Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: Preoccupied

Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, May 04, 2023

Arab MK Tried To Smuggle Chocolate Wafer To Hunger Striking Terrorist (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Jerusalem, May 4 - An legislator whose supporters seek the dissolution of Israel as a Jewish state boasted today that before Palestinian Islamic Jihad figure Khader Adnan died this past Tuesday in an Israeli prison hospital, the lawmaker made an attempt to sneak into the detainee's possession a snack known for its status among Palestinians as not counting if eaten during a declared hunger strike.

MK Walid Taha of the Balad Party told confidants Thursday that on one of several visits, he sought to provide the hunger-striking Adnan with a supply of Tortit - a green-wrapped, chocolate-coated wafer that rise to prominence when a cell camera captured a Palestinian terrorist, Marwan Barghouti, surreptitiously devouring one during a hunger strike he had declared in 2017. Advocates rose to Barghouti's defense at the time, refusing to concede that he had violated his commitment - and thus generating precedent for other hunger-striking Palestinian prisoners to adopt similar behavior.

In the end, Taha, recalled, he decided at the last minute not to deliver the wafers because he remained unsure whether the adamant Islamist Adnan would accept Israeli products. "I know Palestinians themselves love Israeli products and buy them all the time," he acknowledged, "but a public figure like Khaled - it wouldn't do to have that awkwardness in the air. So I settled for only encouraging him verbally to continue to kill himself for Palestine."

Adnan died while awaiting trial for incitement to terrorism and membership in a terrorist group. His activities before imprisonment included calling on Palestinians to become suicide bombers against Israeli civilians, and promoting an ideology that demands submission to Islam on pain of death. Taha took advantage of his parliamentary immunity to conduct the visits.

Other Palestine advocates expressed puzzlement that Adnan did not himself resort to the Tortit gambit. "It's possible he really was prepared to die," conceded Omar Shakir of Human Rights Watch. "Weird, but plausible. Also not consistent with every other aspect of Palestine activism, which has always prioritized image and rhetoric over integrity. Palestinian leaders are expected to encourage others to suffer and die while the leadership lives large and takes no personal risks. So excuse my surprise."

Taha declined to say what he did with the Tortit, since no Israelis, even the hundreds of thousands below the poverty line, will admit to eating the mediocre-at-best snack. Experts surmised that Prison Services purchases the bulk of Tortit production from its manufacturer, Elite.

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Zionist Colonialists In Palestine Take Land For Home Country Of... Poland? Russia? Hungary? ...Morocco? (PreOccupied Territory)

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B'er Sheva, April 27 - The foreign transplants exploiting the land of Palestine on behalf of the regimes from which they or their ancestors hail continue to rape the land of its resources and persecute the native population for purposes of extracting everything they can for the benefit of those home countries, which is what colonialists do, except that hold on a moment, this part of the paragraph is supposed to complete the thought that Israeli Jews are part of a colonial outpost for their ancestral countries, but that means Israel is a colony of Russia, Poland, maybe Germany? Half of Israel's Jews have ancestry that spent centuries in the Islamic world, so maybe Iran? Algeria? Help a reporter out here. The Czech Republic?

Pro-Palestine activists continued this week, in the shadow of Israel's seventy-fifth Independence Day, to describe the establishment of a sovereign Jewish entity in the land that Jews have claimed as their home despite ancient exile as yet another manifestation of Western imperialism with indigenous people of color as the victims, all as part of an oppressive enterprise to take advantage of the people and resources of Palestine for hold on, this is making less and less sense. The mighty kingdom of Rumania? Tzarist Russia? the politically-nonexistent Poland of the nineteenth century, partitioned by Russia, Prussia, and Austria, from which tens of thousands of Jews emigrated to Palestine during the first decades of the Zionist movement?

Anyway, the activists leveled their familiar accusations at Israel for constituting a foreign entity sucking the goodness out of the land for the sake of the foreign home country where they really belong, which presumably means Iraq? Yemen? The reporter did not get a chance to follow up with the activists by the filing deadline, and therefore a coherent answer, if any, will occur only in the next day's edition of this publication, at the earliest. Tunisia? Kurdistan? Turkey?

