to such mentions, Israeli actions aimed at bringing the perpetrators to justice and preventing recurrence.
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Tuesday, January 16, 2024
- Tuesday, January 16, 2024
- Elder of Ziyon
- cartoon of the day, ElderToons, humor, memes
Thursday, January 11, 2024
- Thursday, January 11, 2024
- Elder of Ziyon
- humor, Preoccupied
The Hague, January 11 - The International Criminal Court announced today that it has opened an investigation into a deadly wildebeest incident that killed the king of the lions at Pride Rock and allowed a usurper to seize control of the territory, following evidence that agents acting on behalf of the Jewish State were responsible for the tragedy.
Chief Prosecutor Karim A. A. Khan convened a press conference at the ICC this morning to share details of the impending investigation into the stampede death of Mufasa, which he said now looks more and more like a Mossad operation.
Initial reports of the stampede focused on the possible involvement, possibly unintentional, of the crown prince Simba, last seen in the gorge where the herd of gnus trampled Mufasa to death as the latter attempted to rescue his son from the oncoming horde. Simba fled, leaving Mufasa's brother Scar to take over the pride and ushering in a period of drought and oppression that featured a shaky alliance with the hyenas and widespread discontent among the lions and the larger fauna community in the vicinity. Acting on tips from human rights groups, however, the ICC will probe what Khan called "disturbing indications" that in fact Simba had no culpability in his father's death, and that even Scar, whose resentments gave him motive to bump off his brother, may not be the one behind Mufasa's grisly death, but Israel.
"Given the default status of Israel as responsible for all the ills in the world, this investigation is both proper and necessary," stated Khan. "Our inquiry will examine whether the events surrounding Mufasa's death are consistent with Israeli brutality and criminality, and if so, we will open proceedings to prosecute the decision-makers in Israel's government."
Khan declined to elaborate on the evidentiary requirements that will determine the inquiry's conclusions. Analysts, however, take it as a foregone conclusion that the ICC will move to initiate a full criminal case against Israel - a development that experts say would be fraught with technical and legal complications.
"Israel isn't a signatory to the agreements that give the court its jurisdiction," explained International Law scholar Ken Garucourt. "That has stymied other efforts to seek justice for crimes against Palestinians - I mean 'alleged' crimes," he added, using air quotes and rolling his eyes.
"I'm sure we'll eventually find a way around that," he continued. "The Circle of Life cannot continue if Israel keeps killing everything. And all the animals in the area of Pride Rock are indigenous Palestinians under assault by colonialist, Zionist usurper imperialists. Sure, Scar is an unsavory character, but everyone knows that's of marginal importance for the sake of an alliance against Israel."
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Thursday, January 04, 2024
- Thursday, January 04, 2024
- Elder of Ziyon
- humor, Preoccupied
Kfar 'Aza, January 4 - Scientists have determined that the appropriate units of measurement until narcissistic visitors from abroad begin photographing themselves in flattering poses in front of the locations where two months ago, Palestinian terrorists from the Gaza Strip perpetrated the deadliest and most brutal attack on Jews since the Holocaust, will be months, rather than years or decades.
Observers have noted the much-decried, mostly-teenage phenomenon in which tourists visiting the museum in Poland that marks the site of the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp complex - where Nazis and their collaborators murdered 1.5 million people, mostly Jews - take selfies in irreverent or inappropriate fashion, as if the site were Disneyworld or the Grand Canyon, rather than hallowed ground. Experts now expect the distasteful practice to expand to other sites of mass murder, especially where the victims were mainly Jews.
"The Nazi death camps are established historical sites," noted social psychologist Husana Vabbitch. "The major sites in Poland are state-run museums, with organized programs and facilities and reputations going back decades. The 'Gaza Envelope' where the October 7 massacres took place will take some time to grow into destinations for commemorative visits. Still, it's become the hot thing among politicians, celebrities, and influencers to be seen traipsing around either the NOVA festival venue or one of the affected Envelope communities. Anybody who's anybody has to post images of themselves in helmet and flak jacket, looking concerned or resolved at the carnage Hamas wrought. It's a tiny conceptual and phenomenological leap from there to posing in some other demonstrative way, including duckface or a two-handed 'peace' gesture. I give it a month."
The only reason the narcissistic phenomenon has not already occurred, experts believe, is that the Gaza Envelope remains a closed military zone. Continued missile and mortar bombs threats from the Gaza Strip have emptied even the homes of many survivors of Hamas's murderous, rapacious rampage. Entry to the zone requires IDF approval, and experts assume that restricted access protocols to the area will continue to apply as long as the current IDF ground offensive in the Gaza Strip persists. Israel's official position is that operations will continue until the 130 remaining hostages return to Israel, and until Hamas surrenders its weapons and its control of the territory - which could, in theory, happen tomorrow, but more likely require at least several months to achieve.
Influencers have already begun seeking sponsorships and product promotion arrangements for visits to the Israeli communities adjacent to the Gaza Strip, with an eye toward exploiting the stories of carnage and brutality for online clout.
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Monday, January 01, 2024
- Monday, January 01, 2024
- Elder of Ziyon
- cartoon of the day, ElderToons, humor
Thursday, December 28, 2023
- Thursday, December 28, 2023
- Elder of Ziyon
- humor, Preoccupied
Check out their Facebook page.
Hassan Ayyash, 35, met his temporal end yesterday when attempting to ambush IDF troops in the central Gaza Strip city of Khan Younis. The Hamas fighter jumped out of a tunnel shaft to fire at a passing Israeli patrol, but, unaware that the enemy soldiers had already identified the position, placed himself in their crosshairs and died in a hail of M4 rifle bullets without getting off even a single shot of his own. Ayyash's lifeless body fell to the bottom of the tunnel shaft, knocking down a comrade and breaking his leg. The comrade died moments later when the IDF troops dropped several grenades down the tunnel shaft.
