Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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jesus-facepalmBethlehem, January 16 - The Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, Son of God, Jesus Christ filed a lawsuit today against an evangelical institution for invoking his name and likeness without permission for commercial purposes, depicting Him as opposed to Israel's security measures to protect its citizens, as part of the institution's efforts to raise funds, court documents indicate.

Jesus filed the lawsuit in the State of Texas against Bethlehem Bible College, which operates in the Holy Land but maintains fundraising offices in the Lone Star State. In the lawsuit, the Redeemer charges that the college misappropriates his name, works, and reputation for its "Christ at the Checkpoint" conferences and events, falsely implying that He endorses their activity, an endorsement that BBC and CATC use to attract donors. The Savior seeks a cease and desist order against the college and an unspecified amount in monetary damages.

A spokesman for the divine incarnate told reporters that the Christ has in fact visited numerous Israeli checkpoints and found them to be an unfortunate necessity, the most efficient way to promote safety for Israelis while allowing Palestinian workers, students, and patients to meet the needs they cannot under Palestinian self-rule.

"It's disingenuous for this so-called 'Christ at the Checkpoint' operation to assert that the Son of God would oppose such checkpoints," stated St. Thomas the Apostle. "It also, by the way, violates the very Scriptures they purport to revere, most notably the parts that proscribe theft, falsehood, and taking the Lord's name in vain. But of course the leaders of the so-called Bethlehem 'Bible' College prefer not to give too much attention to that section of the Bible that enshrines God's commitment to the descendants of Jacob, His granting of the Holy Land to them in perpetuity, and the special relationship manifest in that arrangement."

St. Thomas identified what he called a tragic irony in the episode. "Where the defendant's institution operates, followers of Jesus have been dwindling for many years," he observed. "The phenomenon began many decades ago, but accelerated once Palestinian self-rule began a quarter-century ago. The one place in the entire Middle East with a growing, thriving Christian population is the one country these people oppose because it's a Jewish state, and the idea that God has not rejected the Jews forever really grates on them. Also, Jesus is Jewish, an obvious fact of which they appear to be entirely ignorant. One wonders at this irrational opposition to control of Jesus's homeland by His own people."

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