Turkey makes a little bit of sense, at least, analysts say, considering that Ottoman Turks controlled Palestine for more than four hundred years until the British ousted them in 1917, but modern political Zionism began when the Turks were still in control, and no "Palestinian" Arabs, or at least no anti-Zionists, at the time, called those migrants "colonists." Maybe the Hapsburgs? Romanovs? Hohenzollerns?

Sophists of various sorts have attempted as well to expand the use of the term "colonialism" to cover influence by foreign powers of minimal representation among the colonist demographic, such as the US, but no coherent description has emerged as to how that differs from any dynamic of international relations, regardless of the ancestry of the people running the country.

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Gozer Begs Enlil Not To Be Sent As Marshmallow Man To Israel On Lag BaOmer (PreOccupied Territory)

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Nippur, Sumeria, April 20 - A Mesopotamian deity known as "The Destructor" beseeched his superior in the pantheon to remain away from the Jewish State despite a mission tasking him with a visit there this coming May 8-9, having discovered what happens across the country to the constituent material of the god's "Traveler" form on the corresponding Hebrew date every year.

Supernal witnesses described a fearful, contrite, yet determined Gozer the Gozerian pleading his case again today before Enlil, who sits atop the Sumerian divine assemblage. Gozer assumed his Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man form for the encounter, to drive home the danger to him at time when every open space in Israel is expected to feature multiple bonfires, some large enough to reduce the god's entire physical essence to gooey, caramelized deliciousness.

"My Lord," implored Gozer, "I must importune His Divine Supremacy to reschedule the visit to the of the land of Canaan. His Excellency no doubt can see that the inhabitants of that barbaric locale have a festival during which it has become customary to build enormous fires and roast marshmallows. Venturing into such an environment on that day will pose a serious hazard to the success of my mission, and I humbly request to postpone or suspend it until the flames subside."

Gozer referred to the festival of Lag BaOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer period from Passover to Shavuot. Scattered ancient and medieval Jewish sources discuss the significance of the day; over the centuries it has evolved into a celebration, using fire as a sign of spiritual and intellectual illumination, of the reestablishment of Torah education following the devastation of losing an entire generation of scholars during the second century CE.

Without the religious overtones, secular Israelis have embraced Lag BaOmer as a cultural phenomenon and an expression of pride at the final show of robust Jewish military prowess and resistance - the Bar Kokhba Revolt - before the reassertion of Jewish sovereignty in the land in the twentieth century, and therefore more in line with Zionist sensibilities regarding independence, assertive national pride, and self-defense that they contrasted with the "typical" Diaspora submissiveness of Jews in the intervening millennia.

Enlil appeared unmoved by Gozer's petition. "You show unbecoming weakness," the elder god declared. "If you cannot complete this mission, I will assign it to someone more worthy. Summon 'Uggatg'bhina, the god of cheesecake, and tell him I expect him to visit Canaan on the twenty-sixth of May!"

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Peaceful Israeli Demonstrations Confuse Palestinians (PreOccupied Territory)

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Tel Aviv, March 30 - Weeks of protests against the Israeli government's proposal to overhaul the country's judicial system have left their neighbors baffled, especially the ones under the rule of Fatah and Hamas, with specific lack of comprehension regarding the absence or near-absence of violence at the numerous well-attended rallies.

Palestinians across the political and demographic spectrum voiced their bewilderment today after repeated, vehement demonstrations against the proposal resulted yesterday in Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu announcing the postponement of the process until at least June, with negotiations to take place in the interim over what changes, if any, to make to the plan. The lack of vehicular assaults, stabbings, Molotov cocktails, shootings, firebomb balloons, stones, bricks, and other features of Palestinian protests has left that group wondering how the Israeli protesters managed to achieve results without resorting to any of those familiar tactics.

"Am I missing something?" wondered Nimr Halabi of Nablus. "With no violent unrest, there's no hope for change. That's just how I know it works. Our entire society is based on that assumption. So I think what's really happening is either it's all a big show and it's all fake, with the Jews manipulating everyone into thinking that's what happened, without violence, or, and I think this one's a little more likely, the Jews control all the media, and the media simply didn't show the violence that we know had to happen, because without violence there's no political change. There was political change, ergo, violence preceded it, and probably happens afterwards, too, but the Zionist-controlled media won't show it."

