Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: Preoccupied

Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Son Of Synagogue Of Satan President Always Gets To Lead Dark Hymns (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

New York, March 16 - Members of a notorious assembly that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan denounces with regularity voiced their frustration, especially among the younger set, that their organization's executive displays nepotism in ritual matters, favoring the offspring of prominent officials in the assembly for ritual stewardship tasks during Luciferian services.

Synagogue of Satan attendees complained in private this week that their own children get passed over every week in favor of the synagogue president's son when it comes to leading the medieval hymns to the Devil at the end of the service, among other instances of unfairness.

"His voice isn't even that good," insisted the child of one congregant. "But the gabbai either wants to kiss up to Mr. Rothchild or is simply afraid to assume it's OK to ask someone different to do the chanting. I could do such a better job with 'O Unholy One Who Darkens the Sun'. And he always uses the same stupid tune, when you could totally mix things up."

The few exceptions to the phenomenon over the last several years occurred when wealthy guests attended with children or grandchildren of their own, congregants recalled. "[Sheldon] Adelson brought some grandkids the last few times he was here, and you can bet the most tone-deaf of the little pishers got to lead," spat another member. "The only other non-Rothschild in the last ten years to do the call-and-response chanting of 'Master of the World, Master of the Netherworld' was related to Steven Spielberg."

Observers noted that the phenomenon only occurs with the portions at the end of the service that customarily feature children and are not a core liturgical element of the formal, weekly, goy-child-sacrifice practice that ensures continued Jewish control of culture, finance, and history. The serious, real-world nature of that rite, they explained, demands adults-only participation - though in Jewish practice, "adult" includes girls ages twelve and up, boys from age thirteen. The busy financial and political lives of the synagogue's membership necessitate diverse participation amid numerous possible scheduling conflicts.

Members with the grievance acknowledged that they find the issue a minor insult, but if it increases or persists too long, the training of the next generation in Dark Rituals will suffer from the monopolized policy. None of the congregants who spoke for this article indicated they anticipate any group splitting from the Synagogue of Satan over to worship a different Satan.

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Unsold Purim Costumes Repackaged As Passover 'Cereal' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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mullet wig Jerusalem, March 12 - What becomes of the racks and racks of masks, wigs, cloaks, and other mass-produced paraphernalia that no one bought, but occupies valuable display space in the stores? More and more in recent years, the all-plastic products wind up bleached, shredded, dyed, and marketed again, this time as kosher-for-Passover breakfast cereal, according to several store proprietors.

Sunday morning saw employees at MaxStock in downtown Jerusalem continuing to remove hundreds of Purim costumes and costume pieces from the shelves and racks of the discount retail chain, now that the festival of Purim has concluded and the market for such items will wane until late winter next year. But rather than stow the products in storage until then, dispose of them, or attempt to return them to suppliers in China, several years ago a group of vendors realized that some people become so obsessed with finding Passover-compatible equivalents to their everyday foods that they will buy anything, no matter how repulsive, marketed in the appropriate niche - leading those vendors to a joint venture that processes the unsold costumes into colored flakes that they can sell as "Passover Flakes" that enough desperate consumers will buy.

"I don't know why it took us so many years to have that epiphany," recalled one manager. "I don't know if it's a function of our society just getting wealthier or what, but folks are willing to spend good money so on Passover they can badly replicate the food experiences they have during the rest of the year. Heaven forfend they adapt their cuisine for a week! But hey, if they're willing to pay for products of questionable edibility, I'm willing to provide those products. Sometimes all we have to do is add sugar."

The products in question obtain certification as kosher-for-Passover with relative ease. The restrictions for the festival require that products contain no grain component, lest it came into contact with water and became "leavened" under Jewish law. Various communities have adopted further stringencies involving other ingredients similar in appearance or use to those grains as a safety measure. The complete lack of food ingredients makes Rabbinate certification as kosher-for-Passover a formality.

Industry sources indicated that so far, Purim costumes have become breakfast cereal, snack crackers, imitation pretzels, and croutons for soup or salad. A small team of retailers has also formed a task force to explore other products stupid consumers will pay to acquire as substitutes for things they could simply go without for a few days, such as popcorn and chocolate-coated wafers.

