Thursday, August 05, 2021
Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Tel Aviv, August 5 - Customers and passers-by saw the main eschatological figure of Islam enjoying himself at a local frozen treats shop in this hip Mediterranean city, witnesses reported Thursday.
The Mahdi, known in some Islamic sects as the Twelfth Imam, and believed in some circles to be in a concealed state until Allah decides the End Times have come, ordered a strawberry milkshake followed by an espresso and some cold water, drawing awed whispers from other patrons of Menudo. He was seen to pay with a Bank-HaPoalim-issued charge card, an act that further fueled speculation that Allah's attitude toward Zionism differs from the mainstream Muslim position of the last several centuries.
"I couldn't believe it at first," admitted fellow customer Ron Guy. "Who expects to share a space with one of the most important figures in all of history? Quite the privilege. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to snap a few photos. Must have been too surprised and impressed to even think of it."
"I knew exactly who it was the moment I caught sight of him," recounted a still-wide-eyed Navi Sheker, a tourist from India. "I was right behind him at the counter! You bet your bottom rupee I ordered the same thing. I even sneaked a selfie with him in the background - look." She retrieved her phone from her handbag. "Oh. His face is all blurred. Darn it."
Discussion of the dramatic sighting included guesses as to the Mahdi's purpose in Tel Aviv. "Must be to move along the resolution of history," offered one witness.
"It might just be he needs a break from centuries of occulation," suggested another. "I know I could get tired of hiding away from human eyes for so long. A milkshake would be just the thing to restore my spirit and patience for a good while. I'd go for chocolate, though."
Talk then turned to the fact that the Mahdi had apparently shared a table with another mysterious figure, whose beard and quirky attire attracted no notice in a city as cosmopolitan and open as Tel Aviv. "Oh, I see the two of them come in here every now and then," recalled the manager. "They're obviously close, always affectionate, or at least very friendly. Jesus, the other guy looks so familiar, too, but I can never place him. Maybe next time I'll start a conversation. Anyway, I'm happy to have the venue be my business, but the event itself isn't all that surprising, what with Tel Aviv always being called a Gay Mecca."
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