"There are usually individual clips that come out even with the Jewish control though," argued Fatima Qawasme of Hebron. "And I don't mean the ones that come from other places that our supporters relabel as 'Palestine' to make Israel look evil. I mean there's no such thing as one hundred percent media control, or we'd never know that there's Jewish control of the media. But there's nothing in this case. It's scary to think, if what we're seeing is the whole story, that change is possible without killing people - that change is possible without killing some Jews. That would undermine everything we live and die for here."

Palestinian leaders in both the Gaza Strip and the West Bank took pains to assure the Palestinian public that in their case, any change of leadership would require violence, and would lead to violence in the aftermath of any such change.

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Palestinian History Museum: Roman Conquest Bad, Arab Conquest Good (PreOccupied Territory)

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Ramallah, March 23 - Staff at an institution dedicated to displaying indigenous artifacts of the Arab people of this part of the Levant struggled again today to articulate the difference in tone the exhibits take toward two different periods in which a colonizing foreign entity swept through the land and imposed hegemony on its inhabitants, with periods prior to the seventh century and after the nineteenth portrayed in frightful terms, while those in between are characterized in neutral, benign, or glorious terms, a discrepancy that curators and docents have grappled with unsuccessfully since the venue opened to guests several years ago.

The Palestinian History Museum in the de facto Palestinian capital has long faced an uphill campaign to collect and present artifacts consistent with the premise of Palestinian Arab indigeneity. Spokesmen for the institution have at various times accused Zionists of destroying or fabricating evidence, only to become stymied in the face of Arab pronouncements from previous ages that assume as a matter of fact, for example, that Jews were sovereign here long before Arabs imposing Islam arrived in the first half of the eighth century CE. A prominent instance of the phenomenon involves a guide to the Haram al-Sharif - the compound housing the Dome of Rock and the Al-Aqsa Mosque - by the Islamic Waqf itself - stating the established fact that the site held both ancient Jewish temples.

"The Islamic expansion into Palestine brought peace and prosperity," the staff and exhibit notes insist, with similar effusive treatment of Seljuk, Mameluk, Ottoman, and other brutal conquests by repressive rulers under the banner of Islam. "Byzantine corruption and repression caused untold suffering," on the other hand, depicts a population in torment under regimes that followed anything but Islam, with special venom reserved for Jews reasserting their claim to the land.

Museum officials changed the subject when visitors asked, in the context of their insistence that Palestinians have lived in the land since long before Judaism existed, about the pride with which so many Palestinians boast of their Arabian Bedouin heritage and ancestry, their nomadic ancestors having migrated into the land in the last several centuries. "You misunderstand," they argued, but preferred to point to shiny new artifacts rather than clarify the misunderstanding.

"Look, we just got this in," they rushed to interject. "It's a collection of arrowheads from the Seleucid campaign in the mid-second-century BCE."

"Whom were they fighting?" asked a visitor.

"Next exhibit!" the docent yelled. "We really have to get through, we're running out of time."

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Son Of Synagogue Of Satan President Always Gets To Lead Dark Hymns (PreOccupied Territory)

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New York, March 16 - Members of a notorious assembly that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan denounces with regularity voiced their frustration, especially among the younger set, that their organization's executive displays nepotism in ritual matters, favoring the offspring of prominent officials in the assembly for ritual stewardship tasks during Luciferian services.

Synagogue of Satan attendees complained in private this week that their own children get passed over every week in favor of the synagogue president's son when it comes to leading the medieval hymns to the Devil at the end of the service, among other instances of unfairness.

"His voice isn't even that good," insisted the child of one congregant. "But the gabbai either wants to kiss up to Mr. Rothchild or is simply afraid to assume it's OK to ask someone different to do the chanting. I could do such a better job with 'O Unholy One Who Darkens the Sun'. And he always uses the same stupid tune, when you could totally mix things up."

The few exceptions to the phenomenon over the last several years occurred when wealthy guests attended with children or grandchildren of their own, congregants recalled. "[Sheldon] Adelson brought some grandkids the last few times he was here, and you can bet the most tone-deaf of the little pishers got to lead," spat another member. "The only other non-Rothschild in the last ten years to do the call-and-response chanting of 'Master of the World, Master of the Netherworld' was related to Steven Spielberg."