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Ancient, Historic Palestine Magically Never Exceeded 1916 Borders (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Sykes-Picot Jerusalem, February 23 - Since time immemorial, the indigenous people of Palestine have lived in their native land, bound on the west by the Mediterranean Sea and to the north, east, and south by frontiers established by the British and French in the waning days of the First World War, beyond which Palestine never existed.

Ancient texts and modern lore speak of a bucolic Palestine that saw conquest after conquest, its native population anchored to the land through thick and thin and defining themselves as the children of it, so thoroughly that the term "Palestine" never passed their lips. From the Biblical era to the premodern, as empires and administrative boundaries shifted, and as populations migrated, never did a parcel of land beyond the lines drawn by Sykes and Picot answer to the term "Palestine," except for the eastern two thirds of the British Mandate for Palestine that became the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and thus retroactively disqualified from the descriptor "Palestine" back into history.

The cultural, demographic, and ethnic spectrum that characterizes modern-day Lebanon, Syria, Egypt, and Jordan seldom shifted in any appreciable way upon traversing the 1916 borders of Palestine; the Levantine cuisine, religions, mores, and customs of Palestine have defied, for millennia, outsiders' attempts to impose nomenclature and geographic definitions, except for the British and French at the end of World War I and their respective defeat of the Ottomans establishing the ancient border between Palestine and Lebanon at the point where the British and French zones met, and except for the Ottomans not considering "Palestine" an entity at all, since the term featured primarily in European Christian use since Roman times.

Ancient Palestinians inhabited the south of country as defined by the 1949 armistice lines between Israel and Egypt and between Israel and Jordan; if they existed, ancient sources would speak of the strong blood, commercial, and cultural ties between the Palestinians of south Palestine and their healthy relations with the inhabitants of Jordan, established in the 1920's, to the east, and Egypt, sovereign since 1946, to the west. Many Palestinians in the Gaza Strip boast of ancestry and family in Egypt, which controlled the Strip from 1949 to 1967, during which time the Palestinians of the Gaza Strip never felt the need to assert their belonging to Palestine, so secure was their identity as Palestinian.

Palestinian scholars speak with similar reverence of the holy Islamic shrines in Jerusalem, which as recently as the 1920's they touted as undoubtedly built on the same site as the Temple of Solomon, that famous Palestinian ruler.

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Wordle A Convenient, Discreet Way For Elders Of Zion To Send Operational Orders (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, February 9 - Wordle, Quordle, Spelling Bee - for the vast majority of players, these and other games provide a few minutes of brain-stimulating fun; for a select few, they carry important coded messages to agents from the shadowy Jewish council that manipulates world affairs for the benefit of the Jewish collective.

Tens of millions of people around the world view such pursuits as an enjoyable diversion: find the five-letter word in as few guesses as possible; form as many words as possible with a given set of letters; and so on. Algorithms do exist to select randomly from among the sets of letters or words that conform to the each game's principles - but in the case of the world's most popular such games, their very ubiquity and popularity has made them perfect for the Elders of Zion to reach their thousands of well-placed manipulators, saboteurs, or other agents efficiently without arousing suspicion. In fact, analysts believe, the games themselves only became popular because the Elders desired an additional avenue through which to communicate their daily encrypted instructions.

"The sudden popularity of these games seems like an arbitrary, but still explainable, thing," noted counterespionage expert Alex Jones. "Nobody really knows what makes a thing take off - well, nobody except the people who have made it their job to control the rest of us and keep us preoccupied and ignorant while they take over the world. To the uninitiated, the winning word in Wordle, or words in Quordle, seem unrelated and innocuous. But anyone who knows how these dark forces operate can tell you it's never that simple and never, ever, that innocent. Each word conveys something important that day to Zionist agents, telling them when, whether, or how to implement the plans for domination they've been developing and pursuing for centuries. Anyone who supports 'the current thing,' be it Ukraine, Black Lives Matter, gun control, immigration reform, combating climate change, COVID vaccines, has no idea they're being manipulated and kept in the dark. Same thing here. These games look like harmless fun, but they're communications from a sinister cabal."