The Hamas-run Gaza Ministry of Health included Ayyash's death in the latest batch of casualty figures, counting him among 255 children it claimed were killed in the last two days of IDF activity in the territory. While his status in those government documents unequivocally appears a "child," the heavenly tribunal that will decide his eternal fate intends to try him as an adult.
"I don't understand," Ayyash, visibly confused, remarked as he awaited trial. "I'm clearly a child. All of the Gaza dead are children. Even the journalists doctors, musicians, and others. There are no combatants on our side, unless our side is bosting of its achievements on and since October 7. But yeah, I'm clearly a child. My government says so!"
Ayyash voiced frustration that Supernal standards of age seem not to dovetail with the standards Hamas and its sympathizers use in addressing international media. "I'm going to be in for a rough time if the Jews' control of affairs extends even to the afterlife," he acknowledged. "Obviously that can't be. I've been my entire identity and sense of purpose and value around seeing Jews as Allah's enemies. It's unthinkable that my teachers, mentors, and entire society have been that wrong about anything that big. The ultimate shame. And therefore impossible. I'm sure this will all prove to be a big misunderstanding."
Heavenly tribunal sources intimated that Ayyash will soon face revelations about divine, eternal truths that he will find most unpleasant.
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Thursday, December 21, 2023
- Thursday, December 21, 2023
- Elder of Ziyon
- 2023 Gaza, hamas, humor, Preoccupied
Check out their Facebook page.
Shuja'iya, December 22 - Dozens of Gaza Strip militants who surrendered to Israeli forces recent weeks have received offers from lingerie marketers to display the products on their ample, curvy bodies, a spokesman for Israel's prison service disclosed today.
Lt. Col. Adi Poss told reporters that manufacturers and retailers of bras and underwear for the full-figured have contacted the prison service to express interest in using some of the captured Hamas fighters as models, having seen pictures of the men stripped to their underwear as a security measure, and thus displaying portions of the body well-suited to flattering presentation of the intimate apparel products.
"At least six companies shave expressed interest," noted Lt. Col. Poss. "The feasibility of any arrangement remains open to question, given the uncertainty of these men's futures. Will they still be in captivity when arrangements are finally made? Can modeling the bras take place within the prison? It's definitely possible, but obviously not a priority for us tight now."
A representative of Victoria's Secret volunteered that her company seeks to ascertain the practicality of using the well-fed captive Hamas personnel as models. "What first caught our attention was that they were obviously not unfamiliar with a good meal or two," recalled the Vice President for Marketing, Ella Stick. "Victoria's Secret switched back to more traditionally-shaped models last year, but we acknowledge the buying power of those whose bodies do not match the perfection on display in our advertising. VS still aims to signal to the full-figured woman that our products suit her, and the shapes of the men captured by Israel during the fighting would meet those requirements nicely."
She added that the presence of so many well-fed people in the photos caught executives by surprise. "We were told Gaza was running out of food, but that's clearly not the case," she stated. "That's what made the images all the more striking. Perhaps under other circumstances we wouldn't have given a second glance at the man-boobs on display, but notice them we did. I'm thinking with the specimens in the photos, we can find models for almost every size we manufacture."
Another company that declined at this stage to be identified revealed that it already has a formal name for the marketing initiative, the Al Moob Project. Lt. Col. Poss offered assurances that enough "big-boned" Hamas fighters remain available for all the interested companies.
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Thursday, December 14, 2023
- Thursday, December 14, 2023
- Elder of Ziyon
- humor, Preoccupied
Check out their Facebook page.
Bill T. F. Sharry, an aide to the Republican lawmaker, told reporters at the Capitol this morning that Thomas Massie (R-KY) decided to put his money where his mouth was, and, after tweeting a meme that claimed Congress was rejecting patriotism in favor of Zionism, realized he must show consistency on the matter of his place of birth vs. the place he was elected to represent in DC.
"The Congressman is a man of principles, and if principles call for him to oppose foreign interests superseding American interests, then consistency demands that he also foreswear any loyalties to a different state from the one he now serves," Sharry explained. He neglected to explain how the Congressman believes Zionism contradicts American patriotism.
"Up yours, West Virginia," he added. "None of your pernicious influence will ever again penetrate Kentucky."
Sharry also called on other members of Congress, in both houses, to follow Massie's lead, and formally disconnect themselves from any former states of residence, as a hedge against dual loyalties.
"Too many of our representatives and senators hail from states where they lived before getting elected to Congress to represent their present states of residence," he continued. "[Republican Senator from Texas] Ted Cruz was born in Canada, which I'm told isn't even part of this country. Has he renounced loyalty to that foreign regime to the north? Or will we one day face a crisis in which Mr. Cruz has to choose between American interests and the interests of people whose idea of a good time is the so-called sport of curling? All elected officials, and all appointed or hired ones, for that matter, should renounce loyalty to any other state or locale, at once."
Some critics opined that Massie's move remains insufficient. "He got a degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology," charged commentator Mike Cernovich. "We all know New England, the Boston area in particular, is a hotbed of degenerate liberal ideology and immorality. Massie spent years there, on and off. Now we're supposed to just trust that none of that craziness rubbed off on him, that he has no compromising sympathies for them? No one's impressed if you disavow West Virginia. West Virginians want to disavow West Virginia. It's a cesspool. No, I take it back, that's unfair to cesspools."
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