Observers noted that the phenomenon only occurs with the portions at the end of the service that customarily feature children and are not a core liturgical element of the formal, weekly, goy-child-sacrifice practice that ensures continued Jewish control of culture, finance, and history. The serious, real-world nature of that rite, they explained, demands adults-only participation - though in Jewish practice, "adult" includes girls ages twelve and up, boys from age thirteen. The busy financial and political lives of the synagogue's membership necessitate diverse participation amid numerous possible scheduling conflicts.

Members with the grievance acknowledged that they find the issue a minor insult, but if it increases or persists too long, the training of the next generation in Dark Rituals will suffer from the monopolized policy. None of the congregants who spoke for this article indicated they anticipate any group splitting from the Synagogue of Satan over to worship a different Satan.

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Unsold Purim Costumes Repackaged As Passover 'Cereal' (PreOccupied Territory)

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mullet wig Jerusalem, March 12 - What becomes of the racks and racks of masks, wigs, cloaks, and other mass-produced paraphernalia that no one bought, but occupies valuable display space in the stores? More and more in recent years, the all-plastic products wind up bleached, shredded, dyed, and marketed again, this time as kosher-for-Passover breakfast cereal, according to several store proprietors.

Sunday morning saw employees at MaxStock in downtown Jerusalem continuing to remove hundreds of Purim costumes and costume pieces from the shelves and racks of the discount retail chain, now that the festival of Purim has concluded and the market for such items will wane until late winter next year. But rather than stow the products in storage until then, dispose of them, or attempt to return them to suppliers in China, several years ago a group of vendors realized that some people become so obsessed with finding Passover-compatible equivalents to their everyday foods that they will buy anything, no matter how repulsive, marketed in the appropriate niche - leading those vendors to a joint venture that processes the unsold costumes into colored flakes that they can sell as "Passover Flakes" that enough desperate consumers will buy.

"I don't know why it took us so many years to have that epiphany," recalled one manager. "I don't know if it's a function of our society just getting wealthier or what, but folks are willing to spend good money so on Passover they can badly replicate the food experiences they have during the rest of the year. Heaven forfend they adapt their cuisine for a week! But hey, if they're willing to pay for products of questionable edibility, I'm willing to provide those products. Sometimes all we have to do is add sugar."

The products in question obtain certification as kosher-for-Passover with relative ease. The restrictions for the festival require that products contain no grain component, lest it came into contact with water and became "leavened" under Jewish law. Various communities have adopted further stringencies involving other ingredients similar in appearance or use to those grains as a safety measure. The complete lack of food ingredients makes Rabbinate certification as kosher-for-Passover a formality.

Industry sources indicated that so far, Purim costumes have become breakfast cereal, snack crackers, imitation pretzels, and croutons for soup or salad. A small team of retailers has also formed a task force to explore other products stupid consumers will pay to acquire as substitutes for things they could simply go without for a few days, such as popcorn and chocolate-coated wafers.

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Ancient, Historic Palestine Magically Never Exceeded 1916 Borders (PreOccupied Territory)

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Sykes-Picot Jerusalem, February 23 - Since time immemorial, the indigenous people of Palestine have lived in their native land, bound on the west by the Mediterranean Sea and to the north, east, and south by frontiers established by the British and French in the waning days of the First World War, beyond which Palestine never existed.

Ancient texts and modern lore speak of a bucolic Palestine that saw conquest after conquest, its native population anchored to the land through thick and thin and defining themselves as the children of it, so thoroughly that the term "Palestine" never passed their lips. From the Biblical era to the premodern, as empires and administrative boundaries shifted, and as populations migrated, never did a parcel of land beyond the lines drawn by Sykes and Picot answer to the term "Palestine," except for the eastern two thirds of the British Mandate for Palestine that became the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and thus retroactively disqualified from the descriptor "Palestine" back into history.