Others in the same field suspect that the apps carrying the games on users' devices contain malware for censorship, behavioral modification, and mind control. "I'd be wary of interacting with a phone or computer in any way that involves use of one's brain," cautioned C. J. Werleman, who often shares his anti-Israel takes on Twitter. "You do that and you open yourself to the machinations of the evil people who want to take over your brain and turn you into a drone who cares only about puberty blockers, Greta, and calling Republicans Hitler. If you do need to use technology, try removing the important components from it that were made in Israel."

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Cat Can't Believe It Wasted Sixth Life On Trying To Cross Betzalel St. (PreOccupied Territory)

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cat Jerusalem, February 16 - A local feline met its grisly demise today on a stretch of wet roadway where drivers often fail to spot the traffic signal in either direction, witnesses reported, causing the animal to regret at once the profligate use of one of its previous remaining incarnations in a fatal effort to reach a part of the neighborhood with more or less the same trash in and around the dumpsters as anywhere else in the country.

The intersection of Bezalel and Nissim Bachar Streets saw ramming death of a feral cat late Thursday morning when the driver of a car barreling westward down Betzalel disregarded or failed to discern a red light and did not spot the animal on its way across the busy road; its mangled carcass adorned the side of the rainy road for some hours afterwards, pending action by the municipality's sanitation department. While awaiting its third-to-last embodiment in a new corporeal entity of fur, claws, and at least one soon-to-be-missing eye, the creature's lifeforce acknowledged the stupidity of trying to cross the Nachlaot neighborhood's hazardous major central artery at its most hazardous transition spot, all for the dubious purpose of finding better scavenging in the trash piles of the north side than of the south.

"OK, that was dumb," the anima admitted. "Really, really dumb."

The cat-soul found the incident its most embarrassing demise yet in the series of six, and eventually nine, lives. The grisly Thursday occurrence topped in its retrospective cringe even the animal's first death, dying at the ignominious hand of an infectious pathogen following an ill-advised confrontation with another feline whose numerous bald spots, scraggly fur, and numerous secretions from various orifices should have served as ample warning against approaching the diseased rival, despite the tantalizing morsel of day-old Moroccan tilapia it was protecting. "In my defense, I was hungry at the time," the now-veteran dead cat remarked. "Not this time. No excuse. Just stupid."

In terms of cringe, the incident even edged out the feline's previous death: being eaten by its mother within a day or two of birth. "Yeah, I'd rather forget that one, too," it conceded. "But at least in that case it wasn't my fault I was too scrawny to appear worth the expenditure of resources."

The intersection in question has proved dangerous to humans as well as cats: its unusual configuration causes eastbound drivers not to notice the stop line before the crosswalk, such that even when the red light is visible - during one stretch of winter it sits squarely in the sun's glare at 7 AM - drivers continue through the crosswalk before deciding to stop at some random point thirty feet on. Westbound, the downward slope of the artery has contributed to many drivers failing to notice the light in that direction, as well.

Municipal workers dismissed concerns over the intersection, noting that both pedestrians and cats need to be culled.

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Palestinian College Student Can't Decide Which Terror Group To Choose As Major (PreOccupied Territory)

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Arab graduation Ramallah, February 2 - A sophomore at Bir Zeit University closing in on the deadline to select a focus for his course of study toward a Bachelor's Degree admitted today he feels too torn to decide among the options available: engineering murder against Jews by joining Hamas; engineering murder against Jews by joining Palestinian Islamic Jihad, engineering murder against Jews by joining Fatah; or engineering murder against Jews by joining one of the smaller, more niche jihadist groups vying for glory in the Resistance against Zionism.

Hamdi Halabi, 19, has already completed most of his core requirements plus a smattering of elective courses, and must now choose a major if he is to complete his degree in time - but the aspiring shahid acknowledged today that he hesitates to commit to any one course of training to kill Jews, for fear that he will regret his choice later when some other path he could have chosen proves more productive and likely to result in his achieving Palestinian immortality through the violent murder of Jews impudent enough to live proudly as sovereign Jews in the ancestral Jewish homeland, an affront that no Palestinian can take lying down.

