Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: Preoccupied

Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, March 06, 2025

Awkward: High Schoolers Show Up In Same Slutty Purim Costume (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Modiin, March 6 - Embarrassment and recriminations echoed through the hallways of the Hannah Szenes Academy today when a pair of seniors arrived within minutes of each other, both clad in a skimpy getup technically evoking Princess Jasmine from the 1992 Disney film Aladdin but in practice serving as an excuse to show much more skin than necessary, eyewitnesses reported.

Bar Shimoni and Tal Fogel, both 17, came to school this morning just before nine wearing the same revealing costume to mark the upcoming Purim holiday, and a shouting match ensued that almost escalated to blows, bystanders recalled. Each had intended to sashay through the school as Jasmine, only sluttier, and thereby to command both the attention of almost all the males in the building and the envy of almost all the females - only to find their respective schemes had failed, not just because of their no-longer-unique getup, but also because other girls had found equally-slutty interpretations of nearly every other profession, character, or costume concept.

Those who saw and heard the encounter between the two Jasmines recalled much screaming and gesticulating, but no specific words, other than individual slurs such as "sharmuta" (Arabic for "slut" or "whore") and "kalba" (Hebrew for "bitch"), among others; the tumult and the acoustics of the school hallways rendered any coherence impossible.

Principal Avner Golan and several faculty members managed to separate and restrain the warring students, with the assistance of their classmates. "That was the most unbecoming display I've seen since last year under almost-identical circumstances," he recalled. "Last year it was slutty nurse- no, that was the year before. Last year was cavewomen."

Principal Golan has considered banning Purim Costume Day, but always faces an uproar from students and parents. The tradition of wearing a disguise for Purim - which will occur this year on Friday, March 14 - dates back at lest to the fourteenth century, and echoes both Queen Esther hiding her national origins and the "hidden hand" of God in the story; unlike every other Biblical work, none of the names of God appear at all in Esther, indicating a transition from open miracles and prophecy to a more grown-up, post-Biblical mode in which perception of the divine becomes a choice, not an imposed reality. The practice of donning Purim costumes persisted even in non-religious milieus such as this one, where, inevitably, the values of secular culture became manifest in the form of overt sexuality.

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Hamas Vows To Rebuild Clothing Store Named 'Hitler' (PreOccupied Territory)

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Hamas Vows To Rebuild Clothing Store Named 'Hitler'

Gaza City, February 27 - The owner of a now-destroyed garment sales enterprise named after the most notorious, genocidal dictator of all time announced today he had secured funding from the Islamist group that governs this territory, to reestablish the shop, which will carry the numeral "3" after the fascist leader's name instead of the "2" in the previous incarnation of the business.

Nidal Radwan, owner of the now-rubble "Hitler 2" clothing store in this city before the current war, sent messages to friends, business contacts, and former customers today, to the effect that Hamas will help pay to rebuild the store. He credited the organization with committing to provide more than $75,000 to make Hitler 3 a reality. A spokesman for Hamas "Liked" one of the posts announcing the project on social media, and another commented that the movement has chosen Hitler 3 as one of its flagship reconstruction tasks.

Hitler 2 met a dusty, violent end last year during the IDF's ground operations in Gaza to locate hostages and smash Hamas's fighting ability in the territory. The cause of the destruction remains uncertain: Israeli airstrike, Israeli artillery, house-to-house fighting, or booby-traps could each serve as plausible explanations. All the areas in which the IDF fought were crisscrossed with Hamas tunnels and bunkers, making all the structures above them likely targets.

Reconstruction of Gaza remains an uncertain and contentious issue, as does its future governance. Israel failed to dislodge Hamas from its position as the ruling entity, but powerful international interests have stated they will not accept that situation for long. Various governments have voiced hesitation to fund building in Gaza again if it will all get demolished in yet another war several years hence - Hamas has repeatedly insisted it will attack Israel again and again, making destructive retaliation an inevitability. Partly to cement its position as the only credible Gaza governance option, the organization has begun to assert itself in the role by announcing several reconstruction initiatives to which it wants to call attention, among them Radwan's Hitler store.