The cultural, demographic, and ethnic spectrum that characterizes modern-day Lebanon, Syria, Egypt, and Jordan seldom shifted in any appreciable way upon traversing the 1916 borders of Palestine; the Levantine cuisine, religions, mores, and customs of Palestine have defied, for millennia, outsiders' attempts to impose nomenclature and geographic definitions, except for the British and French at the end of World War I and their respective defeat of the Ottomans establishing the ancient border between Palestine and Lebanon at the point where the British and French zones met, and except for the Ottomans not considering "Palestine" an entity at all, since the term featured primarily in European Christian use since Roman times.

Ancient Palestinians inhabited the south of country as defined by the 1949 armistice lines between Israel and Egypt and between Israel and Jordan; if they existed, ancient sources would speak of the strong blood, commercial, and cultural ties between the Palestinians of south Palestine and their healthy relations with the inhabitants of Jordan, established in the 1920's, to the east, and Egypt, sovereign since 1946, to the west. Many Palestinians in the Gaza Strip boast of ancestry and family in Egypt, which controlled the Strip from 1949 to 1967, during which time the Palestinians of the Gaza Strip never felt the need to assert their belonging to Palestine, so secure was their identity as Palestinian.

Palestinian scholars speak with similar reverence of the holy Islamic shrines in Jerusalem, which as recently as the 1920's they touted as undoubtedly built on the same site as the Temple of Solomon, that famous Palestinian ruler.

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Wordle A Convenient, Discreet Way For Elders Of Zion To Send Operational Orders (PreOccupied Territory)

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New York, February 9 - Wordle, Quordle, Spelling Bee - for the vast majority of players, these and other games provide a few minutes of brain-stimulating fun; for a select few, they carry important coded messages to agents from the shadowy Jewish council that manipulates world affairs for the benefit of the Jewish collective.

Tens of millions of people around the world view such pursuits as an enjoyable diversion: find the five-letter word in as few guesses as possible; form as many words as possible with a given set of letters; and so on. Algorithms do exist to select randomly from among the sets of letters or words that conform to the each game's principles - but in the case of the world's most popular such games, their very ubiquity and popularity has made them perfect for the Elders of Zion to reach their thousands of well-placed manipulators, saboteurs, or other agents efficiently without arousing suspicion. In fact, analysts believe, the games themselves only became popular because the Elders desired an additional avenue through which to communicate their daily encrypted instructions.

"The sudden popularity of these games seems like an arbitrary, but still explainable, thing," noted counterespionage expert Alex Jones. "Nobody really knows what makes a thing take off - well, nobody except the people who have made it their job to control the rest of us and keep us preoccupied and ignorant while they take over the world. To the uninitiated, the winning word in Wordle, or words in Quordle, seem unrelated and innocuous. But anyone who knows how these dark forces operate can tell you it's never that simple and never, ever, that innocent. Each word conveys something important that day to Zionist agents, telling them when, whether, or how to implement the plans for domination they've been developing and pursuing for centuries. Anyone who supports 'the current thing,' be it Ukraine, Black Lives Matter, gun control, immigration reform, combating climate change, COVID vaccines, has no idea they're being manipulated and kept in the dark. Same thing here. These games look like harmless fun, but they're communications from a sinister cabal."

Others in the same field suspect that the apps carrying the games on users' devices contain malware for censorship, behavioral modification, and mind control. "I'd be wary of interacting with a phone or computer in any way that involves use of one's brain," cautioned C. J. Werleman, who often shares his anti-Israel takes on Twitter. "You do that and you open yourself to the machinations of the evil people who want to take over your brain and turn you into a drone who cares only about puberty blockers, Greta, and calling Republicans Hitler. If you do need to use technology, try removing the important components from it that were made in Israel."

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Cat Can't Believe It Wasted Sixth Life On Trying To Cross Betzalel St. (PreOccupied Territory)

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cat Jerusalem, February 16 - A local feline met its grisly demise today on a stretch of wet roadway where drivers often fail to spot the traffic signal in either direction, witnesses reported, causing the animal to regret at once the profligate use of one of its previous remaining incarnations in a fatal effort to reach a part of the neighborhood with more or less the same trash in and around the dumpsters as anywhere else in the country.