"I'm having a hard time, weighing the pros and cons of each," he confessed. "The safe bet would be Hamas or Fatah, because they have the established reputations and the most robust resources for training and arms. Fatah, especially, pays you or your family after you conduct an operation to kill Jews. But there's stiff competition to stand out. I'm not a hundred percent confident in my ability to rise above the crowd. That's why I'm also considering one of the less-prominent groups to major in - big fish, small pond, you know the deal."

"It's too bad I'm not allowed to have a double major," he continued. "The rival departments don't like it - even though they try to claim credit for the accomplishments of students or former students from other departments. I can't even choose Fatah, Hamas, or PIJ and a major and one of the smaller organizations as a minor. I know all sorts of collaboration and cross-pollination goes on unofficially. Just not in a way that I can formally join."

Press time saw Halabi weighing the possibility of auditing some Popular Resistance Committee classes in which he couldn't officially enroll as a Hamas major. A friend also warned him that on occasion, students in rival tracks denounce one another to the administration as collaborators or homosexuals, resulting in the accused student getting expelled from the rooftop.

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Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue By Kenneth Roth (PreOccupied Territory)

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Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue

By Kenneth Roth, former Director of Human Rights Watch

Ken Roth New York, January 26 - It's happened again. Just weeks after America's premier educational and research institution bowed to pro-Israel donors and rescinded its offer to me of a position, now my local house of worship has acted in similarly corrupt fashion - it has submitted to a group of Jews opposed to my candidacy to lead the synagogue for the next two years.

This phenomenon of Jews with money and a political agenda silencing critics of their pet Zionist project must end. Nothing in my history or campaign platform for the presidency of Temple Beit Khashoggi suggests that I would perform in a non-exemplary fashion in the position, just as, a few short weeks ago, I was blindsided by Harvard University's decision to back away from its invitation to me, at the behest of those who perceive my criticism of Israel as disqualifying. Disqualifying! Simply because they count my tweets about Israel vs. those about every other country? Because they claim to detect anti-Israel bias in my token, infrequent criticism of Israel's terrorist enemies that I wield as a shield against charges of tendentious reporting and analysis? They even go so far as to accuse me of fomenting antisemitism - what imbecile would associate criticism of Israel with antipathy for Jews, or think that violence against Jews in reaction to criticism of Israel has ever happened?

The same forces are at play at the synagogue, I fear. The board refused to accept my application, citing some obscure, little-invoked bylaw specifying that only members in good standing for at least two consecutive years may stand for the presidency. I only recently paid my membership, having only of late made more permanent living arrangements following my departure from Human Rights Watch. The monied agenda opposed to my activities and goals is behind it, as always, securing that provision in the bylaws long before I thought to run for the office. That is how underhanded and corrupt they are.

I cannot help but sense this is an intentional, vindictive campaign of harassment and persecution because of my staunch position over the years putting Palestinians' predicament at the top of the international human rights agenda, relegating such issues as persecution of LGBT people in the Islamic world, or antisemitic violence unrelated to Israel, to the sidelines, or, when I did invoke them, it was either grudgingly or as a way to make the criticism really about Israel after all. We all know exactly what kind of powerful (((people))) would want to show their displeasure over that.

I will not be deterred. Let's see how much influence they have against my campaign to join the board of the Nation of Islam.

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Ultraconservative Party Pushes To Jam Gaydar (PreOccupied Territory)

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gaydar Jerusalem, January 19 - A far-right element within Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's governing coalition announced today that it will use its power to limit the capacity of homosexual men to accurately judge the orientation of other men, in a move set to spark further controversy over the party's demonstrated hostility toward some liberal ideals of the Western World.

Minister of Public Safety Itamar Ben-G'vir's Otzma Yehudit - "Jewish Power" - Party, which garnered enough votes this past November to play the role of kingmaker in the current Likud-led coalition, told reporters and supporters today that the ministers, deputy ministers, and other elected representatives in the party will use their influence and decisions-making authority to jam gaydar throughout Israel in an effort to curtail what party officials called the "plague of immorality that has infected our nation and undermined its health."