"These projects showcase the priorities of the Resistance in rehabilitating Gaza," explained a movement spokesman. "Of course we will rebuild facilities and positions of military significance. But the morale dimension also requires attention. Rebuilding Hitler - as many times as necessary - is a statement that the enemy cannot defeat us, that our movement is anchored in history, and that we cannot be deterred from continuing Hitler's work."

"But those mannequins were butt-ugly," he added, "and we will insist that Mr. Radwan not use them this time."

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Queers For Palestine Insist Will Be Just Fine In Gaza, Once Trump Empties It (PreOccupied Territory)

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Queers For Palestine Insist Will Be Just Fine In Gaza, Once Trump Empties It

New York, February 20 - Activists in a sexual-identity movement that attempts to ally disparate, even clashing, causes in progressive politics assured the public today that, contrary to accusations of hypocrisy from critics, they fully intend to spend time in areas now under Hamas rule, where, contrary to the assertions of those critics, they expect to come to no harm, because they will time their visit to those areas for after the homophobic and transphobic population has been cleared out under the US president's proposal.

Leo Schumaker, a Queers for Palestine spokesperson, lambasted defenders of Israel this morning and those who question the organization's choice to support the Palestinians, a society that oppresses and even murders homosexuals and other sexual "deviants." "Zionists distort the reality," he argued. "We are perfectly willing to go to Gaza, and we will be just fine. As long as we do so once the Palestinians there have left."

Schumaker further charged this critics of his movement engaged in dishonest argument. "They say Hamas would throw us off buildings if we went to Gaza," he claimed. "But now there aren't so many buildings in Gaza, so that's not a significant risk. If I fight for Palestinians because they need liberation, that won't harm me even if, if liberated, they would torture and kill me, because I don't intend to be there when they're liberated. Only once they've left, which, of all people, Donald Trump might make happen. It's a queer world, but it's the one we inhabit."

"Our critics are the hypocrites," he added. "They claim to be worried about 2LGBTQIA+but are actually only interested in bashing Palestinian aspirations. That's totally different from Palestinians using us as tools to advance their agenda in the West while not supporting our struggle at all."

QFP activists appeared unbothered at the suggestion that removal of Palestinians from the Gaza Strip might constitute ethnic cleansing. "Palestinians have to leave Palestinian areas all the time if they're gay or transgender," observed Maddie Holden, a chapter coordinator. "They go to Tel Aviv, where they can live and even thrive. What's a few more million Palestinians leaving for a better life? They can come to the US, where we welcome everyone - well, until Trump cut down on migration. Such a homophobic thing to do."

"As for those who fled to Tel Aviv to get away from that..." Holden shrugged. "You can't make an omelet without throwing some eggs off buildings."

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Community Puzzled Over Lack Of Tunnels, Arms Storage Space In Plans For Rebuilt Gaza Mosque (PreOccupied Territory)

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Community Puzzled Over Lack Of Tunnels, Arms Storage Space In Plans For Rebuilt Gaza Mosque

Jabalia, February 13 - Residents of this rubble-strewn area returning to it after months of fighting between Israel and Hamas voiced surprise and confusion today upon discovering that a blueprint to reconstruct their house of worship contains none of the familiar features of such a facility, such as underground passages for fighters, or places to keep weapons - not even anywhere to hold hostages.

Some of the last bouts of military confrontation between IDF soldiers and - primarily - guerrillas from Hamas in this northern Gaza Strip city before a ceasefire took effect last month resulted in widespread destruction of buildings and infrastructure, almost all of which contained or concealed some target of military value. Many of the buildings that did not have Hamas positions or stockpiles nevertheless were festooned with booby traps laid against Israeli troops attempting to take positions there. Residents finally allowed back into the erstwhile combat zone began to salvage their possessions, assess the damage, and make plans to rebuild - but found themselves in shock at the first drawings to show such rebuilding: the Sheikh Marwan Mosque, leveled in December when Hamas fighters blew it up in an attempt to kill IDF soldiers they thought were inside, will contain only prayer, classroom, office, toilet, and rudimentary kitchen facilities, without the tunnels, weapons-caching, and hostage-storing units that everyone had assumed were an integral element of a mosque.