The intersection of Bezalel and Nissim Bachar Streets saw ramming death of a feral cat late Thursday morning when the driver of a car barreling westward down Betzalel disregarded or failed to discern a red light and did not spot the animal on its way across the busy road; its mangled carcass adorned the side of the rainy road for some hours afterwards, pending action by the municipality's sanitation department. While awaiting its third-to-last embodiment in a new corporeal entity of fur, claws, and at least one soon-to-be-missing eye, the creature's lifeforce acknowledged the stupidity of trying to cross the Nachlaot neighborhood's hazardous major central artery at its most hazardous transition spot, all for the dubious purpose of finding better scavenging in the trash piles of the north side than of the south.

"OK, that was dumb," the anima admitted. "Really, really dumb."

The cat-soul found the incident its most embarrassing demise yet in the series of six, and eventually nine, lives. The grisly Thursday occurrence topped in its retrospective cringe even the animal's first death, dying at the ignominious hand of an infectious pathogen following an ill-advised confrontation with another feline whose numerous bald spots, scraggly fur, and numerous secretions from various orifices should have served as ample warning against approaching the diseased rival, despite the tantalizing morsel of day-old Moroccan tilapia it was protecting. "In my defense, I was hungry at the time," the now-veteran dead cat remarked. "Not this time. No excuse. Just stupid."

In terms of cringe, the incident even edged out the feline's previous death: being eaten by its mother within a day or two of birth. "Yeah, I'd rather forget that one, too," it conceded. "But at least in that case it wasn't my fault I was too scrawny to appear worth the expenditure of resources."

The intersection in question has proved dangerous to humans as well as cats: its unusual configuration causes eastbound drivers not to notice the stop line before the crosswalk, such that even when the red light is visible - during one stretch of winter it sits squarely in the sun's glare at 7 AM - drivers continue through the crosswalk before deciding to stop at some random point thirty feet on. Westbound, the downward slope of the artery has contributed to many drivers failing to notice the light in that direction, as well.

Municipal workers dismissed concerns over the intersection, noting that both pedestrians and cats need to be culled.

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Palestinian College Student Can't Decide Which Terror Group To Choose As Major (PreOccupied Territory)

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Arab graduation Ramallah, February 2 - A sophomore at Bir Zeit University closing in on the deadline to select a focus for his course of study toward a Bachelor's Degree admitted today he feels too torn to decide among the options available: engineering murder against Jews by joining Hamas; engineering murder against Jews by joining Palestinian Islamic Jihad, engineering murder against Jews by joining Fatah; or engineering murder against Jews by joining one of the smaller, more niche jihadist groups vying for glory in the Resistance against Zionism.

Hamdi Halabi, 19, has already completed most of his core requirements plus a smattering of elective courses, and must now choose a major if he is to complete his degree in time - but the aspiring shahid acknowledged today that he hesitates to commit to any one course of training to kill Jews, for fear that he will regret his choice later when some other path he could have chosen proves more productive and likely to result in his achieving Palestinian immortality through the violent murder of Jews impudent enough to live proudly as sovereign Jews in the ancestral Jewish homeland, an affront that no Palestinian can take lying down.

"I'm having a hard time, weighing the pros and cons of each," he confessed. "The safe bet would be Hamas or Fatah, because they have the established reputations and the most robust resources for training and arms. Fatah, especially, pays you or your family after you conduct an operation to kill Jews. But there's stiff competition to stand out. I'm not a hundred percent confident in my ability to rise above the crowd. That's why I'm also considering one of the less-prominent groups to major in - big fish, small pond, you know the deal."

"It's too bad I'm not allowed to have a double major," he continued. "The rival departments don't like it - even though they try to claim credit for the accomplishments of students or former students from other departments. I can't even choose Fatah, Hamas, or PIJ and a major and one of the smaller organizations as a minor. I know all sorts of collaboration and cross-pollination goes on unofficially. Just not in a way that I can formally join."

Press time saw Halabi weighing the possibility of auditing some Popular Resistance Committee classes in which he couldn't officially enroll as a Hamas major. A friend also warned him that on occasion, students in rival tracks denounce one another to the administration as collaborators or homosexuals, resulting in the accused student getting expelled from the rooftop.