Ben-G'vir vowed to exercise his ministerial authority over law enforcement to pursue the initiative, and to use the government's existential dependence on his party's lawmakers to extract policy concessions on the matter from, for example, Minister of Communications Shlomo Karhi of Likud. "We set the agenda of this government," Ben-G'vir boasted to the group. "It's past time this country had a real right-wing leadership, not the wishy-washy fake right that we've had all these years."

"That means unapologetic Jewish development of the whole land," he continued. "It means unapologetic nurturing of our traditions and our spiritual ethos, whether in terms of incentives for living and working in Judea and Samaria, robust protection from terrorism for Jews in the Jewish state, or discouraging abominable lifestyles that run counter to everything our tradition holds dear. I have already instructed the police and other agencies under my aegis to provide me with a picture of the available technological capabilities necessary to disrupt gaydar, which I assume is similar enough to cellular transmissions that with a few slight tweaks we can implement this policy and protect our society and our children from the spread of that poison."

A group of LGBT activists who have been unlucky in love met the announcement with a shrug. They explained that the measure was unlikely to stymie them any more than reality already does.

Palestinian officials expressed contradictory reactions to the news, vacillating between an instinctive desire to seize upon the prospect of a wedge between Israel and the West, and a competing instinctive desire to demand that Israel provide the technology free to Palestinians, who have always done a much better job of suppressing and repressing homosexuality than Israel ever has.

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Palestinians Visiting D.C. Riot Upon Seeing Jews Approach Domed Structure (PreOccupied Territory)

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US Capitol Washington, January 12 - A group of tourists from villages around Ramallah and Tulkarm created disturbances in the vicinity of the US Capitol building Thursday when one of them spotted another group entering the rotunda-capped facility in traditional Hasidic garb, and reacted as accustomed when catching sight of such people entering a building with that architectural feature.

Seventeen Palestinians began yelling and throwing objects at students from an orthodox school visiting the Capitol this morning, witnesses reported, acting according to the precedent set by Palestinian behavior when Jews ascend the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, where two domed Islamic shrines occupy the Jewish holy site and Muslims object to permitting Jews entry, let alone worship, on the plateau.

"Jewish settlers are storming the... mosque-like thing!" shouted one, and began running toward the steps of the Capitol, but struggled to rush up the steps before the group entered the building and disappeared from sight. Slower-to-react members of the Palestinian group chose instead to throw bottles, food, and a random bag of trash in the direction of the Jewish group, but fell short. The Jewish group appeared not to notice the disturbance.

"Call Amnesty International!" cried one member of the Palestinian group. "Call Btselem! Hamas! The Morabitoun! The Morabitat!" referring to Islamist gangs that have tried to intimidate Jews away from the Temple Mount, and who enjoy moral support from Western progressives who see discrimination against Jews as an important element of their vision for human rights.

"They're desecrating it with their filthy feet!" shouted another, echoing Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in his alarm over Jews visiting the holiest site in the world for Jews, which Muslims appropriated by conquest in the seventh century and proceeded to neglect for most of the next 1300 years until Jews had the capacity once again to assert connection to it.

Capitol Police approached the group to determine the source of the disturbance, but took several minutes to find anyone calm enough to explain. Police briefly detained two of them but released them following cries of "Islamophobia!" and threats of legal action.

"I hope the people inside have stockpiled rocks, fireworks, and other weapons to resist the invaders," grumbled one of the group after the incident had passed its peak. "That's what the Al Aqsa experience tells us a holy mosque is for. In case it's needed, I volunteer to climb on the roof and urinate on it, to demonstrate Islam's exclusive claim to the sacred site."

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Persian Gulf Countries Attempt To Fuse Oil-Based, Slave-Based Economies (PreOccupied Territory)

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Kuwait Ferrari Doha, January 5 - The recent World Cup contests and festivities in Qatar highlighted a salient long-term issue for the dictatorships and monarchies in the region, observers note, where the tension between old and new features at the fore of social, financial, political, and other issues, with specific prominence for the often-competing but sometimes-complementary models of generating revenue from fossil fuels using the most modern technology and the exploitation of tens of thousands of migrant "workers" to perform menial, hazardous tasks.