"I don't get it," remarked Faisal Masri, 49. "Who drew up these plans? They must be incomplete."

"Where's the tunnel system access?" wondered Shuruq Fadi, 48. "Every mosque has that. Every building, in fact. This will never get past any official approvals."

The puzzlement spread beyond those returning to the immediate vicinity of the mosque-to-be. "That can't be," stated Imam Aifuq Kamel, whose Anas Baqar Mosque, or what remains of it, lies about half a kilometer away. "I know the Imam of that mosque - well, he was killed in a bombing, with about seven fighters, so technically I 'knew' him - and he would never serve in a building without at least a hiding place to keep captive Jews. It's basic. I find it hard to believe this is an actual building plan. It's not credible."

Officials from Hamas, which still governs the territory of the Gaza Strip, were unavailable for comment. A relative of one mid-level operative disclosed that final decisions and approvals on reconstruction might not be issued for months, if ever, in light of the prospect of renewed fighting, and the possibility that Trump might prompt large-scale departure of the area's residents to greener, or at least less rubble-strewn, pastures.

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El Salvador OK Taking Violent US Criminals, But Palestinian ‘Refugees’ A Hard NO (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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El Salvador OK Taking Violent US Criminals, But Palestinian ‘Refugees’ A Hard NO

San Salvador, February 6 - The president of an up-and-coming Central American country clarified today that while he may be willing to contract with the Trump administration to imprison US residents convicted of various brutal felonies, such an arrangement cannot and will not apply to anyone fleeing the Gaza Strip, because those people are far too dangerous, a spokesman for Nayib Bukele disclosed today.

"The president has made clear his openness to working with the United States to incarcerate violent criminals," stated presidential aide Delito Violento. "President Bukele's dramatic success in crime reduction through strict enforcement and harsh penalties has driven crime way down in this country. We would be thrilled to partner with President Trump to work toward similar results in the US, which would benefit the entire region."

"The thing is," continue Violento, "not all criminals are the same. In the US, as in El Salvador, indeed, in almost all remotely civilized countries, crime, however rampant, does not form part of the ethos of the culture, of the society. The non-criminals, and even most of the criminals, understand the problematic nature of their behavior, powerless as they may feel to change it. Not so for Palestinians, certainly not Palestinians in Gaza. They live, breathe, glorify, and sanctify violence. We cannot take any of them. It would destroy El Salvador."

Bukele's unwillingness to accept Palestinians desperate to flee war-ravaged Gaza stems from the same opposition to it as every other country: no one wants to absorb a population steeped in radicalism, hatred, and violence as the answer to life's problems.

"El Salvador is hardly unique in this respect," observed political commentator Mehdi Hassan. "Muslims and Arabs make a lot of noise about loving and supporting Palestinians. Even if it were true a hundred years ago, it's definitely not true now. It's more about hating Jews and Israel than it is about helping or liking Palestinians. They're leeches. Crybullies. Entitled. Spoiled beyond belief. Not to mention a destabilizing force wherever they live, in Gaza or anywhere. El Salvador isn't staking out some bold new position at odds with global sentiment. They're giving us the consensus view, just not dressed up in the language of the conflict with Israel."

Aides to US President Donald Trump indicated that whether or not the El Salvador proposal works out - it might violate Constitutional law, according to some experts - the new administration has begun to weigh shipping the violent criminals to Gaza itself, which would raise the moral level of the territory by a significant margin.

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Leftists Hoping Barriers To Kahanist Candidates Better Than Barriers With Gaza (PreOccupied Territory)

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Leftists Hoping Barriers To Kahanist Candidates Better Than Barriers With Gaza

Tel Aviv, January 30 - Voters and politicians concerned about the sharp rise in popularity since October 7, 2023 for the policies and rhetoric of a party banned in the 1980's over its advocacy of transferring hostile Arabs out of areas that threaten Israeli communities continued to express their anxieties this week regarding the robustness of the protective measures intended to maintain that ban, given the failures before and on October 7 of other protective measures intended to keep murderous Palestinians out of Israel - failures that led directly to the surging popularity of that banned party's positions.