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Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue By Kenneth Roth (PreOccupied Territory)

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Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue

By Kenneth Roth, former Director of Human Rights Watch

Ken Roth New York, January 26 - It's happened again. Just weeks after America's premier educational and research institution bowed to pro-Israel donors and rescinded its offer to me of a position, now my local house of worship has acted in similarly corrupt fashion - it has submitted to a group of Jews opposed to my candidacy to lead the synagogue for the next two years.

This phenomenon of Jews with money and a political agenda silencing critics of their pet Zionist project must end. Nothing in my history or campaign platform for the presidency of Temple Beit Khashoggi suggests that I would perform in a non-exemplary fashion in the position, just as, a few short weeks ago, I was blindsided by Harvard University's decision to back away from its invitation to me, at the behest of those who perceive my criticism of Israel as disqualifying. Disqualifying! Simply because they count my tweets about Israel vs. those about every other country? Because they claim to detect anti-Israel bias in my token, infrequent criticism of Israel's terrorist enemies that I wield as a shield against charges of tendentious reporting and analysis? They even go so far as to accuse me of fomenting antisemitism - what imbecile would associate criticism of Israel with antipathy for Jews, or think that violence against Jews in reaction to criticism of Israel has ever happened?

The same forces are at play at the synagogue, I fear. The board refused to accept my application, citing some obscure, little-invoked bylaw specifying that only members in good standing for at least two consecutive years may stand for the presidency. I only recently paid my membership, having only of late made more permanent living arrangements following my departure from Human Rights Watch. The monied agenda opposed to my activities and goals is behind it, as always, securing that provision in the bylaws long before I thought to run for the office. That is how underhanded and corrupt they are.

I cannot help but sense this is an intentional, vindictive campaign of harassment and persecution because of my staunch position over the years putting Palestinians' predicament at the top of the international human rights agenda, relegating such issues as persecution of LGBT people in the Islamic world, or antisemitic violence unrelated to Israel, to the sidelines, or, when I did invoke them, it was either grudgingly or as a way to make the criticism really about Israel after all. We all know exactly what kind of powerful (((people))) would want to show their displeasure over that.

I will not be deterred. Let's see how much influence they have against my campaign to join the board of the Nation of Islam.

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Ultraconservative Party Pushes To Jam Gaydar (PreOccupied Territory)

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gaydar Jerusalem, January 19 - A far-right element within Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's governing coalition announced today that it will use its power to limit the capacity of homosexual men to accurately judge the orientation of other men, in a move set to spark further controversy over the party's demonstrated hostility toward some liberal ideals of the Western World.

Minister of Public Safety Itamar Ben-G'vir's Otzma Yehudit - "Jewish Power" - Party, which garnered enough votes this past November to play the role of kingmaker in the current Likud-led coalition, told reporters and supporters today that the ministers, deputy ministers, and other elected representatives in the party will use their influence and decisions-making authority to jam gaydar throughout Israel in an effort to curtail what party officials called the "plague of immorality that has infected our nation and undermined its health."

Ben-G'vir vowed to exercise his ministerial authority over law enforcement to pursue the initiative, and to use the government's existential dependence on his party's lawmakers to extract policy concessions on the matter from, for example, Minister of Communications Shlomo Karhi of Likud. "We set the agenda of this government," Ben-G'vir boasted to the group. "It's past time this country had a real right-wing leadership, not the wishy-washy fake right that we've had all these years."

"That means unapologetic Jewish development of the whole land," he continued. "It means unapologetic nurturing of our traditions and our spiritual ethos, whether in terms of incentives for living and working in Judea and Samaria, robust protection from terrorism for Jews in the Jewish state, or discouraging abominable lifestyles that run counter to everything our tradition holds dear. I have already instructed the police and other agencies under my aegis to provide me with a picture of the available technological capabilities necessary to disrupt gaydar, which I assume is similar enough to cellular transmissions that with a few slight tweaks we can implement this policy and protect our society and our children from the spread of that poison."

A group of LGBT activists who have been unlucky in love met the announcement with a shrug. They explained that the measure was unlikely to stymie them any more than reality already does.

Palestinian officials expressed contradictory reactions to the news, vacillating between an instinctive desire to seize upon the prospect of a wedge between Israel and the West, and a competing instinctive desire to demand that Israel provide the technology free to Palestinians, who have always done a much better job of suppressing and repressing homosexuality than Israel ever has.

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