Investors, government officials, businessmen, and tourists highlight the burgeoning economies of Qatar, Bahrain, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Oman, and other Arab states, pointing to the advanced high-rise construction; their citizens' high per-capita income; the availability of luxury goods of every kind; and high return on equity in local petroleum-based enterprises. At the same time, the government and diplomatic corps of those nations wield rose-colored propaganda to induce and entice myriad foreigners, mostly from underdeveloped countries, to earn a living in the region, and when those foreigners arrive, local "entrepreneurs" confiscate their passports, enslave them, mistreat them, and force them to engage in dangerous jobs in the construction and infrastructure industries.

The tension between ancient and modern exists throughout the developing world, where archaeology and venerable sites or cultural phenomena vie for resources and priority with the existential need to generate revenue and develop the economy. The exigencies of rule of law and property rights often conflict with nomadic lifestyles of certain tribes with little notion of private real estate, from Israel to Dakota to Australia to Chad. Few countries have managed to synthesize the old and the new in a way that satisfies advocates for either set of resources. The Persian Gulf countries, however, continue to attempt the feat, and government figures from throughout the region noted some of the successes in that regard.

"The modern Arabic world for 'Black man' - an African - is some variation of 'abed, meaning 'slave' - so that should give you an idea of which traditions get preserved and maintained, and which ones are candidates for modernization," explained Qatar Minister for Economic Affairs Prince Abdel Rahman.

"The synthesis of ancient and modern is an ongoing negotiation, a process," remarked Saudi commentator Quntaq Inte. "Some countries do it better than others. Iran and Saudi Arabia, for example, are involved in helping Yemen come down firmly on the side of prioritizing the old - not by preserving it, as one might think, but, counterintuitively, by destroying everything else."

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Palestinians Hijack Sleigh, Hold Santa Hostage (PreOccupied Territory)

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venison Bethlehem, December 25 - A group of terrorists operating in the traditionally-accepted birthplace of Jesus interdicted the passage of St. Nicholas's reindeer-pulled vehicle tonight as it passed over the town, and have since kept him in an undisclosed location, a spokesman for the group announced today.

A masked man calling himself Abu Knaffeh released a video on the new Twitter account of an organization named Leopards of Al-Quds, in which he claimed he and his comrades had kidnapped Santa Claus. The two-minute clip showed a fat, bearded man in a white-fur-trimmed red suit and hat tied to a chair, the contents of several sacks strewn about the room as masked, gun-toting men rifled through them. Abu Knaffeh threatened to slaughter one reindeer each half-hour, and then Santa himself, unless Israel releases all Palestinians in its prisons.

Israeli officials vowed not to give in to terror. "Santa will be fine," assured Minister of Public Security Itamar ben-Gvir. "Reindeer are expendable, and Rudolph was always a suspicious character. Probably gay. As for this Santa character, I don't care much for pagan icons. Let him rot. Unless we can stage a dramatic rescue in which our guys kill a bunch of scum terrorists. We haven't ruled that out."

European progressives called the development unfortunate, but a predictable outcome of Israeli policies. "We've seen this before," lamented UN Rapporteur Francesca Albanese. "It was only a matter of time before Palestinians felt they had no choice but to keep doing the very thing they've been doing for fifty-plus years because the West always relents and pressures Israel, which is the way things should be."

Eyewitness reports also indicate that the contents of Santa's sacks were now being sold at Bethlehem stores, alongside UNRWA-provided flour and rice marked "Not for Sale."

Experts noted that the once-strong Christian population of Bethlehem has contracted drastically since the ancient town, just to the south of Jerusalem, came under Palestinian control under agreements with Israel in the 1990's. "This wouldn't have happened under Israeli control," noted Dick Move of The Mideast Fallacy Purim, a think tank. "Areas under Israeli control are the only places in the Middle East where the Christian population isn't shrinking. Bethlehem is a powerful microcosm of the faith's fortunes in the region, where Islamist supremacist harassment has driven Christians elsewhere in huge numbers. Gaza, for example, is almost empty of Christians, and it used to be a stronghold. What's happening now, with Santa, is more or less the logical conclusion of a process that's been leading this way for a long time."

"Now would be a good time for a slay/sleigh pun," he added.