The Central Elections Committee barred Rabbi Meir Kahane's "Kach" Party from 1988 parliamentary elections over the group's racism. Though Kahane was assassinated in New York in 1990, his followers continued to advocate for removal of Arabs - on either side of the 1949 Armistice Lines - who refuse to accept Israel. Some followers resorted to violence, resulting in a legal ban on the existence of their groups in the 1990's. However, now that the State's defense mechanisms proved inadequate to keep 6,000 Gaza Palestinians from invading southern Israel on Simḥat Torah 2023 on a murder, rape, pillage, torture, looting, vandalism, and kidnapping spree that left 1200 dead, political opponents of Kahane's spiritual heirs worry that the State's defenses against Kahanist parties will prove similarly inadequate, and that would be even worse.

"We must avert unprecedented disaster, but I can only hope the protective measures are robust enough," acknowledged MK Yair Golan of The Democrats Party. "We all trusted the measures we had in place on October 7, though. And look what happened."

"It's not even like it as a bunch of right-wingers or settlers who got killed or hurt," he continued. "That would be bad, yes, mainly because it would generate sympathy for them among voters, but not as bad as it in fact turned out to be: the victims were mainly people who would vote for me and my political allies! Those are precious few, and we can't afford to lose any and fall below the electoral threshold again. Especially since the right-wingers outbreed us by a significant margin. But if the anti-Kahane safeguards fail as well? We're in for REAL trouble."

His colleague Meirav Michaeli elaborated. "We can tolerate when right-wing Jews get harmed, because they deserve it," she explained. "But if Arabs have to suffer? Inconceivable. What is the Jewish State for, if not to sacrifice Jewish lives for Arab security?"

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"I Can’t Believe I Ate Those Bears’ Porridge – They’re Zionists!" by Goldilocks (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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I Can’t Believe I Ate Those Bears’ Porridge – They’re Zionists! by Goldilocks

Tewkesbury, January 23 - This is so embarrassing. I must do better. It turns out the home I sneaked into the other day when I was tired and hungry, and where I ate and rested, was occupied not by just any ursines, but ursines who want to genocide the Palestinians and establish a Jewish ethnostate! I cannot believe I platformed them like that.

I could make excuses, as some do, when they fail to adhere in any meaningful way to the Boycott, Divest, Sanction principles. We see it all the time with technology and pharmaceuticals. But I refuse to compromise on this. Well, except for technology and pharmaceuticals, without which you would not be reading this. My point is, I will own up to not doing due diligence on the political leanings of the home occupants - excuse me, occupiers, not occupants, since it's Zionists we're talking about - and resolve to take greater care going forward not to legitimize Zionists even inadvertently by sharing space with them.

My colleagues have asked whether there were any indications in the house itself that the bears held Zionist ideology. I must confess I recall nothing that aroused suspicion. In retrospect, perhaps that should have raised a red flag, because Zionists work extra hard to portray themselves as normal, even good. See: pinkwashing, or participation in international sporting competitions. But I was probably too hungry and tired to notice.

The chairs of various hardness and softness gave no sign of having been violently taken from indigenous Palestinians. Sure, hindsight now tells me I should have understood the metaphor of assuming I was "entering an empty house" like no one lived there, and treating it as my own. I get the analogy. But it's not intuitive if you're not already thinking that way. I have to do better and think that way all the time. Stay angry.

And the porridge! You'd think porridge is porridge. But I've since been told that indigenous Palestinian porridge is different from the swill that Zionists now claim as their own, whether it's too hot, too cold, or just right.

This is neither here nor there, but someone should look into the hows and whys of a family of bears leaving their porridge on the table long enough for a little girl to spend a good bit of time in the house and only then begin tasting the gruel, yet each serving of porridge remains in its paradigmatic state of too hot, too cold, and just right, respectively, the entire time.

Anyway, I'm glad I got out of there when I did.

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