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Suicidal Palestinians Given Bomb Vests (PreOccupied Territory)

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suicidal Nablus, December 15 - Public health authorities in both the Gaza Strip and the self-rule areas of the West Bank have launched a streamlined process to address a troubling increase in the number of citizens who have expressed a desire to kill themselves, according to the Ministry of Health: give them an explosive device and send them marching toward Israelis.

Sources within the ministry - divided between the two territories since a 2007 civil war confined Fatah to the inland areas and gave Hamas control of Gaza on the Mediterranean coast - described parallel but similar initiatives directing mental health professionals and mandated reporters such as caregivers and teachers to inform ministry authorities when in the course of their work they encounter someone contemplating suicide. The referred Palestinians will then undergo a brief evaluation to determine to what degree they have resolved to off themselves, and those judged to have firm enough resolve will receive a "suicide vest" packed with nails and military-grade explosives, plus instructions to detonate themselves among as many Jews as possible.

Ministry officials acknowledged some incomplete elements of the program. "We still face important obstacles," stated Mustafa Massiqr of the Hamas-run version of the ministry. "We have, fortunately or unfortunately, a plentiful supply of depressed people under our aegis. A good quantity of that is by design, since Palestinian misery is the only international diplomatic currency we have. But there's the sticky matter of the border fence and robust Zionist security measures, including some way they've developed of defeating our cross-border tunnels. But once we work out that wrinkle, it'll be lights out."

His Fatah counterpart in Ramallah made analogous observations. "The security barrier that basically ended the Second Intifada hasn't gone away," observed Ahaf Tuqill. "Getting the right people through into Jewish cities, or even just getting close enough to a checkpoint to blow up near a soldier - it's not as easy as it might seem. But personnel isn't the problem; COVID and the irredeemable corruption of Palestinian government have produced enough of a supply of the suicidally depressed. Throw in the people with other things of which they're ashamed, such as homosexual tendencies, or things that can make them subject to blackmail, such as unauthorized contact with the opposite sex - there's no shortage of Palestinians looking to cement themselves in the popular consciousness as heroes, to avoid public discussion of their shame-inducing behavior."

"We also have to figure out the framing to make it all Israel's fault," he added, "but the media are always accommodating in that regard."

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"I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors' Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide" (PreOccupied Territory)

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I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors' Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide

by Issa Awad, Palestine Refugee

Haifa house Tulkarm, December 8 - The morality is of the situation is clear: my forebears fled Haifa in anticipation of Arab liberators slaughtering the Jews of the city and making ample plunder available, but when that didn't happen, and the Jews actually won and took over the place, my great-grandparents set up here among the Iraqi soldiers who failed to push further west and the Jews into the sea as promised. Had the promised massacres of Jews taken place, my family would probably be running a fishing operation, while enjoying some swag looted from the Jews. But it didn't, and now the only fair thing is for their descendants to return to Haifa as if nothing had happened.

Why else would UNRWA exist? All refugees other than "Palestine Refugees" as defined by UNRWA follow a simple, if challenging, path: the UN Commissioner for Refugees cares for people fleeing conflict or persecution, and arranges for their permanent resettlement in some other country. Tens of millions of refugees have followed that route, but Palestine Refugees are special. We get to remain in perpetual statelessness until the war our people lost can be fought again and again, and maybe one day the result will be different. Until then, we live in dependence and squalor, because... I guess because pride and honor? That sounded better in my head.

In any case the legal and moral issue demands that my family and I get to go where my great-grandparents left so they could avoid all the unpleasantness of seeing Jewish body parts strewn about the place. It's somehow different from every other refugee story in history. Those other refugees were forced out, living in the wrong place at the wrong time, caught in an unfortunate situation. My family, on the other hand, maybe was, maybe wasn't forced out, and really wanted to come back, unlike all those other refugees who had no attachment to where they'd been living. It's a Palestinian thing? Even though the only people who identified as "Palestinian" at the time were Jews? I'm unclear on that part, but not on the morality.

The point is we get to flood Israel with "refugees" and win by demographics what we failed to do with bullets, because they had no right to defend themselves from the manifestly just pillaging we wanted to enjoy at their expense. It's about justice. Yes. That's what I meant to say.

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